ww totally off rails

[sandi2]

Here's the picture I want you to see. The W has xx amount of years that she has held on to resentment toward you. Maybe you knew she was upset at some things and thought they were resolved and she got over it. Some things, you never even knew. But the truth is that she did not let go of it. The resentment grew and she begin to lose her respect in you as a man and as her H. It killed her attraction for you. She no longer had the "in love" feelings for you. Then enters OM, and she has those "in love" feelings for him. She gives her H the bomb drop, etc.

So.........let's say that something causes her fog to lift and she can see the reality of her situation. She can make the decision to stay in her M. She can agree to the terms of her H. Her willingness and cooperation is more important, at this point, than her emotions. Remember that her emotions have proven to be fickle. Don't misunderstand and think I'm suggesting that it is okay for her to express disrespect in any manner. The last thing the H should do is to allow her old behavior to continue.

So getting back to her feelings at this point......it is somewhat unrealistice, IMHO, when you remember she has to fall out of love with her H......in order to fall in love with OM. Then would you believe that upon the fog lifting, she immediately falls out of love with the OM.....and back in love with her H? It may be possible in very rare exceptions, but I think it is highly unlikely......b/c her emotions are in a mess! She has to go through a process. She has to go through withdrawals of the affair addiction. She has to let go of all that resentment toward her H, before she can experience a normal and healthy desire for him. Some women need IC in this process. I believe every couple should get MC, if at all possible. Some cases may require family therapy. All this helps each of them process their own pain, resentments, etc. I think it is rare for a couple to work through their issues without some type of pro marriage guidance.

In the meantime, her emotions do not have to dictate her decisions. As long as she is cooperating with what the H needs for his own healing and the healing of their MR, the M does not have to be placed in a holding position.......waiting until she feels a cetain emotion. He can set up a transparency plan and whatever stipulations for reconciliation he wants (family therapy, MC, etc.).

She can agree to do these things without feeling in love with her H, and even without feeling remorse. I know, b/c I made the decision to do the right thing, in spite of my negative feelings. I was not happy. I was not humble. I was not in love with my H. I was not remorseful. I still had all those negative feelings in my heart. However, the fog had lifted just enough for me to find my way to the DB board, and through the mentoring I was asked if I could make the decision to do the right thing. Being raised on "thou shalt and thou shalt not"......I had no doubt what the right thing would be. So, I did it, but it took a long time before I actually let go of my resentment and felt remorse. Once that happend, it opened the way for me to feel in love with my H.

So, even if she doesn't feel much remorse at the time, she can be willing to do the right thing. She can do these things without feeling remorseful. It helps the H, considerably, if she apologizes. Maybe she will......maybe she won't. For the H & family's sake, it is good if she is sorry and regrets the pain she has caused......but the deep remorse may not be felt until she has therapy and works though her resentment and issues with her H. If the W was very religious or had high morals, then she probably knows that she should apologize. I think a lot of apologies come from knowing what is expected from us.......rather than what is truly felt.

You see, at the point the fog lifts enough for her to see her reality, none of those issues disappear. She's just been able to stick her head out of the fantasy long enough to see reality. I mean, even if she ran back home to kiss and make up with H..........those old issues have not been settled....(not to even mention the new issues she has caused the MR). Her resentment, disrespect, and rebellion are just under the surface.

Making the decision to do the right thing is the first step. Without her cooperation/willingness to do whatever is necessary to save the M, the reconciliation will not get off the ground. In fact, she won't even make it through the affair withdrawals, unless she has some strict guidelines/boundaries.

So, you tell me which is most important, at the point of reconciliation? Her willingness to do whatever action is necessary to save the MR........or her current feelings? The H's goal is to heal, and the W's goal should be to work through her negative feelings and resolve issues.