WAW - managing limbo period

[40free]

Thanks AS, Steve and Ovr. I really appreciate you taking the time to translate what she is saying to me into advice and such informative insight. It does help me to see things more clearly, and to realise this is not a race to the end.

It's hard sometimes to think patience is the key, when every day is so up and down, and you just want the madness to end. Three months since BD doesn't seem that long as you say, but it has felt like a lifetime.

So anyway, after no talk at all yesterday, more revelations again this morning. She initiated. We only really had a short time to discuss and she said she didn't want to have a long conversation as the kids would be getting up soon and she tends to get all emotional which she wanted to avoid.

She cut to the chase. She had been thinking about the question I had put to her - which of the two feelings were stronger - (1) her desire for space and need to move on given how she felt about me, or (2) the guilt around the destruction of the family and all we had built together and the fear of starting anew. (1) would mean we move ahead to tell the kids about D, (2) would mean counselling and a blank sheet of paper for marriage 2.0.

I listened patiently, looking at her directly. She looked away from me as she talked.

To my total surprise (but maybe not yours?) she said she felt (2) was the stronger, and so for now she would like to try to go to counselling and see how it goes. This came across as the lesser of two evils and it wasn't like she said it with a smile on her face or remorse in her heart, and so I don't feel like it's a big win or anything, but it's a start.

If I'm honest, given my expectation that the outcome of that conversation whenever it happened was that option (1) would be the answer, I am not sure how I feel about it. Mostly because deep down, I just don't think this is what she wants, but she is just too scared or guilt-ridden to pull the trigger on the alternative, and surely that isn't the basis of a future happy M. As I've said before. But when she asked me, I told her that yes if this is what she wants, then we can do that.

She also said that she's really not sure how helpful counselling will be as her experience to date has not helped her with her decision making. She says she tends to get good advice from counsellors, feels sure when leaving the room that separating is what she wants and is right, and then that all disappears as soon as she gets home to us all, the house, everything. i.e. when reality sets in. So her faith in a positive CC experience is not high.

I suggested that maybe it would be different if we did CC together. We've never really worked on our M together, never properly communicated like we have been, so maybe we just need to give it a chance. She nodded. She also says she doesn't like speaking at these sessions (in front of me) because she feels all she ever can say is hurtful and she doesn't want to hurt me any more than she had done already. I just think these are the sort of things that need to come out. I can share my thoughts and now is the time for openness and honesty if we are ever going to get the chance to rebuild something positive.

And then we agreed that I would come on vacation with the family (before, when we had decided to separate, we were thinking she would go and I would stay at home), as this would be a test of how we do for a few days together. It will also be the first time we share a room in 10 weeks. Something I'm not sure about tbh. She has definitely ended her relationship with the OM, and seems ready to at least try, so I guess this is something that is a logical step.

Any thoughts on whether I should suggest she come back into the MBR before we go away on Monday? Feels a bit rushed to do that if I'm honest. Just because she's said she'd like to give us a chance, doesn't mean she suddenly feels differently about me. And, when I think about it, I am still very much hurting from her A - actually more the betrayal, dishonesty and deceit, as recently as 19 May. So I think maybe one step at a time, and only when it feels right.

Do you have advice as to how to take the next step? Is it normal that she suddenly makes a decision like that so quickly after being so determined the other way? How likely is it for her to swing the other way as quickly as she make her decision?

I am just feeling I need to be very cautious and not get ahead of myself, and of course, the trust is not there, so I just feel I still need to act kind of detached to protect myself, albeit whilst continuing to work with her on building blocks. A tricky balance.

Thoughts?