Detaching / Dbing... Can I get to Piecing?

[Did]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...603#Post2800603

Sandi - All business all the time I am the cashier at the store being nice and pleasant. I need to stop exchanging the texts wishing each other a nice day or have a nice night etc... just pull back further so she misses me. Not be so available. I have been doing this for a day or so since we last saw each other.

What about if she is asking to make plans, get a drink and talk etc? Do it right? But dont have expectations and dont be too excited etc.

[LoneWlf]

Did - do not be overly quick to accept invitations. You must Keep busy focus on yourself- GAL. If the plan fits your schedule -let it simmer a bit before answering yes. It will allow her to think you may have other priorities or plans. If this happens- you need to play the right cards. Good Luck!

[Did]

Thanks LoneWlf youre right. This is hard for me because I want it all back. The baby steps are painfully slow. Impatience is something I really need to continue to work on.

I mentioned plans that were convenient for me next Fri, 7/20. I see a therapist at 7pm that is near her place that night. She mentioned she likes to talk after our daughter is asleep because she gets anxious around her. So I will be finishing up around her bed time. Its up to her if she wants to make the plans. Im going to try not to mention it again.

I go with daughter to the beach next Tues-Thurs for a much needed break.

[LoneWlf]

Did, we all want it back. And to top it off ,we all want it back YESTERDAY! It is often posted here that this is a marathon not a sprint. Let me be the first to say that I, of all people struggle with patience constantly. Often times I catch myself now and have to remind myself to BREATHE! I encourage you to do the same. Stay Well!

[Did]

Patience is part of it but missing my daughter is the bigger part. I want to see her every day. Getting frustrated difficult to be patient. W saying things like oh we will get a drink when youre done being so busy working. Or mentioning I want to go on a date... then the other side of the coin - anxiety around daughter- cant turn it off. I want to get to the place where we are working on the relationship. We went from a half million dollar house- her dream home to being in 2 bedroom condos or townhouses. Sometimes Im just like what are we doing. I should just be done and move on why am I waiting around for her. Then I think of our family together and happy its like a dream... torn... frustrated and lonely are kind of the usual feelings.

[Did]

At the beach with D3. Had a good day but missing W like crazy just the 2 of us. W remains nice and apologetic, interested in spending time just her and I. Then said today she is in a good place and does not want to mess it up. Seems pretty unfair and unsustainable since I pay for her place and give her money. I would love to be patient and her come to me. I told her it was unfair to say we should get a drink and get a meal for weeks and there needs to be a boundary if she does not do what she says I pull away. I think I am going to pull away to try to act like we are divorced stop with the texting back and forth and pictures of D3 all the time. If she chooses to spend time with me I would love to share everything but I am at a loss. I guess I strayed from dB gotta get back on the horse. I keep falling off and pursuing when she She wants to do something. I have this work situation maybe I should just show her excitement instead of the concern and anxiety I feel about work and life change.

Maybe I am projecting insecurities. Having some anxiety with the question marks in my life. I miss having a wife and family and partner a lot. I may leave my main job for another coaching opportunity. After I just moved to the community where current job is. I am tired of fighting with people i am supposed to be working with. New opportunity seems like opportunity has a lot of potential but I am nervous about lack of security with a lot of financial responsibility right now.

Advice greatly appreciated.

[Did]

Feeling empty and losing hope. Having a hard time staying in the moment and being grateful. Just miss her and feel like we will never have the love and closeness I see from all these other families on the beach. She asks to get a drink and talk or go out to dinner weeks go by. Now she says she does not know what she wants. I have started texting her you do not have to know what you want for us to spend time together a few times and erased it. DB and leaving her alone is what works. But then how do we take the next step. Getting hope again and again then it slips away is killing me.

[hongaku]

Did, I know where you're at with the pain and sorrow, that emptiness and longing. I'm there, too. Don't send that text - you're erasing it because you know deep down that it's the wrong move. Patience and DB, just keep it up. Patience is really hard for me. It's hard for me to find things to keep myself busy and focused on my GAL goals in my current situation. I go into panic mode frequently and it's hard to think about anything else but her and my kids and the sitch. It's really a positive sign that she wants to spend some time with you, don't mess it up by getting ahead of her feelings and trying to do too much too soon. You have to go at her pace. You really do. It takes patience and going slowly. You don't want her to feel that you're pressuring her. Remember in DR the LRT section on when the spouse starts showing interest again - take things slowly and do not get overly enthusiastic. Be patient. There is no need to rush! Re-read that part of DR over and over. Make time your ally!

[Did]

Thanks hongaku I wish there was a weekly call or a local group meet up for people in our situations. Probably a mistake but I called w. Talked for a bit about d3 and schedule. She said something about now knowing what she wants and if she says something to me or gives me a hug it is such a big deal. I said it is not a big deal to me but I understand why you feel that way from the past. The important thing is both of us being consistent which shows our growth. She used to love these deeper talks and want to have them. Now I am trying to do it all by myself. I guess I did pressure her to actually do what she says. I am in the midst of a major career switch and w knows the situation well. I said it would be nice to have that drink and talk through it since my work and money affects all of us. She said the stress triggers her still because of how it used to affect me. She apologized that she still gets triggered. I said you have told Oher people how much I have changed. I would value your opinion but the stress was in her voices and She wanted to get off the phone.

Being at a vacation destination at the beach seeing the attractive couples or the older families pregnant women hits hard. Like dam* I had that’s with a gorgeous woman who is a great mom and now after dozens of therapy sessions reading books making 180s she says the same thing she said a year ago in couples therapy. I do not know what I want. Makes me want to throw in the towel go have fun get laid build a new relationship. But that is shallow short term thinking. I love w because she was always a good person besides WW time. Part of my marriage vows was she made me a better man. She made good decisions does what’s she believes is right But now W does not value me and our family and is not consistent in anything between us. She says I owe her a drink because there’s have been some expenses she has paid for. I want time together I guess I have to act like I do not want it. Be unavailable GAL be busy.

She is in a good place at her apt I am paying for that is great. But tears at me. She is starting to put things together for her business. But very slowly.

I am frustrated I had my hopes up thinking she wanted to spend time. Dreaming about romance and future happiness. I have to protect myself better and not think too far ahead. Thanks all I hope to hear from some of you - Sandi, lonewlf, Steve85.

[Did]

So W had asked me to get dinner and get a drink and talk. She paid for D3 haircut and paid for a couple other items... she says you owe me a drink or something. I say sure let me know when youre ready. I had told her tonight I had an appointment finishing around when D3 gets to bed. Asked her if she still wanted to have a drink and mentioned Im free around 830 tonight. She responds - it feels like so much pressure.

I am in the midst of a job change and its a difficult decision. I asked if we could talk through it together. Mind you I am still the only one working in the family... so my job affects all of us. She knows the details of my work better than anyone. She said yes. So I stop by after work before my appointment to talk to her. She is all panicky and anxious can barely look at me at first. She says she can feel my stress and it triggers her... this is before I even said anything in the house except hi to D3.

So she couldnt handle the conversation in person and says she gets so anxious around D3. She did call me tonight and apologize but seemed to hate talking about a major life decision for me... as if its so stressful for her.

Last week I was at the beach with D3. W says she has so much to do has to be productive... turns out all she really did was go to lunch with a friend, go to dinner with a friend and decide she is going to sell her car and buy a used SUV. Oh she looked up how to start an LLC online... she is supposed to start a soil science business.

I am kind of appalled by her. Like who the F is this woman. She was such a great wife, smart, deep, I thought so highly of her. Now I am of the mindset I guess I have to give up / leave her alone until she heals or changes... if she ever does. I am going to go to as close to radio silence as I can for a month and see what happens. We have to communicate about D3. But this is getting ridiculous. The attachment is starting to fade although I wish things were different, I miss the conversation and tough, shared meals, drinks, laughs, companionship, shes beautiful and would love to have the chance to R... if she gets her sht together. I just doubt it happens. I dont want to be with a woman who is anxious anytime shes around her kids, wont get treatment or do anything to help herself, blames me for everything... having a child affected her so much. I want more kids... its pretty sad. Feel like I am probably going to end up another D statistic...

Anyway Im pretty sure I am leaving my job and going to a new on with another company. Its been a tough decision with a lot of families impacted by my choice... Current employer is going to be pissed but they dont treat me well, constant criticism, unappreciative, take me for granted, disrespectful.... sounds like a lot of our marriages until WAS leaves right?

Thanks all for the support.