WAW help!!!

[hoosjim]

Hi Chris! Just read through your thread and had a few thoughts:

1) Don't feel like you are alone! There are people on this board willing to help... people who want YOU to succeed... to be a better and happier "you" and to have a better life, whether or not that life eventually includes a MR with your current W. I sensed some frustration and desperation in your posts earlier, as if no one was listening and even if they were no one would be able to understand or help because your situation was different or unique. I know exactly how you feel because i was in your shoes, once, just a couple/few weeks into my situation, and i will tell you this: You are right! Your situation is different! You could look for 1000 hours and not find anyone on these forums in exactly the same sitch as yours. But you know what? Even as everyone's sitch as different, if you look hard enough you will be able to find something common and something useful in just about anyone's situation, even if that situation is in most respects different from yours. And this is particularly true of people who post to your thread. Many if not most folks who have posted and will post on your threads do so because they see something they recognize... because they think they have something to contribute because of something similar in their own experience or background. So don't be turned off or get discouraged by becoming focused on what is different about someone wlse's sitch... instead look for the commonality, for the little nuggets that do match up and that can help you. I can tell you after being on here for more than a year now that pretty much everyone on here has something valuable to offer. I notice that both Sandi2 and artista have both posted to your thread... they are two of the most experienced and trusted veterans on these forums, past WWs themselves, and their insight is priceless. You are blessed that they have taken an interest in your sitch. But don't ignore other posters, either.... We are all interested and all here for you and want you to succeed! If at times your thread seems "dead" or you are not getting feedback rapidly enough, just remember that you are new here and people are still "finding out" about you and also that most of us have real life families and jobs, like you do, that stretch us pretty thin. So, hang in there, we're not going to abandon you, even if sometimes for brief spells it may seem like nobody is listening. We are here for you and, if you are a person of faith, know that God is there for you as well. Keep posting! (And another tip is to try to take time to post on other folks' threads as well-- it gets your name around in the community and people you post to are more likely to turn around and post back on your thread. You may think you have nothing to offer, but you do and, even if you can't think of anything by way of advice, even a kind word of support is greatly appreciated.)

2) WWs have all studied at the same "WW Academy" and/or have read the textbook. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the things that various WWs from such differing backgrounds and marital situations can all say and do nearly the exact same things! I am really shocked that someone in the psychiatric field has not noticed and documented the phenomenon, so commonplace does it seem from the posters on these forums. They all lie, they all temp check to keep you on as plan b, they all say some variation of ILBINILWY, they all want to live the "GGW" lifestyle and go out and party with younger and/or wilder friends, they all believe that their APs are their "forever soulmate" and they all put themselves first (even over their children). My own WW even said, numerous times, "I know I am being selfish and i don't care... it's time for me to take care of me and what i want."

3) I also noticed that you took note of how much of a loser and "scumbab" the OM in your case is. This is also not uncommon. Almost all WWs in an A are "affairing down"-- that is, having an affair with someone less desirable, usually much less desirable, than their spouse. Not sure i have ever seen a good explanation as to why this is so, though it does seem to be objectively "true", even at the risk of appearing to be hurling sour grapes. Whatever the reason, it lends even greater importance to GAL-ing and being the best "you" you can be. A couple of posters on here are fond of saying "be the type of man only a fool could leave." The specifics are up to you, of course, but fitness and "cleaning yourself up" are good starts. Alot of us as the years and marriage wear on tend to let ourselves go in terms of both fitness and dress. sounds like you have definitely gotten in better shape, so good job! Keep it up! Maybe try changing your wardrobe up, changing the way you shave, wearing cologne (or changing from your old cologne). I recall having a good friend in a similar sitch to me relating how his own WW had told him at various times how certain smells or looks (clothing, etc) would instantly bring back all the negative feelings and associations she had to him. So change things up! And do it for you, not for her. You might be surprised how much better it can make you feel. And members of the opposite sex (and eventually perhaps even your W) will notice. I know that mine did and said so fairly early on, even though it was months and months before she shook off her wayward mindset and closed off the OM and her other damaging relationships. But, like i said, don't do it for her... because she will see right through it and despise you for it. Dont just act like a better, more desireable man, BE that man. And that includes being a good father to your kids. There is a great poem posted somewhere on here called "The Lighthouse". Look it up if you can. You can't change her, but you can be the lighthouse. All part of being the best you you can be.

4) On the subject of the OM... Don't get too complacent or let down your gaurd just because OM has seemingly kicked her to the curb. The OM is not the problem-- her wayward mindset is. And until she kicks that, she will not be ready for the kind of relationship with you that you want to have. Not even close.

5) Your kids. Having children involved makes it tough, really tough. Especially when one is special needs. I am familiar with that aspect myself, having a son with very profound Tourette's Syndrome, which acts very much at times like autism and which some docs actually put on the high functioning end of the Autism Spectrum along with Asperger's. I was relatively blessed in that my own MR problems didn't come to a head until my children were older (16 and 17), but it is still not easy for them (and perhaps harder in some ways because they definitely pick up on that something's wrong). But, at any rate, i still know where you are coming from. Just be there for them, man. Be the good example and the bastion of strength and the shining light in their lives. They will need it.

6)If you are worried about their safety and have good reason to suspect OM is a danger, then ABSOLUTELY do something about it. Get a background check on the dude... or run one yourself through one of the dozens of online services. If you find something, you can absolutely take legal action to protect your children from him (consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out exactly what, but do NOT take chances with your childrens' welfare.)

7)Standing up to your W and reclaiming your balz: On the staying at your house, i know you said you work and you had "no choice" but... there is always a choice. She chose her path and it was away from you and the family. She turned herself out, she can stay there. You were actually given a great gift in her leaving of her own accord-- alot of WW's try desparately to stick around in the house, and in most if not all cases there is no legal right to force them out and it can be dangerous to try. But she left of her own volition. Change the locks. Get a babysitter or nanny for a couple of weeks if childcare is an issue. But she needs to feel the natural sting and bite and consequences of her actions. She will not feel those consequences if you welcome her back with open arms. Search for Doodlers 2-step plan, it is pure gold. I have read on here several times and it proved true for me and i think it is one of the most valuable truisms written her concerning WWs: "You will never be so attractive to her as when you are walking away."

8) Did i mention GAL? Of course i did, as does everyone else. Dont neglect it. The two most fundamental and helpful GAL activities i found and which i seem to hear alot about on here are fitness and faith, but you need to find what works best for you. Don't be afraid to stretch yourself and get outside your comfort zone.

Okay, so, another very long post from hoosjim. I am (in)famous for these, lol. Best of luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you!