Afraid of the dark PART 3

[Vanilla]

Ste7e

There is a phase in this part of the process of grief which is down.

It is called the Kubler Ross cycle.

Please understand this is totally normal, there is nothing wrong with you. Let me reassure you that this cycle is part of the body and minds way of coping with loss. Some of us (I count V in this) get slight stuck in the depression. Others get stuck in anger. Know which I prefer, but it is as it is.

So please feel down all you want, in due course your body and mind will get fed up with it and it will change.

Cry it out, get it out there and hold on tight.

It's going to be ok. I internet promise it won't always be like this.

V

[AnotherStander]

Ste7e, you're only 4 months post-BD. I know it seems like forever but you are expecting too much too soon from your W. It is going to take her 3 to 6 times that long before she starts coming out of the fog. And D may very well happen inbetween. You've got to have immense patience! Try and take the long view, remember that NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS NOW there is still hope for a recon later. I've seen marriages restored from the most outrageously impossible situations.

[Ste7e]

Thanks V an AS and Mmelisa,
This is all the kind of invaluable advice I need to hear!
I am on the last day of my 45 day road trip and will be back home tonight.
I am going to sign the D waiver tomorrow.
Alot has happened to me and my thinking on this trip.
I have taken care of alot of work while gone and formulated a business plan for moving forward in work which is a huge GAL for me (been out of work and idle for the last 3 years)
My Depression is completely gone but I still about once a week have some residual anxiety that I am working on.
I have not spoken to W since last phone convo and do not plan to moving forward.
I realize we cant be friends and if she ever considers Rec I will know balls in her court.
I also had the big realizations that first off I do not need anything from her, I do not need her or anyone to validate me I know my self worth! And secondly, I do not need to engage with someone who treats me bad and makes me feel bad. I
Will not give my power away. Of course I still love her and I am taking accountability for my stuff..nothing more I can do.
Reading several books mentioned here and following Sandis rules.
One day at a time : )

[AnotherStander]

Fantastic post Ste7e, that really sounds empowering! Love it!

[Vanilla]

Looking forward to reading your new goals.

Great to hear some positivity, the trip and it's pattern interrupt is a real tonic!

V

[Davide]

Ste7e,

Great to hear from you again! You are just a couple of weeks ahead of me, as I still have 3 weeks to go before I return home. Trips are great for detachment and personal growth and it sounds like you have been making good use of yours. I imagine that there will be some ups and downs as we reintegrate back into our lives back at home, but we need to be conscious of the growth we have shown and remember the lessons we have learned. Please keep in touch!

[MMM12]

Sounds like you've got a great mindset. You don't need anyone to validate your self worth. This is something I am working on too. I've started writing down my thoughts and feelings on my "good" days so that I can revisit them on my "bad". Seems to help me remember what I am working on.

[Ste7e]

OK time for a long post.
I have been home now for a couple days and at first it was easy but it has been getting really hard as I sink back into my life.
When I got home my friend who was house sitting and I talked for several hours, he had spoken with WAW a couple times about what was going on and filled me in as best as he could with out betraying her trust.
What he said correlated with what WAW has been telling me but I was so defensive and confused that I couldn't clearly make it all out from her. Basically she has begun some serious IC and has been unpacking her entire life and dealing with childhood stuff and family stuff which she has avoided her whole life. She has been in a long term relationship her entire life from age 15 on. Never had anytime by herself and the relationships kept her from doing her "work". He also said that this really has absolutely nothing to do with me. And as she already told me that I could have even done everything right and this still would have come up eventually. But my flaws which made her fall out of being in love with me are all things I have already been addressing and taking accountability for. Lucky for me they were all very obvious and the road to my healing has been very positive. He also repeatedly told me not to worry about her seeing somebody else as she is very serious about the work she is doing. He also said that she does love me and is guilt ridden with hurting me and is avoiding me because of that and also is afraid that when we get together it plants a false seed of hope in my head that we are going to get back together. Ouch. Apparently there are other things she is working on but he was not at liberty to go into details as he didn't want to betray her trust. fair fair I just appreciate that he was able to help me make some sense out of the situation...even though these were all things she had already said to me but I didn't fully comprehend before.
I filed the D waiver the next day. I can't honestly see a way out of the D it is happening. And if I care about her and this necessary growth how can I not be supportive? The D is completely amicable already so now I just wait it out to be final.
I had already had these heavy realizations about all of this on my 45 day trip.
First off I was finally able to look past my feelings of hurt and abandonment and feel a sense of empathy for my W.
I know that what we had was very real, I know that she most likely loved me more than anyone else before, I know that she loves me. So given these criteria I have to trust that whatever she was/is going through is extremely important to her and her perceived growth. This was a really big psychic change for me.
That all said it is very hard for me to drop the rope...I have so much love for this person...but I can see how the ultimate expression of that love is to give her all the time and space in the world. Ouch.
I am also really aware of my boundaries and right now she is hurting me so that time and space is also for me.
I talked to her a few days ago after being dark for about 3 weeks. I was very proud of myself in convo I was upbeat and really doing my best to convey that I understand, also told her that I filed the D waiver and we talked for a bit about the inventory lists. The whole time she was very advesarial to me and it felt like she was baiting me into a fight. I did not take the bait. I made the comment about us being friends and going and getting something to eat sometime and she pretty much said she couldn't do either ( I get it I get it) I did make a mistep by at the end of the conversation...I said I have to say this...ILY and that I just want you to know that...I could feel her resentment through the phone in the akward silence which followed and she said she had to go. I don't regret saying it as I think it had a place in the conversation but I know not to ever say it again. It was realy confusing to me as this talk was all very positive on my end and giving her exactly what she wanted and yet she seemed to more irritated by me than ever....I can not win.
It was really hard on me the rest of the day but as usual I was feeling amazing the next day...I went and got a haircut and the barber busted out the clippers unknown to me and chopped off my long hair and gave me an army cut which is not what I wanted...I was extremely pissed off and still am it has really dashed my confidence in myself. But it occured to me that these next two months are going to be the hardest of all might as well go into monk mode and light that candle in the lighthouse.
So in 2 months time this will be final...time to really really really focus on myself and make this something which becomes a positive change in my own life. Up all my efforts of working out and job hunting and surviving this.
I can't shake the saying you never know when you are 5 minutes away from a miracle...but that is the only thing to save this Marriage now. The D is inevitible. Maybe one day WAW will work through her stuff and the fog will lift and we will get another chance as better and stronger people...I can dream can't I?

[Davide]

Ste7e,

Good to hear from you. I am sorry that you don't have a happier update, but it certainly sounds like you are taking it better than you were a month ago. Of course your W is working through her own issues. But, like you said, you have to let that go.

I am a little confused by what you say about your conversation. You say it was all positive and you gave her everything she wanted but she was adversarial, resentful, and irritated. But you also seemed to pursue her - talking about going out to eat and telling her ILY. Don't you think that is what she was reacting to, the pressure? Just from what you describe it sounds like you were not very emotionally detached. Both of us need to work on dropping the rope more and focusing on ourselves.

I hear you with the haircut! I got one at the start of the trip, much shorter than I wanted so that my widows peak was showing much more than normal. My dad has been bald all my life, and I have always prided myself on my full head of hair, so it [censored].

Don't worry about saving the marriage. Worry about saving yourself. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you.

[Ste7e]

For clarification...She was advesarial the whole conversation...I was on pursuing at the end of the conversation.