Herbie, very sorry you find yourself here. Just a word of caution, it seems pretty clear your W has some really serious mental issues which are likely having a huge impact on how she views the M right now and may very well be the cause of your BD. DB'ing is really geared towards WAS's who have become disillusioned in M and have gotten tired of trying to get through to their LBS, and in desperation are quitting the M. Doing 180's, getting in shape, improving wardrobe, etc. is intended to show them the LBS has changed and to attract them back to the M. I'm not saying DB'ing won't work in your case, but I do think your sitch may have more to do with her mental illness than anything you did or didn't do in the M. And if that's the case, a technique like going dark may not help things. I think what you need more than anything is abundant patience, you need to pull back, detach and give her time and space while she (hopefully) sorts things out in counseling. Don't fight the D, but don't help it either. Let her take the reigns on that.
Originally Posted By: herbie
Re going dark, below is a text interaction between myself and W, is this the correct way to be going dark?
Today I received this message from my W -Is there any chance you could meet me in ****** with the boys after school? I have an appointment and should be done by 5:30. Otherwise I could come to the house and pick them up and take them for dinner.
My reply, short and to the point: -I cannot bring the boys today, they have clubs after school and then scouts.
Her reply : -Ok. I know you cannot bring the boys today - but can we meet in ***** tomorrow so that I can get my phone issues sorted out?
My reply: -your phone is not my business
Detaching and/ or going dark is not about being cold, indifferent and snippy which is how you are coming off above. Think of it as LOVINGLY detaching. You're giving her space because it's what she wants, you are doing this for her. If she reaches out to you then just keeps things calm and businesslike. Work with her on kid visitation and such. If you can't meet then it's perfectly fine to say so, but maybe offer an alternative date/ time that works for you.
If she opens up to you on her illness or anything, then listen and validate. Read Cadet's links on validation, it is arguably the most important tool in your kit.
If you have a moment, could you give me some coaching on how I could have dealt with my W asking me to meet her and give her help with her phone? Thanks
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
I have never suffered from the kind of anxiety that I have developed in the past week, waking every morning at 4am and being unable to sleep with a never ending cycle of thoughts racing through my mind.
That is one of the more unfortunate side effects of BD. I too had never experienced it before BD, and man did I ever wish there was an on/off switch for it! I remember just desperately wanting to sleep, I was so tired all the time. If it doesn't start getting better soon then talk to your doc. I did that and they put me on A/Ds and gave me some anti-anxiety med's to take on an as-needed basis. And they worked quite well, I only needed to take 1/4 pill but it would settle me down pretty fast and I was able to sleep at night like normal. Once the A/D's kicked in I no longer needed the anti-anxiety meds. After about a month on A/D's I was feeling pretty much like my pre-BD self and after a few more months I weaned off of them (after consulting my doc) and never looked back.
Quote:
I spoke to my wife briefly today over a family admin matter and she became hysterical very quickly and started catastrophising and distorting things I supposedly I have said over the years. She sounded very disturbed I have known her since we were kids and the person I spoke to today bore no resemblance to the woman I love. She is on all sorts of medication, so I am not surprised, but equally I am really concerned that having spent nearly four weeks in a top psychiatric hospital, she is catastrophising and raging at me.
All I can say is have faith in the system because there's nothing you can personally do to help her (because she sees you as the source of all her problems right now). Medicating mental illness is VERY tricky business, the med's affect different people in different ways and it can take many months for the doctor to get it all sorted and find the best combo for a particular person. When she rages at you just take the moral high road and try to be the rock in her storm.
Since she is blaming you for everything, that is one of the reasons to pull back and give her time and space. If you remove yourself from the equation, eventually she'll realize you are not the problem after all. It'll take some time though!
If you have a moment, could you give me some coaching on how I could have dealt with my W asking me to meet her and give her help with her phone? Thanks
It sounded like there was something missing to the story so that's why my response was a little on the generic side. What exactly was she asking of you regarding the phone issue? Was it a technical issue she wanted you to look at, or did she want you to buy her a new phone, or she wanted to go have it looked at but you needed to be there because your name is on the account? From a DB'ing perspective you don't want to go buying her anything as it'll look to her like you are trying to buy her back. But if it's something where you need to be there or she can't get it done then do help her out.
I think her battery had gone beyond it-s charging capacity so she wanted me to be there to advise about getting it replaced under a replacement scheme. From my initial reading into detaching and going dark I assumed that I am meant To give her an indication that I am no longer available to help with such things, she is making the choice to D and that will have it-s consequences.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
I think her battery had gone beyond it-s charging capacity so she wanted me to be there to advise about getting it replaced under a replacement scheme. From my initial reading into detaching and going dark I assumed that I am meant To give her an indication that I am no longer available to help with such things, she is making the choice to D and that will have it-s consequences.
Well, detaching and going dark are two completely different things. Detaching is just pulling back, not pursuing, not pressuring with R talks and giving her time and space. Going dark is really more for the LBS than the WAS, it's kind of a last resort when the LBS is having a lot of trouble detaching. Going dark is stopping all contact, which is nearly impossible when kids are involved. Early on you should first try to follow Sandi's rules and detach. Later you can evaluate if you need to go dark.
So if I understand correctly and she needs you there because you are on the account, then under the rules of detachment you would go, but not "rescue" her (IE, just stand back, let her do the talking and not say or do anything unless specifically asked by the clerk).
Finally, five days after she said she filed for D, after a long bike ride and also reading over half of the DB book, I feel slightly better and less bereft. I actually heard that W hasn t signed the D petition but is preparing to do so, which slightly softens the blow. We have a family holiday booked abroad for the end of July and W is still in the hospital for her fourth week, still having even worse panic attacks too. I imagine she has no intention of considering us all going away for the holiday and equally am concerned about her taking s10 and s8 away on her own to a remote place if she has panic attacks there, my two kids aren t going to be able to help her in anyway. It may well be that she brings a friend instead The journey continues
Last edited by Cadet; 07/11/1804:30 AM. Reason: restored post
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
