Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[SteveLW]

44, you remind me a lot of myself in March and April. The answer is, as it always is, that you can only control you.

y biggest concern is if I don't pull the brakes and withdraw, we might fall back to "normal" (which upon honest assessment seems to be the direction we're going).

Notice, this is UP TO YOU, but only from your end. If going back to "normal" is where she wants to go then you will have a decision to make at some point. Your goal is to keep the changes you've made going: GAL, 180s, detachment (even as you reconnect, please look up self differentiation in relationships for what that means) and being the best spouse you can be.

Marriage experts often say that if you want a better MR be a better S. It would be difficult for a S to not respond favorably to positive changes in their S. You cannot control your S but you can control you, so if you want your S to improve, then you make improvements.

I have seen this in my own MR. My W was stressed out last night. Moving is stressful. I have maintained a positive attitude throughout the move, even when she has been stressed and become short. Last night she was short and snappy at times. I just kept responding calmly, cooly, friendly and upbeat. The result was that she would quickly change to being more friendly and calm.

So 44, you are the key. Stay consistent and vigilant in your 180s and changes. Don't let yourself go back to the old normal. Make your new normal permanent. Your W would be a fool not to follow suit.