hongaku - great points! Thank you, this gives me some hope. Well even though it makes me feel like crap (probably because I do have NGS and its a work in progress for sure) we did talk about her and I did make eye contact and think positive thoughts while looking at her. Even though I was like this is boring as F and I understand youre tired and your dark circles under your eyes are not nearly as bad as mine as Im working 12 hours a day... you still look sexy as hell but no I did not say any of that.
For example, you need to have clear boundaries of respect for yourself and your own masculinity and if she were to try and tell you about another man she is interested in or anything like that, assert yourself and make clear that you are not interested in hearing about such things. - She is not seeing anyone, she is not talking about any other men. I have set boundaries about respect and not wanting to hear any of that. She is talking about family, her 1 or 2 girlfriends and work. She is sharing things about her life with me. I guess I should feel lucky that I have a career and can go to the beach with friends for lacrosse tournaments or play professionally if I choose to - GAL
But generally, you want to be there for her to talk to and to think of you again as someone she WANTS to talk to about her life. - She is talking to me about her life!
You just need to be an active listener, show empathy, validation and agreement when you get chances to talk with her. - I did this, while playing with D3 so I couldnt ignore her but I think I did well today. Is it normal for it to feel like crap and really 1 sided and to feel worse after these interactions? When / how does this shift... I guess if she wants to work on the relationship and chooses to?
Forget about yourself for the time being (in terms of interactions with her; obviously continue to focus on yourself with GAL and such), forget about the MR for the time being and just focus on re-connecting. - I will try!
Keep following the 37 rules and keep DBing! - I will
We ended with a hug and I told her I hope she has fun with her friend, send me a marg. Im impatient its a fault I need to work on it along with many other things.
Part of NGS is learning to say what you want to get your needs met... but I guess that will be somewhere down the road if we R.
Thanks again.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
It seems to me that she's got you on the hook and knows it. Personally, I would stop with the hugging and hanging out. You even said in your previous post that you need to be less available. You know what you should do, but you have a hard time doing it. That's understandable because it is hard. But you are feeding her a lot of cake. Back off and let her wonder what you are doing. She needs to fear losing you, but right now she has you eating the leftover cake crumbs from the palm of her hand. She has no real fear of losing you, and it's not working to your advantage...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
It feels like crap for me anyway. So I will cut the hanging out / hugs etc unless it is brief as we exchange D3 or if we make plans to spend time just the 2 of us. Rather than me stopping by to see D3 and we end up being around each other... will try to back off more... again. She comes back when I do... its after she comes back that Im not sure how to play it. I have read LRT a bunch of times.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
It has only been this way for about a month or less. We have separate homes. . She has anxiety around me and our daughter. Last night we were texting and she said her friend is how she was a year ago uncontrollable anxiety desperate for her husband to change. Desperate not to leave him. W said her anxiety around daughter is not something that she can work on. I disagree and think she will have to get Ic for her anxiety eventually. She mentioned i have changed so much to her friend and friend does not think her husband will change.
So yea maybe we are on the path to reconnecting. But there has been no sexual contact in over a year. No intimacy while we both have had multiple other partners. She is so secretive about her phone and I have followed suit. I think I am going to change that - phone and cut off contact with other women. It takes one to tango and change right? We have had one phone conversation. So we still have a long way to go. Defninitely no where near a good relationship, yet. I have a little more hope but I am nervous that she will not work on herself and after all this I will end up sad as he*l that she will not do the work. Maybe she will. I hope she will.
I have an appointment 7pm next fri with my therapist which is near w house. I told her that and said she had asked about getting a drink and she said she likes to talk after d goes to bed. So I said if you want that drink and a movie let me know you pick the movie i will bring the bottle. Definitely pursuit and should not have said it. Oh well...
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Edit w said she can not turn that off not that she can not work on it. In regard to her anxiety with daughter around... still makes me question wanting more kids with her when I want more kids. These are the conversations I want to have... patience I guess, right ?
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1811:19 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
It feels like crap for me anyway. So I will cut the hanging out / hugs etc unless it is brief as we exchange D3 or if we make plans to spend time just the 2 of us. Rather than me stopping by to see D3 and we end up being around each other... will try to back off more... again. She comes back when I do... its after she comes back that Im not sure how to play it. I have read LRT a bunch of times.
Don't even do that when you pick up or drop off D3. All business all the time. She is the cashier at the store. You are pleasant and friendly but don't really care about her or her life.
