Vanilla, I agree with all that and it's entertaining the way you write it! I guess we tend to think of a abuse in a narrow sense but I can see how many of those behaviors count as abuse. I wasn't trying to hijack Arsh's thread because we don't even know if her husband has had an affair. He may not have had one. It's more of the struggle to understand how someone can be a certain way for many years or even decades (not abusive at all), and then suddenly one day they morph into this horrible monster with no morals or ethics.
In my husband's case it's not that coming from another country is an excuse for his behavior but rather that perhaps he didn't have those opportunities there. The he came here and got married right away and was happy for a while but it was like being a kid in a candy shop and finally he gave in. I don't know if that's what happened to Arsh's husband or if her husband met someone by chance and wasn't looking, or if he is simply depressed and wants a different life. Only Arsh can guess at that, but for me it was a general question about whether abuser is an umbrella term that we should use for everyone.
I am okay with the alternate direction on the thread, I understand all of us are going thru h#ll and bring different perspectives based on what life has handed out to each one of us.
WAH has mediation arranged and it is going to happen, I feel I am supporting a D which I do not want but this is the necessary evil. WAH is pleasant at home as he is getting the quick D he needs, no more anger or yelling. Talking thru the mediation and separating terms actually cleared out the air, bitter pill for me but he seems to see an end to the MR thru it.
I had a nanny come over to watch kids while I was at home, zeroing on someone to have them for extended periods since WAH is leaving home soon. D7 months cried seeing a new face obviously, so he took her and kept her himself and gave me a few acrimonious comments on how he can manage kids on his own on his days and I cannot (he wants them only a couple of days a week). Since I do not want to stay away from my babies this arrangement works. I had to ask him about something in the house to which he said he will come HOME frequently even after he leaves and help me out. I kept quiet. Show by action what happens once you walk out of your own home, no point talking about it. He tends to spend more time as family than in the past but I do not indulge or encourage this, I typically walk out if he tries to engage with kids and me. Is this okay? He would flinch in the past if our hands touched while exchanging baby but yesterday he was leaning in on me to kiss D3. Shows a lot of affection to kids and takes care of them while at home, but wants to get out of the house and see them only few days a week, i just do not understand this.
No sign of remorse, guilt, doubts or any wavering of the D decision, he is moving ahead with it at a steady pace. My beliefs, my fight to keep the family intact for my Ds seems like a mirage at this time. I would so trade what I have for limbo. My biggest challenge now to stay unemotional at the mediation meeting, I have mastered my temper, improved my detachment but the thought of how this ended when the children are so small makes me a teary mess. I do not want to cry in front of him anymore, it gives him the power of knowing how all this has broken me from the inside. Crying is not showing detachment, hoping God gives me the strength to get through this.
Arsh, This is truly a difficult time. You need to stay stable and strong for the kids and you. Know that we are all with you. My prayers are with you and your family.
(((HUGS)))
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
arsh stay strong. Remember, for many D is just a step in the road toward R. So don't see mediation and even D as the end. It doesn't have to be. He could wake up and come to his senses at any moment. Who knows, once he is D'd he may realize his "single" life isn't what he fantasized about and coming crawling back.
NEVER. GIVE. UP.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Arsh, im sorry to hear that things are progressing so quickly with the D. I cant say limbo is any better though, its certainly no place to spend a significant amount of time. I agree with Steve, you never know how things will play out, new beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. Try to stay positive for yourself and Ds and allow the healing process to take you where it will. You will one day be ok one way or the other, lean on family and friends in the meantime to help you get there. Hugs.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Hang in there Arsh. You are doing the right things even if the results are not coming through for you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
V, LW, Steve, Helena, Davide, thank you. I read thru your responses multiple times to gain strength. I was reading another thread where Steve commented that she was the enabler and I could find so many similarities there. I ran the household, did all chores, managed finances, did most with D3, he made more money but not significantly so. One of his complaints is that I have nagged him about not pulling his weight at home. For the last 2 months, H does all household chores in fact beats me to it staying late at night and comments that I have been slacking at home. The patterns are all there no matter what our backgrounds are. I have let him take the reins with household chores, it is a 180 for both of us really.
Mediation went ok, he flipped on a few things but mostly everything is agreed upon, now it is only a matter of time. He was also trying to justify his position a lot to the mediator telling him how he is doing his best for the kids and how he wants to always watch out for them. The mediator wasnt buying any of it. The good part I think is I was stable, only choked once when it came to custody talks and I was dressed to impress, a lot of people at work even complemented how I looked, thanks to BD I have lost all preg weight in just 4 months and of course now I am thinner than before.
On returning H went into a texting frenzy saying I changed a few things once I went there, blamed me for wanting to speak to mediator by myself for just a minute and tried again to tell me how emotionally I was not supportive to him and I need to relent to his need to relocate post D. Wherever appropriate I validated, said sorry he was so miserable and he ended saying I need to introspect to see how I have failed him for 15 years to which i did not respond back. He has never had such discussions on text, but at home he has been casual, his post DB aloof self with minimal convo between us. He is even attempting some small talks to which i just respond nonchalantly. I was actually expecting the raging angry him but since the D is almost final maybe he is controlling his emotions.
I do not expect him to change his mind in the next 3 months, I only know I gave it my all. Are there any tips to improve my sitch? Is being out with the kids GAL enough? I am positive there is no PA and actually dont think there is an EA either He probably does suffer from depression but more so he has been a pleaser who has bottled up resentments and now his ego has got the better of him. I wish I had come here sooner, the first 2 months post BD I made so many mistakes, pursued like crazy, cried, pleaded, begged, involved parents on both sides, it was like my post partum brain could not process any of this shock.
Well I have small kids to raise so I dont have time to fall apart or mope or analyze anymore. What an unexpected end though. Just like that I went from completing my family with baby 2 to having no family set up for my children.
That sounds great, you are mighty. Absolutely everything H did is script and as expected, down to rationalizing, pleading and blaming. Generalizing and rewriting history too.
The best FOR YOU is LRT, does that mean dating? NO.
It means getting a life and not just the kids, it is a sort of GAL and you can add mom coffee meets.
As for looking amazing, choose to dress to the shoes every day.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
