Patience & DB / Detach or Divorce

[Did]

Good advice for sure. Expectations assumptions and control have caused issues for me / us in the past. Thank you

[AnotherStander]

Did,

It's great that you are talking, but it seems like you are already putting expectations on this meeting. That seems unhealthy at this early stage. Just get together with her, without expectations, and listen to her. It could be that she is looking to R, but maybe not. It only causes problems to go in expecting something. Slow down and remember that you dont need her, that you are complete as is. If she wants to share time with you, great. But you are in control.

^^^100% agree^^^

Did, my thoughts when reading your posts were "why does he think a meeting to have a glass of wine means she wants to recon?" For all you know she wants to work out some D details. Don't go in with plans of making a pass at her! This is simply a fact-finding mission. Go, listen, validate, do nothing else. Whatever she says, whether it's interest in recon or D details or whatever, remember you don't have to negotiate or resolve anything right there. She's going in knowing her agenda, you are going in blind. So whatever it is, ESPECIALLY if it's recon talk, tell her you need time to think about it.

[Loves77]

IMO

It's neither recon or d details. It's what she said it is. Hanging out. Nothing more , nothing less. She is testing the waters a bit. Stay chill and stay the way you have been. Don not act more interested or any less. When this happened with me I got yo excited and pushed him away. Just pretend you are meeting an old friend.

[ovrrnbw]

Is the date set? 2 weeks out seems a bit strange. Is there a reason I missed for that?

[Did]

No date set. She wants to hang out and hopes to enjoy the time together and go from there. She has talked about starting a new relationship. The two weeks out is just a day where we have a babysitter set up.

I a man busy through Friday night with work this week. Then will probably have time with daughter Saturday. Then tues thurs going to beach with daughter. W will probably want a break after being with a 3 year old by herself for a week straight.

I am going to her house now to see daughter. W invited me over any day after working camp. We will see how it goes. Just going to be happy to see daughter no expectations. W is going to dinner with a girl friend and her mom isn t coming at 6 to babysit.

[ovrrnbw]

I have no kids, I'm definitely not used to that! Well I hope the "date" goes well but I'm hoping you stay level headed and don't get sucked into something bad.

[Did]

Seeing her there is really nothing positive I always leave feeling down. She does not show any emotion or excitement or anything.
So then I have to hold back when I want to compliment or express anything - good to see you. Etc. maybe I just need to step back more.
Stop thinking of including her in plans or assuming she wants what I have wanted for a year. She really does not even say much nice. JUSt talks about herself how she is excited To get dinner and a marg with her friend. How tired she is etc. No asking how I am or anything. Got to just consider her a WAW and not think of her as the caring deep person I married. She did make me a a great plate of food. But it is like she has an emotional block or just such thick walls up.

Frustrating wish it would change change. Patience. More GAl more detach less available.

Thanks all for the support. I have found it better to post here rather Than talk to fam or friends who just tell me to move on or go out and a see what ia out there and have fun And no way do not go back to her etc.

Feeling kind of sad. That is not how I should feel after seeing a womans I want to be with and my daughters. Back to work on the computer most of the night

[hongaku]

Did, you WANT her to talk about herself to you. Validate and act interested in what she is saying. You need to let go of expectations and covert contracts. Women tend to talk more than men in general and she is sharing with you her excitement. She does not have to talk to you at all.

I am sorry, but you wanting her to ask about you and such at this point in time is being needy and a bit selfish. Very NGS-ish if I am being frank.

You can say something like good to se you when you greet her, there is nothing wrong with that. But you should be focusing on HER when you talk to her, not yourself, and not hoping she wants to talk about you right now. Make the most of the opportunities you get to re-establish an emotional connection and friendship. Again, you want her to excitedly talk to you about HER life. Not unconditionally, of course. For example, you need to have clear boundaries of respect for yourself and your own masculinity and if she were to try and tell you about another man she is interested in or anything like that, assert yourself and make clear that you are not interested in hearing about such things. But generally, you want to be there for her to talk to and to think of you again as someone she WANTS to talk to about her life. You just need to be an active listener, show empathy, validation and agreement when you get chances to talk with her. Forget about yourself for the time being (in terms of interactions with her; obviously continue to focus on yourself with GAL and such), forget about the MR for the time being and just focus on re-connecting. Keep following the 37 rules and keep DBing!

[Did]

I feel worse after seeing W. I am so physically attracted to her. But she is so walled up. She seems to have her guard up constantly. And I dont think she even notices it. I did another post but it was from my phone and Im sure there were apostrophes and Cadet will restore it sometime.

I got to W house and she asks me to play with D3 so she can cook. She proceeds to make this big meal for me which is nice, and appreciated. I thanked her, we hugged it out. I showered after 6 hours in 90+ degrees and got dressed, looking good. I knew she had plans to go out with a girlfriend, they are going to a place both of us like mexican with great margaritas. Of course the selfish part / back of my mind is thinking I wish we were going... as her mom is coming over to watch D3. Something she has done maybe 1 time ever for us to go out... so that is in the back of my mind. I am not a priority and have not been for a long time.

Anyway, after she makes the food she asks if she can shower and I play with D3, I say of course. She takes 45 min curls her hair, looks smoking hot. Wearing silk small robe obviously Im looking but trying not to... or at least not to let her know Im looking.

I am so tired of these mind games. I want to tell her she looks sexy and give her affection. Or be with someone that I can do those things with...someone that wants that, appreciates it and it turns them on. Will we ever get there?!? I know I have to be patient its been a couple months of us getting along after a rocky to say the least 10 months and a neglectful marriage she had a ton of pain from. So I guess Im unrealistic in my timetable and need t o be happy about baby steps. Really hard for me...

At this point I feel worse seeing her, I guess I shouldnt spend much time with her, right? At least not unless the time is meant for us to be together - like if we get a drink and her focus is on us. Otherwise I am too focused on her and I should just take D3 out or have her when time allows. We talked about me maybe coming back over Thursday but I dont think I am going to.

I know how I feel about her if she could open up and laugh and be the deep caring person I married. But seeing this selfish person who doesnt give any physical affection ever or seems to not care / doesnt ask about me etc just makes me feel worse.

Thats why Im torn and why I think about seeing new women. There has to be something better... or I should continue to be patient and wait for W to heal / see how it goes? Maybe she gets back to that great girl I used to have. I know she has to be thinking in some part of her mind- he is going to a nice beach with our daughter. And he never loses his cool and shes told me how attractive I am in regard to neither of us being able to have friends of opposite sex.

Either way I need to detach more. I have to have less expectations / no expectation. I have to be less available. And I have to stop caring about what shes thinking since it is so far outside of my control... easier said than done.

Thanks all for advice / opinions.

[Cadet]

I did another post but it was from my phone and Im sure there were apostrophes and Cadet will restore it sometime.

YES