Introduction

[TJT]

Hi everyone,

I have just joined the community after reading through many of the threads and getting familiar with the concepts of DBing, specifically the 180s.

Here is the story of what is happening in my world. I will start with some background.

I have been with my H for almost 10 years. After 5 1/2 years of dating, we have been married for 3 1/2.

H has a son from a previous relationship. He was 4 when we started seeing each other. It has been a rough road learning how to be a stepmother but we've managed to get to a decent spot and I have always been thankful that H has been so patient with me (I know it was hard for both of us to adjust). At the same time, there have certainly been ongoing struggles with our different parenting styles.

H has always been very introverted. I consider myself one as well. We don't go out a lot and were always content just being in the same room together even if we weren't necessarily chatting. He used to tell me he felt more comfortable and vulnerable with me than anyone else. That being said, I noticed over the years that he is also very conflict avoidant. He suppresses his feelings and for most of our relationship he has almost never been the one to start a conversation about something he was unhappy about. I would usually get frustrated knowing something was wrong or if one of us was unhappy and be the initiator of these conversations. He also tends to get frustrated very easily if such conversations last longer than he thinks they need to, which in some cases is not long at all.

He is a chronic procrastinator although I also see this as some form of avoidance, because it happens even with things that I think most people would see as fairly important.

I have always handled all the finances in terms of paying bills and we never merged bank accounts, so he usually just gives me a certain amount each month for bills and then we just sort of alternate paying for groceries, dinners out, etc. Any time something logistically needs to be done in the household, like calling to renew a cable package, I do it. I am pretty much the life coordinator for us.

I did explain to him at one point how I get stressed being the only one who has to manage and plan things. Whether it's our finances, our wedding, vacations - he is 90% hands off. He said he prefers that I do these things simply because I'm better at it, but offered to take a few things if I wanted him to. I felt like it was just him appeasing me so we never arranged anything different. I have asked him to take the lead on setting a time for us to meet on any issues, whether budget or just things we want to talk about between us so things wouldn't fester, and it never happened. I did not continue to point this out or "nag" about it... I know part of this is probably my fault for not setting a boundary or realizing I needed/wanted one earlier in the relationship.
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At any rate, we have been trucking along in life and dealing with the bumps as we go, and I am not naive about the fact that there have certainly been ongoing issues that don't improve much. Recognizing that we don't "hear" each other well in our style of communication, I've suggested things along the way like couple's counseling (something we did before we got married, which surprisingly at the time he acted like he would do again) but he has never had any continued interest in that - even when I reminded him that he seemed to like it before.

A little over a year ago he had back surgery, and it went well and didn't debilitate him too much, but he did have to take a rest from work. I think he is a bit of a workaholic, which he has always done to make sure we have the money for the "extra" things we want, which I have always appreciated. But we also frequently talk about how it is good for him to take breaks and we will be okay, and that we NEED that for both him and the family.

FYI, I am the primary breadwinner. I basically make double than what his typical salary has been across various jobs. It doesn't bother me at all and he has certainly played a major role in us meeting financial goals as I have student loans that prevent me from having much wiggle room, so most of what he gets is what becomes our savings and it all evens out in the end, in my opinion. I have always emphasized that if he's unhappy in a job or working too hard, I want him to not stress about being a "provider" so much. We've even joked about him becoming a stay at home husband if we could ever get to that point.

After the surgery he took a new job and the place was TERRIBLE. His previous job wasn't all that great either, and we had hoped this would be a good change. It was a small business but the WORST ownership in the world. He managed the place but was extremely stressed and decided he was going to help the other employees find new jobs since he has a lot of connections in his industry and he felt bad for them.

This is really where I noticed our problems getting serious in the R. He would come home and unload all of the ridiculous things that happened at work. I wasn't mad at him for doing so - I empathized and expressed to him how frustrating it was to have him have to go through it! Admittedly, there were times I tried to give advice which he ended up telling me at one point he didn't want me to do. It hurt my feelings a bit but I understood and tried to do it less so he didn't feel like I was telling him how to do his job.
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Meanwhile, we started looking for a home. We had been living in an apartment for our whole relationship up to this point. Well, aside from when we very, very first met and he was living in the old home him and his son's mother lived in, which he was really struggling to keep up with on his income alone (and I was still in school at the time) so we ended up walking away and having it foreclosed upon.

We signed a contract and started building, and H said as soon as we closed on the home he hoped to have everyone out of the company and would then leave immediately himself. I fully supported the decision as I knew this was a very bad situation for everyone involved.

During the construction of our home, things just kept getting worse with his job. He was always texting people from work when he wasn't there because everyone was looking to him for so much support. While stressful, I think he really enjoyed this attention...and started comparing it to our relationship. Mind you, the people he managed were typically high school or college age, with this being one of their first jobs, and we obviously the situations you deal with at work are different than the complexity in a marriage.

I fully supported his role as a mentor and leader to these people, but I really started to recognize that he was putting even more attention than usual into work where he was now in a "hero" role than to be at home working on things with me. He got more distant at home and there were absolutely times where I asked him what was wrong. He would always say he was fine and if I were to persist, he would get annoyed and actually TOLD me to stop asking. So I did. Much of his time is spent on his iPad or phone (and this is even the case when his son is around), to the point where I feel like it's an addiction or at least a major major distraction from the real world.

He has also slept on the couch for YEARS. This used to be an intermittent thing that was the result of his back pain, our different sleep schedules, and the fact that he snores loudly which was disruptive to me. I accepted all of these as valid and figured we are just one of those contemporary couples who don't have to sleep in the same bed! I would still request him to sleep in the bed sometimes (with varying success rates) but largely it has been "normal" for so long.

From an intimacy perspective, we haven't had the most amazing sex life but I have always tried to make it happen at least once a week. Admittedly that doesn't always happen and I also expressed to him how as his son gets older, it's a little more awkward being intimate when he is in the house (which is half the time).
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I feel most of this came to a head on our anniversary last year, 2017. He planned a nice dinner out, at an expensive restaurant, but spent almost the entire time on his phone because someone from work needed his help. I was appalled and hurt. I didn't say anything at dinner but I was certainly not my normal self, and I think at some point after we got home he asked me what was wrong, noticing my behavior. When I expressed my frustration at what happened, I think he admitted that it was not the right thing to do, but he also got very defensive.

At some point in the conversation he outright said that he thinks people at work know him better than I do, which really hurt me. I made a hurtful comment back (the first time I've really ever done that) and regretted it. After that argument, when we revisited a few days later, he inflated the part of the argument that was my fault and said he thinks about the comment I had made all the time and he can't get past it. I apologized to him multiple times and just tried to let him know where I was coming from, how much what he said had hurt me too and that I was just reacting. It didn't do much but again, we continued on with life although I really started to question where his head was a because he made me feel like I was a completely bad person with no compassion about what I was struggling with.

I did also ask him - in a separate conversation later on - why he was moving forward building a house with me if he felt this way about our relationship. He had said it's not something he is immediately concerned about, that if things are the way they are in 5 years then maybe it will be time to do something... but basically "we'll cross that bridge when we get there." He seemed to downplay it.
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So fast forward to a few months ago - we've moved into the house. He quit his job - hallelujah - although he has not found a new one (which again, I'm not rushing him). But he was still acting distant and generally unhappy. One time I ask him what the deal is after he snapped at me for no reason. I had been very aware of my tone and interactions with him and really did not think I did anything wrong. At that time he had a mini-breakdown and said he wasn't sure why he was feeling the way he was feeling. I encouraged him to talk to ANYONE, whether me, a friend, his parents, or a doctor. That was really the extent of that conversation and I made sure to let him know I was there for him and just wanted to support him.

An argument occurs again not long after - over text, which was my mistake - because I couldn't stand his continuing to be distant (and that morning I don't think he kissed me goodbye which NEVER happens). I outright asked if he wants to be with me and expressed my frustration that he doesn't seem to be trying (another mistake in hindsight, as we all know now). He tells me he feels I am not supportive enough, I am too negative, I give the impression that nobody can do anything right, etc. We go back and forth a little and I point out to him that he has told me outright to stop asking him what's wrong. His response? I should have just known to keep asking and insist upon it if I was really concerned. People who really know the other person would know to do that. What?!

I try to ask him what he thinks we can do, basically demanding he tell me something because I don't want him to be unhappy (probably another mistake), until finally he dropped the bomb and said he thought we'd be better apart. I ask if it means that he wants a divorce, and while he beat around the bush a bit more after, he eventually said yes.

He comes home from work and I'm a frickin mess. I start doing the begging and pleading and trying to rationalize why we got to this spot and how I don't see it as something we can't fix. Of course, he was not backing down. He was done, still not agreeable to counseling, still in the belief that if we haven't figured it out by now that it's not possible. Telling me he doesn't feel the love anymore (ILYBNILWY). That night I bawled and hyperventilated in his arms on the couch, asking questions (rhetorical ones in that moment) about what we were going to do with the house and the pets and would I ever see his son again. He said not to think about that right now.

Then, the next few days he continued to run in and out of the home going to different side jobs he had been setting up to keep himself busy, acting almost completely normal, aside from not wearing his wedding ring. I was so confused. Finally on his way to work again one morning I asked if I could tell my mom. He agreed and said he thought I should talk to someone and get out of the house. Then after he left for work, a short time after he texts me and says he "wants to try" and we could talk later. I feel a glimmer of hope, but I still ended up telling my mom, which has been a huge help along this rollercoaster since then (but I don't know if he knows I told her as I never confirmed with him whether I proceeded after his text message).

We talked later that day (which I had to initiate again. I waited as long as I could and it seemed he was just going to let it go). But when we did he just said that he didn't think it was fair to not give me a chance after he saw my reaction - but that he wasn't making any promises because he feels this way for a reason. He sees me trying to do things but it just doesn't give him that same feeling as before or motivate him to work on things anymore.

He also SAID that he wanted us to outline what we would do if it does end up coming to a divorce ultimately, so that our emotions wouldn't get in the way (we both did agree we wouldn't want it to be ugly or fight, and we don't have a whole lot - aside from the house - to split up). But once again, he never sat down to do that or requested we do it, and I never pushed the issue again. I feel overall we did have a level-headed conversation in the moment and felt some hope. He started wearing his ring again.
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Meanwhile I sent a message to the person who married us, who is an old friend of his (they are not super close). I tell him what's going on in confidence and ask for his advice. He tells me to focus on what I can change and improve about myself and just continue to be positive and CHOOSE acts of love even if he doesn't acknowledge, appreciate or reciprocate it.

So I start doing these things and admittedly took it overboard trying to compensate. Predictably, H saw it as fake (obviously I hadn't read any advice on this site yet). Even though it was excessive, it certainly wasn't fake and the things I was doing I HAD done in the past, just not at that frequency. So I still get how it can be seen as a bit "extra". H had asked me why it took him asking for a divorce for me to do these things and while of course I don't see it as having NOT tried before, all I could do was explain that I'm not perfect, that I'm trying to work on myself and I just didn't realize how much he needed me to focus on these things before. I agreed to back off a bit, which is still really confusing/hard because as many others in these forums have shared, I don't want to not do something and then have it held against me. It seems like such a delicate and unforgiving balance that I feel is so unfair to have to try to figure out.

Anyway, I continued being positive and it seemed things were going a little better in terms of our interactions. It was still definitely different - not great hugs and those weird side kisses - but he wasn't avoiding it all together. But after about a month of doing this and feeling so unloved and confused in return, I broke down the other day again in the bathroom. I planned to get it out in private and move on because I knew he would be annoyed by it, but eventually he came in and saw. He stood there and didn't say anything, but he stayed there so I felt like I had to start talking. I said I didn't mean to get upset but it's hard feeling like your husband doesn't want anything to do with you. He continued his story of this being hard for him too and how he hates seeing me like this, etc.

So (to make this regression worse) I ask again what he wants to do because it seems like we're just in limbo not doing anything, and we should either be going our separate ways or working on it, OR if he's not sure to at least be taking steps to figure it out, not just living our lives in this weird space (I know I was trying to be rational which I've learned does not work here). He reiterated that he doesn't trust how long any changed behavior would last (all the while I'm restraining my feelings about how the hell I can ever trust someone in a marriage again if he proceeds just giving up on it). I say it sounds like he's not sure and he then emphasizes he IS sure, and thought he was clear before, that he thinks divorcing would be best.

He made sure to mention that it seems like I keep hinging on little things he's saying to give me hope - which is partly accurate - but also, dude, you just aren't making sense!!

Finally I said if that's what you want...you will have to do it because I just can't. I'm not the one who wants it. Going back to his tendency to procrastinate and such, I figure if he really goes through the work of getting papers and all that, he must REALLY want it.
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This was just a few days ago. I have been a wreck again since then and after having read more of this stuff I am considering the 180s instead of the "choosing love" route, although as I saw in one of the threads here I don't think it's always black and white and I am starting by experimenting with a blend to see what seems to get positive results or not. I do feel like I need to continue showing compassion and some level of love since, again, he claims that's what was missing before...but I just need to be careful not to "chase" him and be so available overall, or intent on saying "I love you" and such if he's going to maintain he wants a divorce. The "I love you" part and showing no physical affection has been THE HARDEST because I feel like I'm being so cold and just reinforcing that I'm not there for him.

He has stopped wearing his ring as of this last discussion again, which really troubles me. I also notice, again, that he can be completely cheerful and happy-go-lucky after these conversations as if everything is normal, which is so crazy to me.

I do NOT think any OW is involved. Of course I'm not with him 100% of the time but I just feel like if that really was the case, why wouldn't he just abandon me for her? I fully believe there are other issues going on that he is not handling in a productive way. This is not to abdicate responsibility for anything I KNOW I need to do, and am committed to doing, to improve the relationship and myself, but it is just my honest assessment.

Legally, I don't think I can make us be physically apart as me leaving the house would not be a good idea and I don't think asking HIM to leave will be a good choice either in this situation...
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I have definitely wondered if he is just riding on the coattails until he feels he is personally in a better situation financially. From a logistics standpoint, I have to say he'd be pretty stupid to give up the stability I bring to his life and even on my worst day I really don't believe I'm such a terrible person or have been that bad in this relationship. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to take advantage, but I don't know. Then again, on some days I wonder if he IS trying to make me mad so that I make the move to file for divorce (which is the one thing in our life together that I will NOT do unless I really am feeling abused or just super unhealthy staying in the situation, because I don't think it's a solution to any of this).

At the end of the day, I am trying not to make any accusations. But I know I also can't take what he says or does at face value. So, as the DB technique suggests, I am trying to get my own life while also finding that balance with H.

It is the hardest, most gut wrenching thing I have ever had to experience, and I have to constantly stop myself from wondering WHY. Why can't he see all the things I've given up in my life to support him? All the stresses I've had to deal with? Why is he being so critical of me, while so easily brushing his faults under the rug or admitting to them but then still making it my problem because "I deserve better"? I can't imagine how this isn't a death sentence for people who have been together for multiple decades and have kids going through this, because I would do anything for this to NOT be happening to me right now. I feel like my entire life up to this point will have been for nothing if we get a divorce, and that I will have to rethink all of my future on top of it.

I will stop here and continue to journal over time because this is already astronomically long...but I hope someone manages to read through it all to help understand my situation and give advice as I try to navigate this.

Thank you for welcoming me to the community.