So keep in mind that my mom has not been diagnosed with NPD, but I can't find any other explanation for her behavior, which has been consistent over all her life.
Some of the key things she has done over the years - lie, manipulate, gaslight everybody. She thrived on create instability in relationships and then exploited them to create dependencies on her.
Especially with her children, she did this since we were children to ensure that we were dependent on her. So, I definitely believe that my co-dependency, NGS, and other stuff has its roots there.
The thing about having a NPD type parent is that it's extremely damaging to the children if there are no other positive influences to balance it out - and even then it's very difficult for the kids to escape unscathed.
My parents marriage fell apart when I was 8, but it was deteriorating for a few years. I had no idea what happened except all the lies she fed me about it. I grew up hating my dad and cut off contact with him for years. He went on remarried and had a new family and so it became easier for him I guess. I also think he was so broken by my mom's continuous lies, manipulation, and infidelity that he just needed to get away. I am a bit critical of that approach as I would never leave my kids. But anyways, that's what happened.
So I grew up hating my father and lost touch with that entire side of the family. I had loving relationships with others in my mom's side of the family, but she slowly destroyed all of that by lies and gaslighting me. It got so bad that I cut contact with them for over a decade.
Here's the reason why it's so damaging when it's happening when you're a kid - you have absolutely no reason to not trust your parent. You also have no marker for comparison and you are still so little that you have no discernment skills. So, I did not understand the magnitude of what was happening. And this went on for almost 3 decades.
But as I got older, the story just didn't add up. There were cracks in it and my mom's explanations and answers didn't make sense. I also got perspective when I had my kids because now I was weighing her life decisions, especially ones that affected us, through a different microscope. And they didn't make sense because they were bad decisions. One of two bad decisions is fine. But a pattern over 2 decades? Now that is not just some bad apples.
The other thing this type of parent does is not only create this crazy level of co-dependency with them, but you also become very fearful to do something that might upset them if they found out.
But when things didn't add up, and I thought about it intensely for a few years, I decided to break rank and contact my family that I hadn't spoken to in a decade. And they asked me if I was ready to hear the truth about everything. And I was. So, I went and saw them in secret, and we spent 2 weeks unpacking decades worth of hurt, trauma, and pain. I got confirmation that my hunches were right and what I learned was devastating.
I didn't find out till my early 30s and then I made the conscious choice of not having her in my life for my own sake but also for my kids. I vowed that my kids would have a fresh start to life without all of this baggage and if that included cutting her out, so be it.
So, when I say here sometimes that I am working through decades of trauma on top of BD to get myself healthy, it really is rooted in my childhood and the effects of this one person and what her choices meant for me.
She doesn't have real friends. She only befriends people who she can use for some reason, and usually it's money. She discards people once they're past their usefulness. She is promiscuous and has cheated on all her boyfriends with multiple men. She is obsessed with wealth and fantasies of luxury, but doesn't want to work for it. She gets involved with rich men who get her stuff and lives off their largesse. She's never really maintained her career or work life and just wanted a hand out.
Anyways, the moral of the story is that a NPD parent can have very damaging consequences on the child. If my father was actively involved, I don't know how things would've been. Even with loving family around me, she was able to exert unbelievable damage to my life.
So create a very stable environment for your son. Be an upstanding person with integrity and truth. I think only a parent can counter the other parent's behaviour and have the same level of weight. How you hold yourself up and what your values are will most likely keep your son more grounded. He will know that you are trustworthy and won't bull$hit him. Start it now so he will always remember that this is who you are. He will trust you as much as he trusts you, and if that remains unbroken over time, he will come to see the truth and reality as he gets older.
