WAW - managing limbo period

[40free]

Thanks to AS, HG and Vanilla for your responses. All good guidance, in what is fast becoming a make or break time for us. For good or for bad.

We had another talk last night as the kids were all out. More tears, emotions, going round in circles on her part. Some quotes from the conversation to give you an idea of how she is feeling.

"I am withering inside". "I dread getting up in the morning". "I feel trapped.", all describing her experience of living with me at the moment.

That's on the one hand. On the other hand "I feel so selfish about what I am doing to you and the kids." "I am such a coward". "I'm so scared of having to start all over again, with a new house, a new job. I don't know how I will cope. I can't even work the TV."

Basically more of the same. And nothing indicating she can see a way to work on our relationship. Only references with everything else, as has been the way for the last few weeks.

I told her we basically have 2 options. The same 2 options as before.

(1) If the scales are tipping more towards her not wanting to be with me any more (and it's clear to me they are), then I help her pull the trigger. And I help her with whatever she is scared about. I'm nice like that. Probably too nice according to my sister. NGS is me all over, and that's something I need to work on regardless. Or

(2) If she just can't get her head around the destruction she is causing, and feels she just has to try to work on us because the alternative is too guilt-ridden and scary, even if she thinks there's not much hope, then we start counselling together and also lay out ways in which our relationship will need to change (and there will be lots, from both sides). Things like me giving her more space, she doing things to help me trust her again. etc

The problem with (2) is that, aside from the general need to figure out how we re-connect in our relationship again, it has to involve some form of sexual therapy, or ways for her to get her feelings for me back. Her lack of desire for me is a major problem in her mind. And the thought of the counsellors approach to sex therapy repulses her. She had even asked our CC what that would entail when she had her 1-to-1 session with her a couple of weeks ago. You know, hand-holding, then touching non-intimately etc, then the rest follows. I could see her face contort as she recounted this. She can't even bear to hold my hand - how the heck is she going to do the rest. Very hurtful for me to see/hear, but at least I know where I stand.

I left the conversation feeling genuinely sick. I repulse her (ok, maybe a bit strong, but she sees me as nothing more than a friend. Not a lover.) She can't spend time in my company. She doesn't even want to hold my hand. I know this is not to do with me, it's her. And in fact she told me as much. She thinks I'm a 'good man', and it's just that her feelings have changed. But how can this be the basis of a M?

So again, my view - (1) is the only solution. I could make this decision myself tbh. I should. My sister (who is admittedly partisan, and sick of the way my W is treating me, taking control, and I'm letting her), says I should. She says (2) is not going to work, and my W knows it. So it is just delaying the inevitable, and then we'll be back in this vicious circle of not being able to decide between unhappy marriage or destruction.

We have to decide soon. We do actually have some time pressure as given the kids have a big year in school next year, we don't want to disrupt it with giving them all this to deal with. And so if we're going to do it, it should be now/soon so they have the holidays to get their heads around it, and for us to help them do it. If we are going to make a go of it, really we just have a few weeks to see, or a full year, if we don't want to disrupt their education.

And we're supposed to go on vacation next week (7/16), so we need to decide what to do about that as well. Do I go? Do I pretend I have work/travel? Can my W and I even be there together given we haven't slept in the same room for 10 weeks?

Anyway, I left the house early today to work elsewhere and give my W the space so she can 'wither inside' a little less. My sister says why should I be the one to do that. But I feel I need to at least make an effort. I do still care for her, and hate that she is clearly so unhappy. But something does have to give.

Maybe we'll chat again this evening. I'll wait to see if the time apart today has helped her decide one way or the other.

Keep you posted..