You are absolutely correct, of course, about cultivating a relationship with oneself and learning to love oneself and realize that you are enough. It is hard and uncomfortable work. I have spent most of my 40 years avoiding that type of self-reflection and introspection because I was vaguely aware or, at the very least, afraid that I wouldnt like what I would find, that I was inadequate, or incompetent. Silences used to bother me and I would fill them at all costs with noise, music, conversation, or even thoughts. I wonder how true that is for a lot of people, more common than you would think is my thought.
I am cultivating a mindfullness practice and learning to live in the moment. Beyond that I have found that taking some time each day to be in silence with myself is a positive strategy, to sit with myself and look at myself without judgement but also without avoiding the tough questions. There is still a gap between the intellectual knowledge that I am enough, that I am loveable and full of love - and feeling that course through my veins in an undeniable expression of truth. It is like when you talk about gratitude - when I really feel it and am not simply going through the motions it generates a physical response. I can feel it and know it is real.
You talk about the pain being related to the feeling of inadequacy afterwards, and I agree (to an extent.) I think the feeling of inadequacy, at least in my case, clearly predated the relationship. The relationship propped me up artificially and helped raise me out of the mire of those feelings. Unfortunately, those external supports are never as strong as building a better emotional structure within. There is no replacement for loving and valuing yourself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
