Herbie, very sorry you find yourself here. Just a word of caution, it seems pretty clear your W has some really serious mental issues which are likely having a huge impact on how she views the M right now and may very well be the cause of your BD. DB'ing is really geared towards WAS's who have become disillusioned in M and have gotten tired of trying to get through to their LBS, and in desperation are quitting the M. Doing 180's, getting in shape, improving wardrobe, etc. is intended to show them the LBS has changed and to attract them back to the M. I'm not saying DB'ing won't work in your case, but I do think your sitch may have more to do with her mental illness than anything you did or didn't do in the M. And if that's the case, a technique like going dark may not help things. I think what you need more than anything is abundant patience, you need to pull back, detach and give her time and space while she (hopefully) sorts things out in counseling. Don't fight the D, but don't help it either. Let her take the reigns on that.
Originally Posted By: herbie
Re going dark, below is a text interaction between myself and W, is this the correct way to be going dark?
Today I received this message from my W -Is there any chance you could meet me in ****** with the boys after school? I have an appointment and should be done by 5:30. Otherwise I could come to the house and pick them up and take them for dinner.
My reply, short and to the point: -I cannot bring the boys today, they have clubs after school and then scouts.
Her reply : -Ok. I know you cannot bring the boys today - but can we meet in ***** tomorrow so that I can get my phone issues sorted out?
My reply: -your phone is not my business
Detaching and/ or going dark is not about being cold, indifferent and snippy which is how you are coming off above. Think of it as LOVINGLY detaching. You're giving her space because it's what she wants, you are doing this for her. If she reaches out to you then just keeps things calm and businesslike. Work with her on kid visitation and such. If you can't meet then it's perfectly fine to say so, but maybe offer an alternative date/ time that works for you.
If she opens up to you on her illness or anything, then listen and validate. Read Cadet's links on validation, it is arguably the most important tool in your kit.
