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[OrangeK]

One word answeres, dont reach out.
Yes, No, Where, When and Who, and only relating to your kids.
other than that dont bring anything up or chase for answers.

Just ride it out.

[marina7]

Sorry you are here, but you found a great place to vent. So keep being superhero dad. Not sure if I would leave kids alone with W due to her mental illness for that only reason they are ao young. Do W get along with older kids. Maybe they can be the ones to go and be with there younger siblings to watch them. Unfortunately your W at the moment your her anxiety. I know I am W anxiety so I stay far away from her. Just stay strong and sorry yourself are sick you must take care of yourself first your kids going to need you more than ever now. I myself am very ill and I have eaten better,exercise and yoga and meditation I am feeling better than when I was with W. You are truly in my prayers.

[jaylove]

Got it, thanks!

[jaylove]

Ok- will go through the detachment thread thoroughly- thank you

[jaylove]

Thank you- likewise, exercise has kept me sane and I have lost 10lbs in two weeks from cycling and not eating so much.

[Cadet]

Thank you- likewise, exercise has kept me sane and I have lost 10lbs in two weeks from cycling and not eating so much.

Yes its called the LBS diet.

Start with re-reading the first post I made here and taking care of yourself, exercise, eat properly and GAL

[jaylove]

But as I mentioned in my post about her asking for help with her phone, I said it was not my business, but in fact I still will need her to keep
Supporting the family as my financial sitch isn t good and she unfortunately currently holds the purse strings.

[jaylove]

Thank you- likewise, exercise has kept me sane and I have lost 10lbs in two weeks from cycling and not eating so much.

Yes its called the LBS diet.

Start with re-reading the first post I made here and taking care of yourself, exercise, eat properly and GAL

LBS diet! That raised a smile!!

[AnotherStander]

Herbie, very sorry you find yourself here. Just a word of caution, it seems pretty clear your W has some really serious mental issues which are likely having a huge impact on how she views the M right now and may very well be the cause of your BD. DB'ing is really geared towards WAS's who have become disillusioned in M and have gotten tired of trying to get through to their LBS, and in desperation are quitting the M. Doing 180's, getting in shape, improving wardrobe, etc. is intended to show them the LBS has changed and to attract them back to the M. I'm not saying DB'ing won't work in your case, but I do think your sitch may have more to do with her mental illness than anything you did or didn't do in the M. And if that's the case, a technique like going dark may not help things. I think what you need more than anything is abundant patience, you need to pull back, detach and give her time and space while she (hopefully) sorts things out in counseling. Don't fight the D, but don't help it either. Let her take the reigns on that.

Re going dark, below is a text interaction between myself and W, is this the correct way to be going dark?


Today I received this message from my W
-Is there any chance you could meet me in ****** with the boys after school? I have an appointment and should be done by 5:30. Otherwise I could come to the house and pick them up and take them for dinner.

My reply, short and to the point:
-I cannot bring the boys today, they have clubs after school and then scouts.

Her reply :
-Ok. I know you cannot bring the boys today - but can we meet in ***** tomorrow so that I can get my phone issues sorted out?


My reply:
-your phone is not my business

Detaching and/ or going dark is not about being cold, indifferent and snippy which is how you are coming off above. Think of it as LOVINGLY detaching. You're giving her space because it's what she wants, you are doing this for her. If she reaches out to you then just keeps things calm and businesslike. Work with her on kid visitation and such. If you can't meet then it's perfectly fine to say so, but maybe offer an alternative date/ time that works for you.

If she opens up to you on her illness or anything, then listen and validate. Read Cadet's links on validation, it is arguably the most important tool in your kit.

[jaylove]

That is great advice AnothetStander, thank you so much
I have never suffered from the kind of anxiety that I have developed in the past week, waking every morning at 4am and being unable to sleep with a never ending cycle of thoughts racing through my mind.
I spoke to my wife briefly today over a family admin matter and she became hysterical very quickly and started catastrophising and distorting things I supposedly I have said over the years. She sounded very disturbed I have known her since we were kids and the person I spoke to today bore no resemblance to the woman I love.
She is on all sorts of medication, so I am not surprised, but equally I am really concerned that having spent nearly four weeks in a top psychiatric hospital, she is catastrophising and raging at me.

Ill re read your post over and over as it really does contain good information that is more pertinent to my particular sitch.
Thank you again