Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

Benito,

Thanks for checking in! I appreciate it. I have a question about your sitch that isnt clear in your most recent posts. You mention being depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, but then it is clear that you transitioned to recovering and even augmenting your self-worth. Can you comment any more on how you made that transition? (I wish we had your old threads!)

A little journaling

Driving nearly 12 hours is interesting, as I definitely get into a flow with it. I did the first 6 plus hours basically without stopping. Podcasts about sports, Italian, This American Life, took up the majority of the time, as well as a book on tape. I did spend a good half hour or more at one point in silence. Part of that time I did some light meditation, concentrating on my breathing and the sensations and sights around me. The final two hours I listened to music to break it up. Once again, I got emotional while singing along and listening to music - it seems to draw the emotion out of me. Somehow on my Spotify playlist "Under Pressure" by Freddy Mercury and David Bowie came on not once but twice. Each time I sang along and ended up in tears as I got to the following part

Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
...
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance

Obviously it made me think about W and the failed R. However, the last part also spoke to me - how love forces us to change how we care for ourselves, and how this is our last dance. I'm certainly working on changing how I care for myself. I hope it is motivated by love. Certainly failed love, but hopefully something more than that. Perhaps some deeply buried love for myself.

The past few days have been really nice. In Portland I really got to know a friend in a deep way. We had only casually known each other for 4 months in xxxxxxx before he moved out here, but he was very much a role model for me. At Crater Lake, my friend goes back to my days in xxxxxx as we met before I even knew W, but he visited the two of us a lot in xxxxxxx as he has family there. So, it was a much more established relationship, and someone who knew both W and me very well. In fact, he visited about a month after the separation and was helpful to me then as well. He is a great listener and a compassionate friend. He also encouraged (peer-pressured) me into leaping 15 feet off a rock into the 56 degree water of Crater Lake. I was happy to take that as an opportunity to once again face my fear, in this case of heights and frigid water, head-on. I am proud of myself for the way that I am dealing with those fears rather than avoiding or denying them.

I continue to work on practicing gratitude. I feel very lucky to have been able to spend so much time with good friends over the past few weeks, culminating in the final few days. More than the exotic locales, or the adventures, it is the quality time with these people that I value most and am most grateful for. I have tried to take advantage of the opportunity to really talk honestly and make myself vulnerable to these people that I trust, and the response has been really positive. I hope that I can continue to form stronger bonds when I am back in xxxxxxx, as that is something that has been missing from my life there.