Acc...as always I appreciate your comments and thoughts on my sitch. When you say I'm in the anger cycle of grief I've thought long and hard about that and whether you were right or not. What came to mind immediately was "that's not the right adjective for me", but then again neither are anything of the other stages necessarily right either. I think disillusioned, frustrated and occasionally sad along with amazed is a more accurate mix of where I'm at.
As for my W and her being honest with me before she left, at least at this time from working with the IC, I think I've come to see that W could never actually have told me what she needed. I don't think she has the ability to be vulnerable and really express what she was feeling. Of course then I feel complicit as well in that perhaps she was in her way trying to tell me, but it wasn't in the way that I was able to understand her. Disappointed in both of us that if we were at an impasse in being able to really communicate with each other that we didn't seek help to address that, although her complete loathing and disdain for professional help as a waste of money would have likely prevented us going anyway.
W has few likes and many dislikes, is passionate and sees things only in black and white. I'm a mostly positive guy, more go with the flow and allow for multiple shades of gray. We are opposites, but as happens many times we were able to balance/compliment each other. She is always right, never apologizes and never displays affection such as even a hug to family members. Next week she will be off on another week long trip with one of her GFs. This will be the 3rd consecutive month of her having done so and she already has another one planned for next month. To anyone who hears this, that sounds not normal. Best I can tell it's her constant need to escape reality. Women even without small children are amazed she can so frequently leave our D with me and go off as she does.
Honestly I kinda don't care to think anymore. Every one of my friends/family when they hear about her trips, hating being a mom and the imaginary woman I'm "seeing" they are like "consider this a blessing that you are getting away from her" and in truth they are correct. The fight inside me currently is perhaps more about "what did I see in this woman" more so than what's left to fight for AND good Lord if I could screw up picking this one, what's the chance I don't screw up again? W was NOT like this prior to D's arrival and IC has told me that there was no way I could have foreseen the changes in my W that came about as a result of D. Here again though as an LBH considering the prospect of another go in the future, if I could not have foreseen this one, again what's the chance it happens again?
I go on, I loved her and still want to, but as they say not my circus, not my monkeys.
