Another thing is the cumulative effect of several 2s. Your W voices a complaint and you both read it properly as a 2. So you don't take action. Time goes by and she tries another complaint on another 2. 4 2s in, you now haven't taken action on 4 2s, which with compounding interest add up to a 9! Danger!
If it is really a 2 it shouldn't stack up like that. Obviously we're simplifying a very complicated dynamic. It comes down to whether or not each person's needs are met.
If you're generally satisfied in your relationship and you voice a "2" and the other person doesn't respond, you'll probably blow it off and forget about it.
If you're generally dissatisfied with the relationship and you voice a "2" and the other person doesn't respond, you're going to pile that resentment on top of the latent resentment you're already carrying.
You are entirely correct that if you keep stacking up those 1's and 2's, eventually you'll hit the straw that broke the camel's back and you'll get a bomb day.
Really though, those string of 2's were just stoking a fire that was caused by something else.
"Having your needs met" is also a tricky business. Just like complaints, there are things your spouse *should* do for you, and there are things you *should* be able to do for yourself.
If you take something you should be able to do for yourself, like have healthy self-esteem, and assign your partner responsibility for that, it causes things to start to break down.
i.e. "I need you to tell me you love me and buy me a gift every day so I feel good about myself" may be an unspoken expectation of a low self-esteem spouse.
If the partner fails to deliver, they'll get increasingly resentful and blame the fact that they don't feel good about themselves on their spouse for not meeting their needs.
If an impartial judge was involved, they might be able to right away point out that those expectations are unreasonable, and really the person needs to do the work to feel good about themselves without a daily "I love you" and a gift.
Sadly such judges are in short supply and generally unwelcome. We can do what we can to provide for our spouses' needs, but we need to stop short of becoming emotional caretakers, or codependent crutches in order to maintain healthy boundaries.
Unfortunately this dynamic tends to play out unspoken, and with low self-awareness, which is why we find ourselves here, and why marriage is so difficult!
The majority of the battle is getting emotionally healthy ourselves, and that is firmly within our control.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
