WAW - managing limbo period

[NicoleR]

40free,

I have to admit before I came to this forum I thought only men did these bad things. I had no idea women were capable of doing them as well. What your wife has done is beyond inexcusable. She shouldn't be rewarded with any of those things. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

[40free]

Thanks so much for your support Nicole. It means a lot. You are absolutely right - she shouldn't be rewarded at all, but unfortunately she will get most of what she wants because that's the law. And the law doesn't take emotion or affairs into account at all. As I said, it's an ass..

I am feeling a little better about things today. Detaching, trying not to care what she says or does. My sister is being so supportive too, and is constantly keeping me positive and also giving me insight into the female mind (very helpful, even if it is a bit partisan!). She and I went for a run last night - it was good to get out, and exercise helps me think clearly. It's clear I have a strong family support network and it is helping so much. I am lucky in that respect.

I do really just want this over with so I can move on, but on the other hand don't want her to get anything more than she absolutely has too. We are only just starting the mediation journey unfortunately, so this still has a long way to go. It's the kids I'm worried about. She says she is too - but that's just words. Her actions and the way she is treating me suggest the only thing she cares about is herself.

More updates in the next couple of days.

[AnotherStander]

AnotherStander - just to clarify, what is it you mean by

She's content to keep things in limbo, so if you're not then you're going to have to do all the work.

Do you mean DB'ing? Or something else?

I meant divorce. I may have misunderstood your earlier posts but I thought you were saying you were pushing forward with D in order to get her out of the house? I was just saying that normally we suggest not doing anything to help the D along, but sometimes in extenuating circumstances it's the only reasonable course of action. And I was also saying that in my opinion I don't think pushing forward with D necessarily hurts your chances of a future recon.

Plan B then, if I really can't cope, is to consider moving out myself. I REALLY do not want to do that though. Why the hell should I?? I need to sleep on this, as now it's starting to wind me up.

Exactly, why should you. I told my ex that I wasn't going to stand in her way if she wanted to leave and pursue D, and she said she appreciated it. Then the next day she wanted to know why SHE had to leave, why shouldn't I. I told her I wasn't the one that wanted out of the M, that I was staying put and if she wanted to stay and work on the M that she was welcome to. She chose to leave. I understand you think you need to move out for your own sanity. But ask yourself this, do you think it would be better if you moved out and sat in an apartment somewhere wondering if W was in YOUR bed in YOUR house with OM? Maybe sitting back and toasting glasses of champagne to you being so kind as to give them free reign of the family home and having a nice laugh at your expense? Because those WILL be the kind of thoughts you start having.

[40free]

Thanks AS. Yes you're right - I was pushing to file if I meant moving on with things, and getting her out. I also decided doing so might get the process moving but as I would be the one filing, I would be in control and could pull it any time if, by some miracle, we both felt we wanted to try to recon. As you can see from my posts, I think she is too far gone for that and has been for some time, and her treatment of me through all this has made me feel similar tbh. But I guess you never know.

And thanks for your anecdote regarding you XW moving out. You're right - I absolutely do not want to move out, and won't for all the reasons you state and more. But I also know my W is not going to agree to do so either. I can say to her what you said to your ex, but she'll just say ok, she'll stay and then not work on anything. I'm going to have one more go at getting her to leave, and then I'm just going to have to live with it. And then never forgive her for putting me and the kids through this when we're done.

She and I are supposed to be having a chat this evening. I will remain business like, unemotional and make it clear that if she had any decency she would move out. She won't. But I can only try.

Keep you posted..

[hoosjim]

40free,

I have to admit before I came to this forum I thought only men did these bad things. I had no idea women were capable of doing them as well. What your wife has done is beyond inexcusable. She shouldn't be rewarded with any of those things. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

Nicole, i will probably get stepped on as being some sort of misogyinst by saying this but... From reading these forums, not only are women just as capable of being unfaithful and wayward and all that goes with it, but i would venture to say that, at least based on the sample size here, that the majority of broken marriages seem to involve this "wayward wife" pattern that Sandi2 has identified. Not that women have a corner on that market, certainly, but... it sure seems like the majority of cases on this board follow that pattern. Not sure if it is something cultural/societal (prevalence of social media, ease of cheating, decay of social mores) or something else, but it definitely turned my head as it seems to have turned yours. I always though that men were the bigger "dogs" in terms of cheating.

[SteveLW]

HJ, statistically the majority of all Ds in the US are initiated by Ws. So it isn't just here.

[40free]

All - thanks for your posts. It's been a week since I updated you and actually it's been one heck of a rollercoaster, as seems to be the way with all of our sitches.

So, we had the chat last week as planned. She told me she's not moving out period - it's not in the kids interests (they'll need us both) and its not in hers (once she's out, I have what I want, and will slow roll the D). I told her that I'm not having her stay in the house whilst she is carrying on her relationship with the OM. It's enough. She told me she's not seen him since 19 May. I told her she'll forgive me for not believing her as she is prone to lying, as she lied that day. She nodded, but basically was insistent she wasn't still seeing him. I don't believe her, or at least she might not be seeing him, but is for sure still in contact with him. Anyway, I felt somewhat inclined to move on from that, and accept her word for now. We talked about mediation coming up, and about telling the kids later in the week. It was definitely a clear the air discussion, and the tension in the house palpably reduced the next day.

Then we had our first mediation session last Thursday 6th July - not much happened, as it mostly about process. I told the mediator privately that I was ok to continue to live with my W but this would not hold if she started seeing the OM again as I have had enough of the disrespect. We instead agreed to focus on finances and were set homework to gather up necessary paperwork on income and needs. Next mediation is 23rd July.

All week we had planned to tell the kids about what was happening last Saturday 7th. We had worked together on a script, of who was to say what and how. My W started the drafting and came up was something really lovely and very moving. It stuck in my throat that I was complicit in saying our love for each other had changed, but was doing it for the kids sake. It seemed to me my W was on a mission to get this done, and so I spent the time preparing myself for it, and even agreed to initiate the conversation with the kids as a way of taking control of the discussion. Then Saturday came...

I went for my regular early morning run, was back by 8am. No sign of the W until closer to 10am. Given the enormity of what was about to happen, she was being quite jovial and chatty, making me think this was so what she wanted. But I thought, for the sake of the kids, I would just make 100% certain so I asked her if she was sure - if so, that's fine, but I wanted to check. To my astonishment, she crumpled into a heap.. Tears, self-pity, guilt, the lot. We had a long chat in 'our' bedroom', and it turns out, despite seemingly being on a mission since we decided D was what we were doing, she is still completely torn. I don't think its about me - just about what her selfish desires are doing to us all - the kids, our finances, their future, even the fact that to keep our house, I would need to get a big mortgage. But of course, none of this was because of me and her feelings for me. She called herself a coward, and wondered how come she couldn't just be happy with her life - she had everything, except the one thing that was missing - a spark with me. And she's sure lots of people live like that..

I listened, validated, questioned. No tears from me. No emotion. I played all this back to her, and the fact that there are two of us in this relationship, and the alternative to not telling the kids is staying and working on us, not just doing so to come back and be platonic, as that will never last. And neither of us want that. I suggested we could try with a blank sheet of paper, our previous M is dead, we get counselling together, and see how we do over the next year (we can't break up before as S17 and S15 both have serious exams next summer and we just can't distract them from this). She said what if we can't make it through a year - of course meaning she didn't think she could. I said, well we'd try, and if not, we'd have to be back to limbo again until next summer. She suggested it was her who needed to do the work on how she felt about me, and I had to point out that actually there were a fair amount of issues I had to deal with as well (British understatement) about how I felt about her (trust, hurt, deceit, lack of respect.. etc). She is clearly blinkered on all of that, and so self-centred. The A clearly being brushed off like it's not important in all of this. Such BS but very typical I'm sure. For me, it was good to see there was a human in there somewhere, and not the alien that had taken over my W's body, but still, there was nothing suggesting she wanted to stay for 'me'. Only for everything else.

Eventually we agreed (a) we would try to see our CC this week to get some guidance on how to decide, and if we were to work on us, what that might look like, and (b) we would put off telling the kids until after that session. Maybe we would still tell them later in the week if we really didn't think there was a future.

This morning (Monday), we heard back from the CC that unfortunately she is away all week an unable to see us. Plan A out of the window. The kids are around at home as they have finished school for the summer, so we have not had chance to discuss what Plan B might look like. But we'll need to asap, as we are supposed to be going on vacation next Monday, and the plan was always for me to stay behind after we'd told the kids what was happening.

My view - my W is cross with herself for not being able to pull the trigger at the weekend. She feels no differently really, just finding it hard to be the one driving this destruction. I think with no CC option, she is just going to say let's get on with it. I think that's probably best too and have no hope or expectation that this will have a different outcome. The more I think about it, the more I feel that trying to work on things when she is so far gone (and I am so emotionally scarred by what she has done to me) will just be delaying the inevitable and we'll be back in the same situation in 12 months time, or probably much sooner.

I spent some time over the weekend kind of reflecting on how those next 12 months might be, and wondered if it would be possible to turns things around for us. People do, I know. But I just couldn't see from where we were how that would be possible. She doesn't love me or desire me. I don't trust her. At all. Not a good start.

We may discuss later this evening when the kids are in bed, but I have little expectation of anything other than we decide to tell the kids later this week and going back to the mediation path we were on before. But we'll see.

What are your views on this?

Would you suggest I simply pull the trigger myself? This yes no game is torture.

Or do I be patient, let her stew in her own mess a while, and see if she comes out of the fog long enough to want to work on us?

[hongaku]

What is YOUR heart telling you? Listen to it carefully. I would personally suggest patience, but only you can answer the question of if you will be able to get past the A if she does actually decide she wants to see if a new relationship can be had between the two of you. You sound a little torn yourself. You have to give yourself time to reflect more as well if you are indeed torn, and for that you again would need to be patient.

But, if you can look within yourself and see what YOU want clearly, then you have your answer already.

[Vanilla]

You would know if she had remorse. Your intuition is telling you she hasn't.

Trust your intuition.

You stated your boundary and now you enforce it. Cheaters cheat and Liars Lie.

V

[Vanilla]

Keep restating your boundary, and advise if she says NC with OM and you find out differently you will act.

No R talks it's weak.

Admin yes. R talks no.

WW you know my boundary. You are the cheater and I have discovered you lied to me. It's a long way back from that. NC with OM completely otherwise I find your behaviour disrespectful and I go back to my original stance

There is no negotiating on it

My thoughts

V