You seem to be firmly in an "anger" cycle of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). I just point that out because it is good to be aware of what's driving how you're feeling. These stages are non-linear and you can bounce back and forth between them many times. It is healthy and necessary so by all means embrace it. Nothing wrong with being angry.
Originally Posted By: ballast
Fear of loss will inspire anyone to change. The real issue is communication and HONESTY, you weren't honest with your husband about your needs and didn't really want to give him the a chance at helping fulfill those needs - it's not because he didn't want to or couldn't. You couldn't be honest with him and more importantly yourself about you wanted and you feel now that you are entitled to affairs because of this.
I don't know what this is from, but I see you resenting your wife for not being honest with you about how she was feeling before she dropped the bomb.
I just want you to know that its not that easy. If you have an issue or complaint with your spouse, you can voice that complaint in a number of ways. When they hear a complaint, they can either fully embrace it and resolve it, partially embrace it and resolve it, or not embrace it or resolve it at all.
Often in marriage your spouse will complain about something and you'll misunderstand the severity. You might think it's a "2" in terms of importance but they may feel it's an "8" and don't do a good job of articulating that, or maybe your filter prevents you from agreeing that its a 8 versus a 2. In any case, this happens every day, all the time.
Once the wheels fall off the bus, the LBS often looks back on this and says "if only W had told me it as an 8 versus a 2, I would have taken action on that!" In reality, they only bear half the responsibility for that, but even if you had responded to it and addressed it, chances are something else would have risen up to take its place and you'd still be in the same scenario.
Some complaints are just completely irrational and can't be responded to -- i.e. "you should make a billion dollars a year so I can buy what I want" is likely something that no one would be able to respond to and resolve. Same thing with "you should have a higher sex drive". How does anyone take action on that? All they can do is fake it unless there's a medical issue.
So let's put marital complaints into three categories:
1) Complaints your spouse can (and should) resolve
2) Complaints that aren't valid or reasonable, or are more about you than about them. Those really shouldn't be resolved by them.
3) Complaints that your spouse is not capable of resolving
Of these three categories of complaints, I believe its really the second and third that lead to relationships falling apart, but number one gets the majority of the blame -- its a red herring.
If you get frustrated because you don't think your spouse is smart enough, motivated enough, has a high enough sex drive, makes enough money etc. those are complaints that you KNOW your spouse simply lacks the capacity to address.
If you have that kind of complaint, do you voice it? What would be the point? It would just come across as hurtful and they're not going to be able to fix it.
Couple that with the fact that the person knew these things about you when they got together with you, and they probably feel guilty about asking you to change anything because they knew what they were getting in to.
The point is, the issues that lead to the downfall of a relationship often aren't as easy as "you should have told me". That's a surface issue and a red herring.
The challenge for you is to embrace that you may never know exactly what happened with W. She may never know what happened either, and you need to accept that on face value. Some things can't be explained.
You're right that this can create tremendous anxiety because you can't guarantee that it won't happen again.
So what can you do? First, figure out how to be okay not being in a relationship. If you do that, you don't *need* the relationship, you're there because you want to be. Secondly, figure out how to "bring it" and be a partner only a fool would leave. If you do that, and you know you're bringing it, then if they leave you it is their loss and you know that, and don't have any regrets.
You can get there, and you'll be fine.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
