Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

I appreciate the input and am handling that part. I am giving her until tomorrow and then will ask her decision on the contest win.

Nothing marital related happened this weekend.

Just a big blow up with my D yesterday and myself and she again said some very hurtful things to me. She is struggling and I am struggling with how to handle it. She is blaming me for everything in her life and I know she is just a kid. I laid awake all night thinking of my baby girl having such a hard time. I just want to hold her and protect her, but she feels she needs protected from me! That I am the bad guy. She, unfortunately, has heard my W and I argue when we were really going at it so she uses some of the same words my W used during those against me as well. She is a great kid and has no idea that how bad she thinks her life is right now, how it will very much change in the future. She has already sworn that she doesn't want to spend any time with me, that she doesn't like me, etc. etc. and stuff. Yesterday, unfortunately, she used the hate word. Stings like a blade through the heart. W did stand beside me, didn't say much, but was shocked at how she was speaking to me. She said a few words to her later by themselves. We (meaning I did and W supported) took some priveledges away from her due to her actions.

Prior to that, it was a calm, decent several days. After, you could feel the tension from my W huge. I am just afraid that W will see this as a sign she needs to move the D forward. We spoke for a bit about how our D is having a tough time, that she is just a kid, and we both want to support her in every way that we can. Unfortunately, as a parent, sometimes that is saying "no" and/or not allowing certain behaviors to happen. Most of the time that falls on me so I am the bad guy. I am not a perfect father. I was angry from the financial collapse for a few years. I own that. I believe that for awhile I was changed and I did take it out on those whom I love deeply. This is not about me at this point, just giving you the information so you know a little more. I wasn't there for them as much as I should have been. I was reeling from losing everything, starting over, and very much worried about paying for rent, food, utilities, etc. Things she doesn't and shouldn't have to worry about yet. We are still tight on money so she can't do everything she wants. She knows Mom doesn't work, so she always asks me for money. W encourages this as she says "you have to ask your Dad, I don't have any money". So then I have to say "no". Not fair I know, but W is in the same boat. Why doesn't W get a job and help? Good question and I don't know.

Outside of making sure all the bills are paid, there is very little money in our joint account. I feel it prudent to remain that way just to be safe. I am not "rolling in cash" by any stretch of the imagination. I am doing all I can to recover and move everything to a better place, hence looking for a better job. ALL of this D talk puts a huge strain on my productivity as it is hard to shut off the feelings no matter where I am. I am working on this part though.

I believe W may see the financial woes, the financial collapse, and the fact that I did everything wrong in the beginning of this several months ago and still sees me as weak. I don't know how to change that in her mind. I can only do what I can do. Get on better footing and make a better living. Tough to do when you aren't a team. I sacrificed a lot of my time with my kids to try and provide a good life for all of us. I also picked up more and more as my W went through her health struggles to make sure we were ok as well. One example would be during one of her surgeries, my S was still fairly little 18 mos I think and D was 4. W had a surgery and recovery was 8-10 weeks. During this time she wasn't medically allowed to pick up our children. Our business was in another state, so I did have to travel 3 of those weeks. I hired a live in nanny during that time to make sure everyone was taken care of. In my day, never heard of!

My teenage daughter is spoiled. I don't fault her for how she feels. I just don't know what to do about it. If it takes her to hate me to grow into the person she needs to be, I am fine with that. This is not about me, it is all about our children. Looking up counselors this morning to try to get her in asap.

Worst part, if she thinks it is bad now, I unfortunately don't see it getting any better if my W and I D. When I was litte, a dozen donuts from Dunkin or a bucket of the Colonel's chicken was a very rare and a total luxury item! With today's Iphones, netflix, and immediate gratification lifestyle, those things they presently enjoy I believe will decrease very rapidly. This may turn out to be a good thing for them and teach them a little more about the world. I don't wish this upon them and will do all I can to protect them moving forward. W didn't sleep last night and got up at 4. Don't know if it health or stress related. Time will tell and today should be interesting as I feel something will happen from her.