It all seems to fit that there's at least some woman (or man) out there that your husband would like to pursue in that other city. It won't help you to care, but it does indicate if the relationship your husband hopes to pursue doesn't work out then I bet he'll come back.
My husband is only 37 and fits the criteria for a mid-life crisis. I don't think it's strictly age related.
Arsh, one other thing - when my husband asked for an immediate divorce in January and I asked him why it had to be right away he said it's because he "doesn't want me to have any hope." Then he whisked his girlfriend away to Dubai presumably to celebrate. Such an urgency to divorce right away could be a sign that your husband has someone else. Eventually you'll likely find out if it's anything serious. I remember you saying you and your husband have been together for a long time. Your husband might be like mine, believing he missed out on the dating scene when he was younger and wanting to have fun. It's not by chance these guys become this way after we have kids. We're too busy and exhausted tending to the children to focus on our husband's needs and we can't give them the fun carefree life that a single younger woman could offer. Suddenly they're faced with a dilemma. Why should I stay in his oppressive burdensome marriage with a boring tired nagging wife when I can have this sparkling young, single, gorgeous girl who has all the time in the world to make herself look good and shower me with attention? The temptation is so great to break free. It seems many MLC issues revolve around this dilemma as well. The miserable life you have now verses the perfect fantasy life you deserve. And yes, based on what I've observed, there appear to be an unlimited supply of women who could care less if a man is married with young kids. In fact it seems to be very common. And that makes it even more tempting for men like your husband - they can find another woman and they don't need to commit. They can date, sleep with other woman, do whatever they want because such women make it easy. In American / Western culture you can have a one-night stand, casually sleep together, or date for a long time without getting married and this is all fine.
In any case I've been thinking about your situation and I just don't think it's anything that you've done wrong and I doubt anything will stop your husband until he gets what he wants and discovers it's not so great. Then he should be back. You should feel confident about that if you suspect an affair. Even my husband was living his fantasy life several times now with his girlfriends and the relationships didn't work out - nothing can be that perfect forever. Once they figure that out then suddenly you and your daughters and a warm, cozy home will start to look much better again.
I believe in wayward behaviour and arsehole stuff. These are provable.
MLC seems to me to be an excuse to think this awful behaviour is a disease of the mind and look if you wait it out long enough, possibly decades even then they (The MLCers) will magically come out of it!
No they are arseholes, Miss Haversham.
That area of the board is truly crazy. I don't go in there unless I have full mental armour on. And my sitch was one of the craziest here bar none. The G was a nut par excellence, an abusive nut. Not a sweet guy trapped in his fog, waiting to emerge.
MLC is abusive behaviour not mental illness. Those that do best in an abusive situation accept that they have been the target of an abuser and work to heal. Why hang on waiting for a wayward to heal spontaneously?
So if there is true remorse and atoning that is great, but in the meanwhile DB will help you heal your life, set boundaries, be a better partner. Stronger and more attractive.
In the end I believe that the LBS is the one who says enough, they have become such amazing peeps that the wayward is no longer attractive in any way.
I am here to say, stand up for yourself it is the most attractive thing you can do. Don't let the wayward take all the family resources to spend on their waywardism. The more of it you have the better you can live your life. And the more reality bites for the wayward. It is the most loving thing you can do to encourage that realisation that they are abusive and to atone.
Those with personality issues won't ever wake up. They have a deep problem with their charachter. That takes enormous work, cluster B personalities get WORSE with time and by their very natures won't become great people. They are disordered not diseased.
Be strong.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Arsh, one other thing - when my husband asked for an immediate divorce in January and I asked him why it had to be right away he said it's because he "doesn't want me to have any hope."
How kind of him, he is right. Believe his brutal words. What mindset says I can abandon my family completely? What type of person does that? Not a kind loving one who wants out of an M but does so with sensitivity.
Then he whisked his girlfriend away to Dubai presumably to celebrate.
He used marital resources to get his man parts wet.
Such an urgency to divorce right away could be a sign that your husband has someone else.
Or something like wanting to screw around.
Eventually you'll likely find out if it's anything serious. I remember you saying you and your husband have been together for a long time.
Who says an OW has to be serious. It's seriously arsehole to behave like this in the first place.
Your husband might be like mine, believing he missed out on the dating scene when he was younger and wanting to have fun. It's not by chance these guys become this way after we have kids. We're too busy and exhausted tending to the children to focus on our husband's needs and we can't give them the fun carefree life that a single younger woman could offer. Suddenly they're faced with a dilemma.
You are mind reading and projecting. The abuser has no dilemma at all, they are enjoying themselves. Make no mistake this is no dilemma. There is no moral discussion by the wayward in their head. This woman will drop her knickers, yes or no is as deep as it goes. STDs? Don't care!
Why should I stay in his oppressive burdensome marriage with a boring tired nagging wife when I can have this sparkling young, single, gorgeous girl who has all the time in the world to make herself look good and shower me with attention?
Why assume this? It's your script. It's knickers down and get laid. It's that sophisticated. It's aren't I a great player. The woman has open legs that's enough.
The temptation is so great to break free.
They have been free to dip their wick.
It seems many MLC issues revolve around this dilemma as well. The miserable life you have now verses the perfect fantasy life you deserve. And yes, based on what I've observed, there appear to be an unlimited supply of women who could care less if a man is married with young kids. In fact it seems to be very common. And that makes it even more tempting for men like your husband - they can find another woman and they don't need to commit. They can date, sleep with other woman, do whatever they want because such women make it easy. In American / Western culture you can have a one-night stand, casually sleep together, or date for a long time without getting married and this is all fine.
Waywards seek waywards. There are hundreds of men and women out there who can't really connect and be truly find intimacy. If they find each other then that's all good.
In any case I've been thinking about your situation and I just don't think it's anything that you've done wrong and I doubt anything will stop your husband until he gets what he wants and discovers it's not so great.
That's You projecting. For the wayward it is great. They love it.
Then he should be back.
largely to get more resources.
You should feel confident about that if you suspect an affair.
Don't dignify this an an A. It's out and out wild abusive behaviour. It isn't even good enough to be scummy. This isn't limmerence with cutie pie no knickers, it's a love affair with his own man parts.
Even my husband was living his fantasy life several times now with his girlfriends and the relationships didn't work out - nothing can be that perfect forever.
They aren't after a perfect new R! They are after dipping their wick over and over.
Once they figure that out then suddenly you and your daughters and a warm, cozy home will start to look much better again.
Never seen that in an abuser. You are projecting because that is what you want of him. They only seem to come back to start the cycle again. Get on with your life and build for yourself. Character disorders don't spontaneously change to loving faithful spouses. The more the wayward behaviour the less likely.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, you're an honorary New Yorker for your sense of humor and telling it like it is! I have no doubt about the truth behind a man's reasons for doing these things as you suggest. Perhaps the context around my comments is framed a certain way because my husband is Middle Eastern and Arsh's husband is South Asian. In both societies men don't have free, open, and easy access to any woman they want such as they do here in the West. So they often immigrate as very innocent men and become 'corrupted' in our free societies. Divorce is so easy here and so normal compared to where they're from. So I think they're doing as you suggest but with a guiltier conscience than someone who was born in the West. At some point I think they get burned one too many times by their behavior. They have to face people from their own culture who they respect - their families, elders, colleagues, etc.. and they feel ashamed. I think eventually they start to see their home and family as a nicer place again. It's hard to tell if I'm projecting or basing this on reality since my own marriage is unresolved. I'm not suggesting that Arsh and her husband will get back together and have a happy perfect life again, just that he may try to come back. Coming back, as I learned well, doesn't mean the marriage can be fixed, just that the husband realizes what he had wasn't so bad after all.
I do have questions about how you use the word "abuser." If someone suddenly starts acting-out-of-character demonstrating abusive behavior but they'd never been like that before, does that mean they've always been an abuser, are an abuser now, and will always be an abuser according to your definition? After going through five counselors and psychologists no one has ever diagnosed my husband as an abuser even after hearing more details than what I've shared on this forum. I can think of many terms that fit well for my husband - wayward, immature, broken, cheater, player, indifferent, etc.. but I thought abuse refers to a specific set of behavior that includes intent to control and cause physical and emotional harm. My mother was guilty of this but my husband has been a very benign and gentle person until January when he suddenly lashed out and became a monster but even that manifestation has slowly died down. So I hesitate to call myself an abuse victim or my husband an abuser but perhaps all of the clinicians I've seen missed it. I'll let Arsh speak for herself and her husband but I do wonder if the cyclical abuse cycle is what we're dealing with or if it's a different phenomenon. It sounds like you use abuse as a general term so perhaps all the wayward and walkaway spouses here on this forum are abusers in some form but when the counselors and clinicians we see in real life don't make that diagnosis then it's hard to know which term to use!
Nicole and V, as always thanks for you inputs, it is much appreciated WAH has had a complete change in personality in the last 6 months, the 15 years we have been together I can count on my fingers the number of times he has even raised his voice against me let alone say anything remotely as hurtful. The flaw in his personality is I think that he bottled up everything for this long and once BD was done even the smallest of incidents was my fault. His behavior now is unpardonable and unacceptable, but had he been like this I would not have stayed married for this long let alone have children with him. It is very uncharacteristic and is not a reflection of his other self. I refrained from saying his true self because I have come to believe what I have now in the present is the truth, the past may have been different, the future unknown but in the present he is toxic. My 180 of being patient was not supposed to turn me spineless, I failed to enforce boundaries and let him push, this was aiding his behavior. While he is certainly not a delight right now, I do not think abuse is inherent to him or rather was not in the past and I should be stronger to say that I will not stand for irrational behavior and I am putting in the work to get there. I am thankful that this forum is giving me the insight and tools to handle this unknown devil
Abuse is as abuse does. Someone who abuses others, their trust, resources, and inflicts emotional pain abuses. Someone who puts another's sexual health at risk is a physical abuser. It's the behaviour.
I don't believe in victimhood I believe in Targets.
And it's what someone is now today that creates this. There is no excuse at all.
I can sense excuses, the new culture made me do it. These wicked western ways corrupted me. Poor me because I can't help myself with all the temptation. It's like a sweet shop all these women with open thighs. How can I resist and if my W complains then she doesn't understand me. Tommy rot. It's no accidental dropping of the trousers, it's organised. They like it and then repeat it. Just to see if they can.
It is nonsense and excuses. And it's abuse. That nice man is weak.
And I do not believe in MLC, it's a big let them off the hook excuse, they got fog in their brains. No they haven't they have trouser snakes with a mind of their own.
If an honorary New Yorker can be a straight talking English woman, that's moi. I confess I have no truck with any cheater pants with scrambled eggs for brains. They are stupid sparkly pond scum. Glitter balls.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, so you're saying all cheaters are abusers. I agree there are no excuses for weak moral character although there are precipitating factors or opportunities that may bring out such behavior whereas the rest of the time it's repressed or not observable. I haven't really thought of cheating as abuse until reading your threads on this forum but it makes sense.
Arsh, that sounds right to say your husband bottled up resentment for a long time and then it all came spilling out after BD.
No I am not saying all cheaters are abusers neither am I saying all abusers cheat.
It is the way it's done.
Some cheaters use protection for instance and stop sleeping with their spouses. They get out of their R with minimum dram and blame. They also make sure there is a fair deal and children are an care of. They also stay great parents and don't play games. They want out, an A isn't the way to do it though.
It is still scummy and rotten but it's lower on the abuse scale.
Abusers particularly those who sleep with unsuspecting spouses, lie, spent family resources on porn, gambling, drinking etc. Who lie and blame the LBS for this are abusive. Who want all the resources and will manipulate to get it are abusive.
They get their kicks from cheating, some multiple times.
There is a special place in hell for those who do this to pregnant and breast feeding women and those grieving or seriously ill. And also on special days, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals days of major ops and of course Valentine's day. It's horrid and they know you will remember the day thereafter.
This is very nasty stuff.
I have heard horrid nasty on here, such as I wish our children had not been born, this isn't your child anyway or it's not my child, I am calling the police to get you evicted and I will accuse you of hitting me, I want everything, I hate you always. We should have aborted.
All of this is abuse and Of course the LBS made them do it.
It's nonsense.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
His father mother best friend etc died (even grandma or a dog ....
The LBS got ill
There is a poisonous best friend
Lost their job
Got promoted, demoted, new boss
Had money, lost money, or an inheritance
Got tempted (duh!)
It was the OP who chased
I was depressed and I needed it
Oh and the favourite:
It's the LBS they aren't perfect, they got a muffin top, they cook the wrong pasta, they are breast feeding, got cervical cancer or prostate cancer.....
That's why my circumstances make me a special snowflake and exempt from good behaviour. After all I need my religion and elders to keep me in line because I can't do it for myself.
Bunkum.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
