My wife's midlife crisis

[ciluzen]

I'm sorry...again. If you had read my posts from 2015 (has it really been that long?) you would see that I was right where you all are at this point. My husband and I had been married for 25 years and were the "perfect couple". He was loving and kind, fun and very well thought of by most everyone who knew him. His behavior then started to change...drastically. There was another woman involved, too. He hit replay...hard.He had all of the signs of MLC.

This was all written about extensively over the time that I've been here. I don't post nearly as much now...I've "gotten a life" as we say. But I'm still considering myself a stander. I still have contact with my XH. And I'm going into a field where I am blessed to be able to learn more and more about these types of issues and work with couples that are going through this very thing every day...AND have to confront my own beliefs and issues in ery dramatic ways. Although I learned a lot from these forums since my XH left, I've learned 10 times as much since.

I was not speaking of just "a normal marriage in crisis". MLC is
about a PERSON who is in crisis, but a person in crisis who feels they are unable to either communicate, trust, or be safely heard becomes one half of a relationship in crisis. Those factors listed above are often what causes the MLCer to give up, fight, or leave...to appear to "fracture" as has been said.

MarvinF, you are right. Leaving them alone is the right thing to do...unless they reach out to you. Validating their feelings is mentioned often by MWD and is necessary for the person in crisis.

Gerda, I did not mention having R talks with an MLCer. I was merely saying that since Faceman's wife feels comfortable speaking to him, it is a form of "active listening" to show you are listening by asking clarifying questions having to do with what they are speaking of and helping them to feel more comfortable and welcome to express themselves more. I'm sorry if your H is often borderline abusive; it is fine to put up boundaries if that is happenning but as hard as it is, not giving a reaction of anger and maybe even validating that you hear they are angry is often a way of diffusing the situation. Sometimes labeling something that is obvious to you will make someone realize what they don't totally see in themselves. Often the MLCer feels unheard for whatever reason and a lot of the time, the "wierd" behavior is just contempt born of giving up. It is something that often has to build up over years, often with depression added in to the mix along with feeling unappreciated whether we believe it is justified or not.

Faceman, no; you're wife is not the woman you married. She's older, the relationship is not as shiny and there is everyday stress and the thought of a future and what that might look like if there is no change from what she perceives is intolerable. Saying she has changed and its not you is a way of trying to make herself feel less guilty about a selfish but desperate decision. Textbook MLC. My own children and people who have worked with XH have been astounded by his actions...which started with weght loss, new hair style, new younger wardrobe and music tastes, and an obsession with various supplements back as early as 2009. He became the "party guy" and my daughters' "hot dad". He has calmed down some now. He has started to reach out to me a bit, at which point I try to be welcoming, although I still give him his space. I don't wait around for him to call, now, but we have talked. Some of the things he has said point to him starting to really do some deep thinking and work on himself. Our D was final over 2 years ago and I know he's still "baking".

This is a process, I do understand. My point is that by labeling them as the broken one, they are right.They are not understood or heard. We are only seeing a small part of a problem that has two owners and will take two people to fix. We just have to work on us and leave them to work on them. But like a child that comes to you with a problem they want to solve on their own, we need to validate their feelings, help them to process their thoughts by listening and asking questions to deepen their thoughts, and let them come to their own conclusions and solutions.

It is a long process, and Faceman...there are so many resources to help out there. GAL helps to not only distract but help you find a purpose and some growth opportunities in this situation. They are there when you dig down and look.