Patience & DB / Detach or Divorce

[Loves77]

It's sad, bc being the Person that is there all the time should win. That's what i have been doing. But sadly, they tend to look at it as weak. Smh.

[Davide]

Did,

I agree with Love, that it seems like you are still right there for her (trust me, I struggle in this as well!) and she knows it. I would take D to the beach without inviting her. She is talking to OM. I wouldnt be doing anything with her so long as that is going on.

In terms of seeing other women, that seems pretty fraught. From what you write it doesnt seem like you have completely emotionally detached from this relationship. Doesnt that need to be a first step before starting a new one?

Hang in there. We are pulling for you.

[Did]

I am not emotionally detached from W yet. I just dont know what to do. I want to see whats out there in the new area I moved to. I will not invite W to beach. If she expresses interest I guess she can be included but I doubt she will.

I will try to pull further away- not be always available so she can miss me.

I want to ask her for help also. For example we eat a vegan diet which can be difficult. I have camp this week and get pizza for the kids. Would be a lot easier to ask W to drop me lunch since she is ten min from camp and there is a playground for D3 to play at. I guess I just need to handle everything on my own. Even though I pay for her life not have any expectations or expect anything in return.

Took D3 to team pool party after tournament today. Mentioned I was starving expected W to include me in dinner but didnt ask... should of just said hey can you make me dinner too... we always have had miscommunication from assumption. Need to continue to work on communication and asking to get my needs met (NMMNG). Fun time for D3 but I am spent... heading into camp week just feeling ground down. Still more work to do tonight.

No effort to expend on W and DB or whatever. One more week then my coaching season ends. Have to do a lot of planning for next year but much more free time.

In terms of dating- Something new sounds appealing with a woman that can add value, fun, excitement, strong, independant, rather than being such a drag. Anxiety, broken, fragile, secrets, hiding phone, financially, cant talk about many things, no physical contact / intimacy, feel like Im kind of torturing myself at this point. I want W back in a way she can not be at this point...

[Loves77]

Dear Did,

You are killing me! Haha. I say this light heartedly. I really get thrown when you talk about dating other women. I understand it, in a way bc when I get mad I say the same. But I quickly take that back. I'm not sure if you really understand how bad that could go for you. If I were your wife, and I found out, I would be completely devastated. That's just me though. I think I read that she had an affair last year? I'll wait for your answer before I comment.

I don't get how one night you are wondering if you should respond to her good night text, yet the next day are telling us you would like to date a better suited woman. I feel like you really should decide what you want.

[Did]

WE have both dated others. I had a rebound thing and have had 2 short lived relationships but havent dated in 4 months or so. As I saw I was not ready and not over her. Telling W I would choose her over anyone while dating... idiotic.

She had an A where it got as serious as humanly possible. At first she said she was friends with this guy - her ex from HS was helping him with business etc. I knew as soon as she was talking to him she would sleep with him. She lied... I saw her phone after 2-3 months of separation, naked pics, sexting really graphic stuff. I thought she was trying to get pregnant it was insane and we had our only physical altercation as she attacked me to get my phone and in the process hurt herself as I blocked her attacks etc... D3 watched. This was 10 months ago or so. I was devastated had serious anxiety not sleeping got on sleeping meds, lot of therapy etc. She told me to get on dating sites... FML

Then she broke it off and came back to me in a terrible state. I made the HUGE mistake of letting her back in. Wish I had been on the DB path then...

Then she dated someone else and was into him. Hes unavailable has 10 year old who is his priorty is never free etc they are friends she says and havent hooked up in 6 months or something. But they got dinner for her birthday and still talk. That is OM I mention currently... he is about 8 years older and went through a D a while back. He looks somewhat like me and has dated other married women in the past. Hes a cop.. sounds like a doucheb*g to me. Affair down, right?

So we have both had partners. I really am torn on what I want except I know I want my family and daughter. That is the hardest part because those arent the same as my marriage... I want my W if she is the woman I love and married able to be a partner equal able to grow with me etc. But shes not even close- wants to watch a movie because she gets anxiety when things are serious. IT makes me feel fed up and just think yea I screwed up and was a jerk at times but you suck at this point... she wont do the work to get there... see a therapist or do anything except read, alone time, heal on her own etc.

Strapped for time with work, sorry for typos. Thanks for caring... at least someone does ha.

[Loves77]

Ok. That makes much more sense then. I always advise no dating. I'm still inclined to say that to you. It seems odd to start a relationship with another if trying to fix a marriage. But I do understand the loneliness. But don't forget that you are still married.

Even if you decide to leave the marriage I would caution dating for a bit. Heal up prior.

[mtb1981]

I want to ask her for help also. For example we eat a vegan diet which can be difficult. I have camp this week and get pizza for the kids. Would be a lot easier to ask W to drop me lunch since she is ten min from camp and there is a playground for D3 to play at. I guess I just need to handle everything on my own. Even though I pay for her life not have any expectations or expect anything in return.

Took D3 to team pool party after tournament today. Mentioned I was starving expected W to include me in dinner but didnt ask... should of just said hey can you make me dinner too... we always have had miscommunication from assumption. Need to continue to work on communication and asking to get my needs met (NMMNG). Fun time for D3 but I am spent... heading into camp week just feeling ground down. Still more work to do tonight.

You definitely do not need to be asking your W for any "help" right now. Pack your own lunch and make your own dinner. That is pursuit in my opinion. Besides, you need to be focusing on living your life without her. Focus more on what you can do for yourself, not what she could possibly do for you. I can guarantee you that 1 of 2 things will happen in the future. You will either save your marriage or end up divorced. If it's the latter, you will be much better off being independent and focusing on yourself now. It will make the whole process easier bevause you are already where you need to be. If it's the former, it will most likely be because you focused on yourself, became independent, and became a man only a fool would leave...

[Did]

W and I talked for 10 min on the phone tonight. Just about daughter and life in general. First time since separation.

She again asked to get a drink once my work schedule calms down. I mentioned to her 7/21 date when there is parent night out at our local YMCA and they watch the kids.

Question on my mind for anyone who knows anyone who has R after a long separation or DB... how do you make a move, like sexually or kiss or whatever. We are supposed to not pursue but once in the situation is it ok to make the first move? She always liked me taking the lead sexually and initiating.

I think that if we get to that point the sexual chemistry and attraction may take over. Instead of romantic hugs and I miss you's where it's all in the mind. I dont think either of us have been with a partner in quite a long time.

Im kind of embarrassed to still be open to taking her back. Everyone that knows me is like NOOOO... I guess have to slow play it and we have to earn each others trust back. I should have let her move out and get her own place a year ago. Since she has been in her own place and out of her parents she seems a lot better. She says a lot of the anxiety was concern for daughter in bad living situation.

I have hoped to be getting to this position and now Im unsure... Patience... DB / LRT when she starts coming to you reading it over and over.

[NicoleR]

Did, I'm not sure about the answer to your question because I haven't been in that situation but it's great that you're getting closer towards reconciliation. It's been a long journey for you and it sounds like your wife has a lot of her own challenges to overcome, but it sounds like there's now a glimmer of hope. I hope you'll find exactly the right resources and advice to navigate the next steps to allow for the best possible outcome. If you have a young daughter then it'd be wonderful for your daughter to have her parents back together again if that's still possible.

[Davide]

Did,

It's great that you are talking, but it seems like you are already putting expectations on this meeting. That seems unhealthy at this early stage. Just get together with her, without expectations, and listen to her. It could be that she is looking to R, but maybe not. It only causes problems to go in expecting something. Slow down and remember that you dont need her, that you are complete as is. If she wants to share time with you, great. But you are in control.