Well Okay, LW, thanks for the update. I'm sure that when contact is so limited, these little interludes are stressful and given too much importance. Especially when one is trying to control the cast of characters.
I'm glad to hear it went off without any real problems. Sounds like your S15 is still very angry and that's okay. When he is ready, he will be willing to accept his mom. I hope you will allow it to happen at his own speed and not try to interfere. For his sake. Sounds like S15 could benefit from some IC. All this measuring with his grades and ability to perform domestic chores is bound to cause distress and more problems.
What about how he is mitigating this pile of poo that has been placed on his lap? Blaming his mother is not the answer, nor is is it constructive.
One thing that stands out is your description of the day's events, besides the extensive details of the day leading up to the appointment, is your description of your W's appearance. You found her looking unflattering and unattractive. Where you surprised? Do you usually notice these things? Some of this may be her and some might be you. I believe that these type of sessions can bring on certain cognitive biases. I remember going to MC early in my sitch and thinking my W looked better than usual. Who knows? Perhaps it was her glow from being in a EA. Still, it was an observation I didn't typically make. I expect that her R with S15 is a very distressful and probably the reason she looked so bad.
I notice that you point out that the T said you are doing a great job. Why, because S15 grades have improved and he makes his bed?
LW, my purpose here is not to tear you down. It is also not to praise your every move either. It is to offer honest objective advice with the purpose of helping you try to resurrect your MR. Parenting is a whole other and personal subject.
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I was nervous about this meeting- I read up on detachment before the meeting and mad sure I cam from a place of listening and validating when necessary - not like in the past where my stance was on defending myself. I felt confident in my words and actions - I looked good and tbh I feel as if my W has lost her attractive ness in many ways. She does not look like she is taking care of herself. I am not sure how I feel now that I think about it. I know this may also change. For those that have given me advice prayers and good wishes - Thank you! What comes next- I'm not sure!
I will say that based on your descriptions of the mechanics of the event, you did a great job of dealing with W.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
OK. No it's not depression. It is because what they are doing isn't giving the results they wanted. It gives results that create enormous stress.
That doesn't mean the actions weren't the underlying need for W. This was something she decided but the situation with S has been a consequence she didn't envisage. It creates stress.
W is stressed not depressed. As a result it's aging her and there is nothing she can do.
I doubt it's a defence of yours, it's an observation and real. She is aging in front of your eyes and it is unlikely to reverse.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I spoke with S and he said he was comfortable with T trying to bridge the gap between him and W
OK. No it's not depression. It is because what they are doing isn't giving the results they wanted. It gives results that create enormous stress.
That doesn't mean the actions weren't the underlying need for W. This was something she decided but the situation with S has been a consequence she didn't envisage. It creates stress.
W is stressed not depressed. As a result it's aging her and there is nothing she can do.
I doubt it's a defence of yours, it's an observation and real. She is aging in front of your eyes and it is unlikely to reverse.
Vanilla can you tell me does this bring back W to want to R? Does it make W more firm in her stance to D? I know you say you cannot guilt a WW/WAW but does the guilt eventually get to them. How do they cope with all this added amount of stree?
Thank you for your explanations.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Vanilla can you tell me does this bring back W to want to R?
it increases stress and confusion. This escalates stress. It increases inertia.
Does it make W more firm in her stance to D?
No idea. Except that it increases confusion and stress. It is more likely to ensure that W is confused and not making any choices.
I know you say you cannot guilt a WW/WAW but does the guilt eventually get to them.
Please do not treat a WAW as a WW. A WW has cognitive dissonance and their body holds the guilt in it. In order to resolve the dissonance they usually blame and put the sense of it outside themselves. You made me drop my knickers for OM because......
A WAW has usually thought about walking away for a long time and knows about guilt. They consider it the price to pay.
How do they cope with all this added amount of stree?
They hold it in and it tells on the body.
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The trouble is that you want this to make W guilty so she will R. Drop that. It's not good. Your son may be the one who suffers if he thinks that is what you want.
You can chose to let go. Guilt isn't going to be good in your sitch. There is enough of it.
Concentrate on you. Drop the can I make W so guilty she will R.
That's controlling and is likely driving W further away.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V thank you for your opinion- it helps me to get a different perspective. A WAW has usually thought about walking away for a long time and knows about guilt. They consider it the price to pay.
My thoughts are that W saw how devastated S was when we talked about separating to him and how it negatively impacted him yet while she was still here she walked around as if it did not matter. He even went to sign a letter to her "From your forgotten Son". I have not spoken bad about my W to my S. And I would not want to guilt her back. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to be with someone that does not value or love me. It sort of hit me after hearing the line in a Whitney Houston song- "Learning to Love Yourself- Is the Greatest Love of All!"
I have done my best to this point to let W go and detach. At this point I think I feel more pity than anything for my W. I am sad that she is not herself- that she is not happy. I am aware that she has chosen this path and that she must venture on this journey alone.
On a better note I had a great day with my S. After doing my morning routine and doing a 2 and a half hour bike ride, Doing a load of laundry, walking the dog and going to church. My next door neighbor won some great baseball tickets and could not go so he offered them to me and my S. We were 10 rows from the field and my son were discussing pitching, strategies, and all nuances thru out the game. Our team lost in extra innings but still it was a good game. S and I went to eat at his favorite burger place after. So good to spend that time with him. My hope here is for S to enjoy this game and his time with dad because he has his own game he has to play tomorrow.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I have done my best to this point to let W go and detach. At this point I think I feel more pity than anything for my W. I am sad that she is not herself- that she is not happy. I am aware that she has chosen this path and that she must venture on this journey alone.
This is not a bad place to be, because everything you said is true. It's where I find myself most days. It's a step in the right direction imo. I also like to remind myself that where I am now is better than I was a couple months ago and not as good as it will be a couple months from now. Just keep on keeping on...
Also, sounds like you and S had an amazing day. Good for you. Baseball games are always fun, burgers are pretty awesome too, and good times with loved ones are priceless...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
LW, the stress vs depression pointed out by V actually throws a lot of light to all our sitches. What we see in the WAS is unrest from within, it is confusion and instability that probably manifests itself in some form of feeling extremely low. It could also be that mentally you have let go more than you realize and your subconscious is registering the flaws in her appearance that you originally would have not noticed when you were attached to her. I am glad that the T with S was sorted out, it was stressing me out to read that it might be negatively impacting your S. Hope your S feels better about how he wants to proceed with his R with his mother. - Arshi
