I don't think CMM is quite like your wife Andrew. No blank spots and he has answered all my questions quite openly. He speaks fondly of times in his life when he had a more active social life - for example, in the 90's when they lived on a street with other families in Texas and everyone on the block threw block parties, attended everyone's kids parties etc.
He has also given concrete examples of ways his wife scotched social things in the past. For instance, when he worked at Qualcomm, his boss gave him and another couple tickets every year to a black tie charity ball. After 3 or 4 years his wife just refused to attend - no explanation, just refused.
Also her drunkenness seemed to cause the end of some couple friendships.
None of this negates the fact that he has let friendships slip since the divorce, but does explain how the marital dysfunction may have limited his social life somewhat.
Another clarification I got too - he has said before his wife wasn't very maternal and had kind of checked out. Yesterday I learned that she worked briefly at a preschool when they were first together and complained bitterly about the kids. Later when their first child was born she was upset because that daughter was darker skinned (he's half black) and Texans would ask her if that was her baby (a complaint I've heard from my other interracial couple friends, but he feels her discomfort with that started her unhappiness in the marriage).
Also he revealed that she stayed out all night on occasion with various "girlfriends " . He didn't bother to ask her about it - I think he just didn't want to know she was cheating on him because he was so invested in keeping the family together. He's already admitted a couple of times he's conflict Avoidant - but reveals now that any conflict with her involved her yelling and throwing things.
All things considered, I can see how he ended up where he is. I just need him not to be completely dependent on ME for a social life, and I'd like to meet some of his old friends just to get a sense that there's no skeletons in the closet.
Having said all that - he's sweet, he's kind ( the kind of guy who hops off the tram to help a woman who's having trouble up the step), he's not homophobic, (I have a trans son so that's important to me), he's smart. He' also thinks I'm the bees knees. All good things.
