Is there hope? Part 2

[Rita]

My screen was still on your post when I woke up this morning so I will send a quick answer!

Why are you negotiating about kids? Is this a legal separation? You need a mediator to do that, it's too volatile for you to discuss and nothing will ever seem fair -- it's the King Solomon story -- or your saw with the sofa. If she really cared about the kids, she would stay and work it out with you and not choose to have an affair.

Of course you don't want to be with her right now. She is not her. Let her go, don't answer her. You can only be with her when she gets through this, if you decide to wait. If she says hurtful things to you, just walk away without explanation. You are obsessing over everything she says/does, it is going to make you crazy. We've all been there, I get it, I have been totally obsessed and still get that way sometimes but I did manage to stop interacting with him most of the time so at least he doesn't know that I think about what he does/says. Don't worry, you will get to a point where you don't do that anymore. But just for now try practicing not answering even if your mind is still racing. If she tells you you aren't a good cook, just don't answer, just keep doing the dishes or whatever you were doing, or take it lightly, like a teenager is talking to you, e.g., "I'm sorry you feel that way. I do really like the way I do baked potatoes," or something like that. If she tells you she doesn't like who you are now, you could say, "I hear you, I'm sorry you feel that way," or just don't answer. If she says you are getting your own way, same thing, but you could say, it is a really hard situation and not what I want for me or you or the kids. Let's figure this out with a mediator so emotions don't get in the way of what's best for the kids.

Just putting that out there because I know I get so confused in the moment that I say what I don't want to say. Maybe it will help you to see other possibilities here even if you don't use them. DnJ and Gordie both suggested responses to me that I thought about and then actually used in the moment when I wanted to say something else but was able to remember and instead step back and use responses more like what they had suggested.

Either way -- Stop worrying so much and stop thinking so much about what she does/says and stop responding to her! I have to pray a lot to ask God to remove those thoughts from my head but I remember that the DB coach I talked to years back gave me some techniques for that that were secular and that worked for me a little too.

Thank about it -- Do you actually think your kids prefer a pool to you?! They might like a pool but come on! They love their dad!!!! My H is HORRIBLE to my kids and they are still desperate to see him and hang out with him. You are wonderful to your kids, and they are going to hate being apart from you, they will want to see you all the time. Your kids want an intact family, and if they can't have that, they want to see you as much as possible with as little discussion about it as possible. They will not like having to be at two houses, there is nothing you can do about that but keep assuring them that your preference is to have the family together and that you will always be there for them, anytime of day or night. I am very open with my kids and tell them I am always praying for their dad and always waiting for us to have a real family again. You have to walk the fine line between validating their thoughts/feelings (e.g., mom went crazy) and not criticizing her.

Good luck today! Practice kindly silence!