Babe, I love what you wrote here. I always love what you write! What I always feel from your posts is the this huge light that is manifested in your kindness and your patience and your reliance/trust in God. That is how I want to be, and whenever I get close to it, I feel that peace that you seem to radiate even when you are sad.
The other day I was leading the rosary at my church, I had never done that and am a convert and not so used to it, so I was nervous, but in the second decade, I suddenly felt this shift inside me, I felt this flood of peace come over me, I looked up at the parishioners for a moment and I felt this jolt of joy and a PRESENCE, of Mary I guess, that lasted for the rest of the rosary, three decades and all the prayers. Afterwards my friend told me that she looked up at me while I was up there and that my face was totally radiant and glowing and that I looked so beautiful. (Not because I am beautiful personally, I am not but it was something interior).
Something about your post made me remember that moment. Even here where you have a question and some confusion, you radiate some kind of light.
I always wonder the same thing. I am waiting for so long for my H and he seems to have had a second BD and be in some ways worse than ever, very very crazy. Like you I begin to think about what parts of him were just who he always was without my noticing or considering it, and which parts are part of the MLC alien. I am not sure but I did decide that it's too much for me to consider and that I should just rely on God to fix what He wills to fix. Some days I am as patient as you and some I let myself fall into despair and impatience. What bothers me the most is that my son has really unraveled. That is where at times I do question God's will. But if I can trust God, I can be sure that I am the best mother my son could have, and that all I can do is keep loving him and being as much of a light as I can for as long as his dad is in darkness.
What is happening with you and your H these days?
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
