Is there hope? Part 2

[Rita]

Scoobs, I am laughing my arse off about the saw. Yeah, it's not a good DB move but that is funny, especially in our MLC LBS world. I might have to use that one some day in a story.

Listen, Scoobs, STOP beating up on my friend Scoobs! You are so hard on yourself! Your W is destroying your family and going to see another man. No human being could bear that. I don't know how you actually bear it without God helping you along. You must have super human strength.

I totally understand your desire to answer her, to vindicate yourself. We all do it, and when we aren't doing it, we are wanting to do it and biting our tongues hard enough to leave a mark. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THAT.

The thing that you will learn is a confidence in yourself and your choices that will allow you not to answer, not to explain yourself. Because I am a Christian, I have a lot of convenient strategies for this! As just one example, I can remember Christ being silent in front of Pilate or just saying, "So you have said." I remember that and then I am able to be silent. Gordie is a master at active listening and I am learning from him, but mostly I just try to remember that I don't need to justify myself, something that is much easier to do when you are thinking of God knowing your circumstances and knowing how hard you are trying to stay in the light -- but something which you can do probably also just out of your own will based on what you have been doing so far!

But you do need to stop thinking that your W is going to see things clearly. She is not able to see what you see. Think about the fact that she wants to be with some slime bag who is willing to break up a family and destroy three lives in order to be with her -- and the fact that he LIKES who she is right now, when who she is right now is HORRIBLE. This is all the proof you need that there is no point in your trying to explain, justify, convince.

I know that everyone here will say to get what is yours and do what is just and all that as far as separation and D. My take is different. I set my H free and if he is not willing/able to help me with our kids and take the responsibility a man should take, I release him. I can see he is incapable of holding down a real job and that he is incapable of seeing how hard I work and how tired I am, let alone that I am a good mom and wife. So I release him. I ask him for nothing. Can you do that? I mean, if you can afford it -- Can you not expect her to buy food or give you half of X-Mas money? Can you release yourself from the slavery of expecting that she will be fair or kind about financial matters? Because you are suffering a lot in your outrage and disbelief. She is going to suffer no matter what, she is crazy right now. But you don't have to suffer this way. Just pretend you are a single father with no resources expect those that you provide. If the D really happens, let the lawyers deal with the nitty gritty. Until then, her diatribes about money are just one other way she can avoid reality and truth. They mean nothing, you do not have to give them any credence right now.

I will try to paste the e-mail I got from my H this morning. He demands money from me pretty often because I won't sell the house and he doesn't work much. I haven't asked him for a penny towards house, kids, food, car, ANYTHING, for five years. But he still has no money and demands that I give him money and then blocks out the fact that the money is coming from my own bank account, my own salary, and not from our joint account which is our rental units. He keeps saying he is not taking money from me but from what is rightfully his. I have given him all our financial info and even created a spreadsheet showing what is coming in and how I am using most of my salary to pay all the debts/expenses not covered by our rentals. He still sings the same song. Why? Because he is not able to see or understand or face the truth.

I've decided how far I am willing to go to keep my family together, and how much I can stand, and I do that and give the rest to God. I try to not even think about what is fair/right, that is not going to happen right now. When I think of it, I despair. I let myself do that sometimes, mostly in prayer, when I can give it quickly to God after a good long cry.