Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt 4

[LoneWlf]

Thanks for being brutally honest RR.

[arsh18]

LW I know you have really tried to understand why or how WW can be so far apart from your S and does she not as a mother want to be more involved. At some level this facilitating of contact between them could be your attempt of ensuring they have a good relation no matter what the outcome of the MR. While I agree it is honorable, I think your S is old enough to decide when to forgive his mother and bond with her again. If WW is not ready to give the depth of love your S should be given, it might cause more harm. So let them figure out the time and path for their own reconciliation. As always your S knows you are his rock.

[HelenaJ]

If it were me, I would insist that S text her.
If he wants to reject her attempts he needs to do so himself and not ask you to do it for him.
And I would not allow him to ignore texts either insisting that he either accept or decline, bc she is Mom and you dont ignore.
In doing so, it may soften him a little bc rejection is harder to do yourself than when someone else does it for you. My thoughts.
I hope youre we ll today, you sounded a little defeated, I know youre trying to do what s best and honestly I dont see you as controlling, just confused about what your role should be and thats understandable.

[LoneWlf]

S85,RR, Rose, Arsh, Helena,- Thank you for your honest opinions. It gives me alot of different viewpoints and alot of things to think about. I had 3 initial interviews this week. I would say 2 went well. One was a job fair- not well planned or organized. I followed up on an interview last week and they said they have yet to make up their minds.
I made plans with S to go to the beach with the dog tomorrow I was looking to spend the better part of the day there but I just got a text from W that she made an appointment with S therapist tomorrow. It will probably be for a family session. I would think it would be to try to get S to continue visiting her. I am good with that.
Anyways I will let you know how it goes.

[RR17]

I made plans with S to go to the beach with the dog tomorrow I was looking to spend the better part of the day there but I just got a text from W that she made an appointment with S therapist tomorrow. It will probably be for a family session. I would think it would be to try to get S to continue visiting her. I am good with that.
Anyways I will let you know how it goes.

Well, that's good news if she wants to extend a bridge to S. Progress is often awkward. Hope it goes well and if it doesn't, S just might need more time. I hope you will let them hash this out.
As for your interviews, something is going to stick here soon.

I saw this quote and thought of myself as well as others:
The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. - Norman Vincent Peale -

[LoneWlf]

Thanks for the good wishes RR
Well I woke up today a little anxious. Maybe because of the session with the therapist. Maybe it is because I have not seen the W in about a month. I know it gives me the opportunity to show her the improved version of me(with lots more room for improvement).I have picked out some nice summer clothes and cologne. I want to appeal to as many of Ws senses. I know my focus is on detachment-listening and validating both S and W.
I have played out some scenarios just to be prepared.
Maybe she is using this as a opportunity to bridge R with S- That is Good!
Maybe she is using this opportunity to create more distance- possibly talks about separation agreement and selling the house.
Maybe she is using this opportunity to reach out to S and I to say she has thought about the sitch and wants to rebuild the family(just a thought).
I know this is viewed as mind reading but I only want to be prepared of all outcomes.
Prayers are always welcomed- Thanks!

[RR17]

Who knows what today will bring?
Who really knows what any day will bring?

I think it's good to play out different scenarios in your head. It helps you prepare to respond in a more intentional way and not react.

But I will say that more so do you need to demonstrate that you are Detached, than that you are better behaved and will be a good boy next time. I think it is said in the book as well as here, If that is the only message, W will see through it. W will not trust it.

I think it was you that spoke about attractiveness towards the W, in my thread. Yes, you have to look your best, but IMO, your attractiveness is in your demonstrating that you are a centered male that will be pursuing his dreams regardless of the old MR. Not that your teeth are brushed and your hair combed.

W needs to see authentically that you are mentally and emotionally moving on. With or without her. Period

[NicoleR]

LoneWlf, I hope you'll let us know how it goes. Prayers to you and your family!

[arsh18]

LW, prayers are always with you and your family. let us know what the talks were about today. Good luck.
-Arshi

[LoneWlf]

RR-Nicole-Arshi- than k you for your advice and prayers.

Had a great day at the beach with S and dog. Wind was strong so waves were a bit rough. We threw a football and baseball did some swimming, along with flying a kite ate some sandwiches and junk food. Overall a sunny fun day. I noticed on the way back home S was more sullen and quiet. That's when I just put on music and started to sing to lighten the mood.

We had to go stop by the vet to pick up special diet food for dog. We got home unpacked quickly while S went to shower while I watered the plants. I got showered cleaned up and dressed well. On the way I told S to let his true feelings be known and i would support him fully.

We got to the office first - so S played on his game and I took out my prayer book. Therapist called in S and spoke to him individually. While reading W comes in slightly late. She said Hi .I look up say hi and see that she seems to look tired and frumpy. Same old clothes - her big jeans and a simple blue blouse. I notice she is still fairly heavy. I notice she is wearing her family(maternal side) ring on her right hand. She has cut her hair but it does nothing to enhance her looks almost too boyish a cut. She asked me if S was with T and I said yes. I continued to read and pray.

S came out and asked me to come and talk with T(therapist). T says to me "Man you look awesome - it looks like you have been taking care of yourself- you lost alot of weight and you are looking great!- I thanked him and said I needed to focus on me and I still have a ways to go. He asked about my sitch - job hunting, relationship with S which I confirmed was getting better and he asked me what we have been doing to keep him busy. I told him that together we have S set up with some small goals ( fixing his bed) to some bigger ones (learning cpu coding) by the end of the summer). Some which I have seen some great results. Then he said he would bring in W, He proceeded to to give us hand outs on co parenting and went over it- asked if we were on board and we bot agreed. He then asked W how his the visit with S went. W said she felt anxious all day she said when he buzzed up to her she came down to get him. As soon as she came in S removed his shoes and sat down and kept his eyes on his game. W said she was asking him a bunch of questions about school and summer and would only get "yup" and "nah" as responses. She was trying to get him to open up but he just wouldn't. He went to eat but when asked if he wanted more sauce for his pasta said no. On the drive home to my place he kept his head down - got to my place and quickly exited the car. T then said lets celebrate the small wins here. her agreed to visit, he stayed even tho it was uncomfortable, and he let W drive him home. T said lets see if we can get him to agree with another visit.
T called in S- I can see that S was upset b/c he kept his eyes down and his answers short. Then with S present asked me to give him an update on what was happening in the house. First I said I want to acknowledge S for his hard work - his planning- his following thru and determination on his studies. By raising a failing mark by 20%. By having an 80% average while going thru this very tough transition. And by coming up with initiatives that help to be more productive around the house. I also said his thoughtfulness and attitude have also become better. We have become closer and more receptive to one another. The T then shifted and then asked about W -what did she want ? W said she wants a relationship with S and that she too feels it to be awkward. T then asks S would you be willing to visit W again possibly overnight? S says - No. T asks will you be willing to visit again for a meal? S says I need to think about that. T says at least it is not a definite no- Just think about it. Then W asks if we brought his report card. I said no - but I can scan her a copy. T then says to conclude this session lets let S when he has an opportunity in the next week or so write down a bunch of questions for the T on how he feels and why he thinks he feels that way. From there he said we will see how S is and take it from there. S quickly got up and exited the room and the office. I got my things together and was last to leave the room as I was leaving T said keep up the good work!
W was talking to the receptionist as i was passing by - she looked up and said can you email me the report card . I said sure! Then she responded - have a good weekend! - said and you too! - I better get going S already outside. She said Take care_ i said- bye!

I was nervous about this meeting- I read up on detachment before the meeting and mad sure I cam from a place of listening and validating when necessary - not like in the past where my stance was on defending myself. I felt confident in my words and actions - I looked good and tbh I feel as if my W has lost her attractive ness in many ways. She does not look like she is taking care of herself. I am not sure how I feel now that I think about it. I know this may also change. For those that have given me advice prayers and good wishes - Thank you! What comes next- I'm not sure!