My little daughters 2 - securing their future

[Vanilla]

Sorry for the long post, I am not in a good place just venting and desperate for advice and feedback.

This is tough stuff, your future health and living depend on this so it will be stressful.

We had long mediation and settlement talks yesterday. WAH has started saying everything is going my way, finances, custody and that I am not budging.

Guilt tripping you as reality bites.

His need to get a quick D is so strong that he does not seem to want any hurdles.

This gives you mediation strength.


Spends time and talks about love for the kids but immediately agreed to having them only for couple of days. As a mother I do not understand how you can go without seeing them for most part of the week but he is okay with minimum custody if it means a quick D thru mediation.

You can always relax this later by agreement. For now this is great news.


I made it clear I do not want to own anything jointly after this because he wanted to keep some things to be resolved post D. He was upset I was not being more lenient. Even said he was not in here to swindle me but he was getting out of the MR because I was judgemental and not emotionally available. I just validated but stayed my course.

So proud of you, that can't have been easy.This is mediation not MC, and therefore his current views on what he is getting out of the R are irrelevant. Perhaps like many of us you cooked the wrong pasta, had a messy closet or wore too much pink. Not relevant as to why he is D, these are fin and custody terms.

He wants to throw birthday parties together for the children and plan vacations together to home country, I said no to both to which he was annoyed again. I mentioned any kid would love to have 2 parties and until things are figured out in future I do not intend to host anything togehter.

He still wants to control everything. And in my view parallel parenting is a perfectly valid choice for you.

He does not want to pay child support but wants to manage expenses thru an App, split it halfway or contribute little more based on income,

What a surprise, he doesn't want to shoulder his fin responsibility. Especially when it's hard to enforce this has to be mandated and covered for your children.

I said if he is ending this legally I would let law decide child support and that I dont want to have private convos for the rest of our lives about child care expenses.

Absolutely. EXCELLENT! AWESOME

I did speak a lot, I should 180 on that really, but at least I stayed calm, patient but persistent. I using the term single mother bothered him a few times,

Truth dart. Good for you.

he started saying dont act like a victim and he has said that before to which I said neither I nor my children are victims and that we will do fine.

Really loving your awesome mamma bear approach.

I am using the term I and my children, that is pissing him off, he says he is not abandoning the children and I am beign selfish as always by just prioritizing my life and theirs.

Children come first, the law also looks to the child being prioritised. He is an idiot.


Should I say our children instead? I do not use We, Us or our anymore as much as possible in convos.

I would use the neutral expression the children.

He mentioned we have to see each other almost everyday due to children, even if it is not his day with kids he will be available to pick them up or drop off or anything else I need.

More attempts at control. He is a delusional idiot.

I just mentioned that he is free to do as he pleases on his days, if I am really sick I may request his help with kids but other than that I wish to manage on my own.

Great in your awesomeness.

I also said seeing each other every day is not helathy for either of us to move on. I do not want to pretend to be one happy family post D, that is confusing and unhealthy for everyone including the kids and I made that clear to him.

Too right. You don't even need to say this just do it.

He wants me to move to another state with him post D,

What an entitled jerk wad!


I said I would try but I wouldnt jeopardize my career over it since I need my job as a single mother to feed and put a roof over our heads.

Let go of appeasing him. Live your life around your needs. Suppose jerk wad wants to move to Alaska, it has been known. Do you keep disturbing your life on his whimsy?


He stated that he is clinically depressed for one year and I am torturing him more by not agreeing to anything and helping him out, I just said I am sorry he felt depressed and that we did not have a R where he could share it with me but with the way things are right now I will have to keep my job intact.


I can't diagnose him but his actions aren't that of someone clinically depressed. He is cohesive and focused in getting D. Maybe its his man parts that are lying about his depression. Sorry I deal with the clinically depressed and most of them don't get out of bed until noon.

This morning he saw a handyman come in to repair something, I had not mentioned to him that I was hiring a handyman as I am paying for it on my own. He said I understand you are tyring to be independent here but since I lived here for so long I would like to chip in, I said its ok I can manage but he said he wants to contribute so I responded saying thanks and i appreciate it.

This is good.

This may not be DBing,

It is bang on DB. Absolutely it is. It is strong and detached doing the job for you and your children.


I may be at the juncture where he has been told I am ready for what is to come and I am moving forward because I have kids to raise. Should I tone down?

No. It is mighty for you and your kids.

Did the convo get too out of hand? Please advise and point out any mistakes, it was a 2 hr convo I have only recorded the stand out points.

This is pretty awesome, great DB, and you were fair, allowing him custody as needed, were reasonable and straightforward. All seems great to me, it is your job to get fairness for yourself and the children.


I may have made other mistakes that are not mentioned here. Am I being too aggressive here? I did mention that this is not a mutually concentual D, I am cooperating with mediation only because it is what is good for the children.

Absolutely ok and a great attitude.

Mediation talks are so close and it seems like the end of the road, am I nailing the MR coffin shut with my behavior?


Can I remind you mediation isn't about MR. It's about S and terms. It's about fins and the practicalities of S and D. It can't be emotional. MR is a separate thing entirely don't confuse these two.

I want to fight for the MR, to stand up to what we had, but I am agreeing to mediation because he is offering good terms for the kids, I have checked with L.

Mediation is a great solution for you I think so. And it has nothing to do with MR. Caving in to appease won't bring MR into being. The coffin is already buried on the MR. You are discussing funeral costs.


Sometimes I feel I should contest the D and pull it out but that is only going to make things bitter. I feel so lost, seems like with mediation I am giving in to WAHs craziness but I also know it is better for the kids and me instead of the legal battle.

I totally agree with you. You will likely get a more reasonable and fair result. And reduced animosity compared to a contested D which I think you would lose. I can't see any judge not granting a D to your WH. You would end up paying WH legal costs too in a contested D.

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Amazing result. Masterful.

V