Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

I actually wasnt speculating very much at all. I put it away and went and met with a friend and had a wonderful evening biking around Portland. Each time it seems to affect me less and less.

That said, why ignore it? I wouldnt ignore a message like that from anyone else in my life.

[Maika]

Because it's not a question and it's not a business related issue. It's just a small hook to get you to respond to her. There is no reason for you to do it. You're too busy enjoying your life and doing your things to respond to something like that. She wanted to send you good wishes and you go them. If she wanted to have a conversation about something, she can do that instead of using this approach - not that she wants to, but I am just saying.

You're not ignoring her, but using smart communication. She walked out and doesn't want to do anything with you and the marriage, but then sends a message like that. It could be guilt, regret, genuine caring, who knows. It doesn't matter. You're on your path.

I don't think you replying something like 'Thanks for the message' is going to hurt your chances for anything in the long run. It's more about doing less for her and being NC/dark so you can handle your business. These messages invariably make the LBS think about everything and puts them in a bad mental spot when they're trying to move forward.

Again, it's not a big deal if you respond, I just think it's better if you don't.

[hongaku]

I think an I am doing great, thanks is an appropriate response. Short and simple and neutral.

[Ste7e]

I agree do not respond
If it were a question then yeah maybe
Act as if she is dead
Remain focused on you
Sorry but this is the new normal
Learn to love it
Learn to love you
When she actually changes to want to be with you now you would know

[Davide]

Ok. I am hearing you guys loud and clear. It does feel off to me, especially since the last time we communicated I told her that it doesnt bother me to hear from her... seems like mixed messages on my part.

[Maika]

But it does bother you, that's my point. And it would bother me too. There are so many why questions that come up and can send the LBS in an endless loop.

Saying to her that it doesn't bother you to hear from her is on the same philosophical ground of people saying 'I will always love you as you're the mother of my children' / 'I will be there for you as you're the mother of my children' etc etc. It communicates that you're okay being Plan B. I am not saying that it was your intention to do that at all, I am just saying how it can be perceived.

But more than that, you're not being honest and good to yourself by saying it doesn't bother you. You don't have to tell her to not contact you or anything, but stay true to yourself. Accept that it bothers you and then figure out how to move forward.

I will be honest and say that my approach to NC/Dark is on the tougher side of the spectrum. Any small crumb can get the LBS go down a spiral with no end.

I would rephrase whatever it is you're trying to do as - 'Is this going to help me in my healing journey?'

[arsh18]

Davide, do not respond. The way I see it she knows you still want R, want to keep the MR, work on yourself, still desperately love her and she is the WAS that left you. It is either guilt or pity, you dont need either right now you are better than that. If it was genuine affection or love she would come back clearly with more. She is the one treating you like a friendly neighbor now. Write on a piece of paper, I was doing quite well and healed until you bothered me again and either shred or burn that paper and GAL some more. Sorry there is a raging fire in my belly today about my own sitch so I am feisty
-Arshi

[ovrrnbw]

Ya I feel totally confused, and she didn't even text me. I have no clue and that would send me reeling.

I just want to know WTF she is thinking.

[LoneWlf]

D- I can see both sides to this conversation. My heart tells me to respond to show communication is still open but my head is telling me to be still acknowledge-and let it be. Definitely a tough call. We are with you - you got this!

[Davide]

Thanks,

I didnt/havent responded. It doesnt really warrant it, I guess. As I get closer to coming back we will have to communicate to set logistics up, so there will be plenty of opportunity for that, I think.

I am in beautiful Crater Lake National Park right now. Yesterday, egged on by the friend I am visited, I leapt 15 feet off a rock into the 56 degree water. A year ago I would never have dared it. I like the shifts that I am making and the person I am becoming. Less fearful. More mindful, capable of living in silence. The friend that I visited in Portland was a great role model for me in that regard - very grounded, centered, mindful. He is able to sit in silence and just be good with himself. He just reinvented his live, moving out to the west coast without a job, and he has gone about it in a very deliberate way. I want to be like that.