Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

AS, I always appreciate your thoughts.
There is a lot of truth in your words. I am seeing more and more (wow, the previous posts from you, Steve, Sandi and others saying to give it time, things will become clearer, and you just need to relax a little are truer than ever!) that I really am my own worst enemy in this. I cannot, and don't want to control my W. I do have dreams, desires, wishes that I could control the situation, but I know I cannot. I can only control myself. I didn't sleep well (about 90 minutes) on Wednesday and my W was up most of the night sick last night so I was helping her. So, it was very difficult to get on the treadmill this morning. Didn't want to get out of bed. Did it. Didn't want to go longer than 15 minutes. Did a little over an hour. Didn't want to do the weight circuit. Did it anyway. Thinking to myself constantly all throughout that I was exhausted and wanted to quit and then reflected on my MR and how control over my own actions and reactions are all that I have. The rest is not up to me. My actions will not be out of desperation or anger, they will be out of love and a desire to do what is right for my children and myself. My reactions will not be out of retaliation, anger, hurt or anything negative. I will pause, think and prior to acting or speaking will examine what I truly desire for my life prior to responding. Example would be that my W was in a fairly bad mood yesterday evening. She made a couple of quips about really nothing, was a little short with the kids, etc. I didn't take any bait. Was polite, cordial but not overly compensating for anything. I sat back and thought to myself "I knew this was coming". We get along for a few days and things get a little more comfortable and she feels the needs to shoot back and prove that she is wanting to move forward with the S or D. Maybe... That is me mind reading. So I sat back, thought to myself "what is my goal in this". And my answer was that my short term goal was just to make it through the evening with zero conflict. I achieved my goal. Unfortunately my W was up at midnight puking her guts out for a few hours. Kind of puts things into perspective. Her mood probably had ZERO to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with her body feeling sick. We do have idle chit chat from time to time, but she doesn't share much and she has asked me not to ask about her health so I rarely do.

I did propose the hotel stay to her and didn't ask for an answer, simply told her the situation, asked her to think about it and let me know in a couple of days. She didn't say much about it, and I didn't press and glad I didn't now knowing she wasn't feeling well.

There are so many pieces to life's puzzle that it amazes me. Things that are happening to us, our families and our friends that may or may not change our viewpoints. She has a close friend that I have spoken of here that had a huge health scare this week. My W even mentioned that she thought her friend had the possibility of passing. I don't know how this is going to affect her. This is the person she leans on and has a lot of her future hopes locked into. Facing a friend's mortality, especially one that is supposed to be vested in your financial future (friend and other partner are supposed to open a business and my W was going to work there. They have zero capital and I am skeptical about how it would work since all of them have serious health issues and I don't know who would actually do the work. My opinion it is a pipe dream and part of fantasy land.). So her facing square in the face that she may not be able to count on this income for her future and maybe looking at her own health issues and own mortality may have her pausing. I am not mind reading on this. It may very well push her to S and D as she may say "life is too short not to take the chance" kind of thing as well. I am just letting is play out.

Going into another weekend off of a short week. Not as apprehensive as in the past and looking forward to spending some time with the kids and doing some fun things. If W wants to come or do anything she is always welcome.

AS, I agree that just as you still love your EW, I will always love my W whether we are together or not.