I am still totally in love with her. I am doing my best to detach, but I see her walk into a room, any room, sweat pants, no make up, hair not done and I see my partner, my wife, the mother of my children and my heart leaps and then plunges all at once.
I was married 20 years, thought I would be married forever. I loved my ex but certainly didn't get all googly eyed when she walked into the room. Until BD. Then suddenly there was no woman more beautiful, more amazing, more perfect in every way. I don't know what's at work here and neither does science or the medical community, but I bet we will understand it better some day. It's some kind of chemical shift in the body and brain that triggers a change in a person when they get BD'd. What they previously took for granted now becomes a treasure they can't live without. I'm not saying not to love your wife, but I am saying what you are experiencing is not what you think it is. She's not the only woman in the world for you and you're not going to die without her. It takes time, but these agonizing feelings you have for her WILL dissipate and eventually go away. You will always love her just as I will always love my ex, but it's not the obsessive kind of emotions you're experiencing now, it's more like the way you love a family member.
Quote:
I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't.
Yes, that too is completely normal to feel.
Quote:
I am so scared for all of us for our futures.
Yes that's normal too. I was so worried and scared. How would we put the kids through college, how would I ever retire, what was going to happen to the house. I remember walking through the living room once and looking down and thinking "oh my God, that carpet is going to need to be replaced some day, how am I going to do that????" Just weird, stupid, crazy thoughts. My mind was running a thousand miles an hour, especially when I tried to go to sleep. It was HORRIBLE.
Quote:
I am a mature adult human being, but this is just so foreign territory to me I don't know how to handle it.
Really that's what it all boils down to is fear of the unknown. You thought you knew how your life would play out and now you don't, and it scares you. Here's the thing though- your life was NEVER going to play out like you thought it was, it was an illusion you built. Life has a way of pooping all over our plans. Maybe it's a job loss, or a terminal illness, or a death, or loss of a spouse but when we get complacent then life has a way of popping up and saying "oh no no nooooo you are far too comfy and we are going to change things up!" All any of us can do is roll with it and make the best of it we can. I've seen people develop cancer and they are given a year to live and they curl up and start marking days off the calendar. And I've seen people hear that same news and immediately go about cramming the next 30 years of living into one and die with a smile on their face. What we do with our time here is a personal choice.
I've said this a few times before, maybe even in one of your threads, but BD, S and D are not the end of your book, they're the end of a chapter in your book. What happens in the next chapter is completely up to you.
Quote:
We trusted each other with everything. We have children together. We have a family. So what if we had some turmoil. Everyone does.
Going back to the chemical changes I mentioned earlier, I feel that the same happens in WAS's. There is some internal physical change that happens, call it menopause or MLC or whatever but some shift happens that changes the way they view life, marriage and their spouse. It's the opposite of what happens to the LBS. In their case, it makes them want to run from everything and start a new life. It has nothing to do with the little bit of turmoil you had, or the fact that you didn't put the toilet seat down enough, or that you didn't vacuum enough or any of that. She simply changed. She doesn't want the M anymore. She may change back again but not because you put the toilet seat down more or vacuum more, but rather because that internal change shifts again. It happens. Whether it happens to YOUR W is not known, so you give her time and space and you work on yourself because that is ALL you can do.
