Patience & DB / Detach or Divorce

[AnotherStander]

Did, I get the sense that you need some reassurances and are not sure about your course of action, but you really are doing a great job. Keep it up! I think you understand pretty well what you should and should not do as you often ask a DB'ing question and then immediately answer it. You've been at this a long time so I'm sure you're getting a little frustrated over not seeing progress, but remember it's all about baby steps. And I think you are seeing those in your W reaching out to you more, especially at times she doesn't need to. And then coming over and hanging out for 30 minutes when most WAS's can't wait to leave. So keep the faith and keep doing what you're doing. Lovingly distance. Treat her with respect but don't pursue. You've got this!

[AnotherStander]

Feeling pretty lonely.

I wanted to touch on this as it's something I read a lot around here. We go from having a family to suddenly finding ourselves alone, and it's a HUGE adjustment. Of course you feel lonely, who wouldn't in that situation. But have patience with yourself, and double down on GAL. It sounds like you have quite a few GAL activities so that's great. Stick with it. After my ex left, the first week that I didn't have the kids was horrible. I was scared, lonely, felt completely helpless and hopeless. I had to MAKE myself GAL. I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. But I did make myself get out and GAL, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But it also triggered the biggest internal changes in my life. Over time I came to accept being alone, and then eventually ENJOY being alone. I covet my alone time now, it's time I get to do whatever the hell I want whether it's work out, hang out by my pool, do some house project, or even just veg out and watch a movie. I mean I absolutely LOVE it. I am never, ever lonely but I am often alone. What is the difference? The difference is how you feel about yourself. When you learn to enjoy doing stuff alone, then you learn you don't NEED someone else. You might WANT them, but you don't have to have them to have a full life.

And when you get there, THAT is when you will be ready to date.

[Loves77]

I feel that he is doing great as well. How I wish I could even get a single text. He has daily contact it seems. Which is awesome. You are doing better than you think!

[Did]

Thank AS & Loves I appreciate the feedback and support. We have been spending time around each other for months. She texted me "Hey Mom dads the best dad" I responded Ha awesome and loved the text.

Consistency and patience are hard for me. I wonder what shes thinking when she sends a text like that. Like wouldnt any woman think I want to be with the guy my daughter thinks is the best dad... the guy that supports me loves me wrote letters and cards etc and fought for me for months...

Trying to be patient and hope reassurances from you guys are awesome. But there is only 1 persons opinion and feelings who really matter. I am so tired of being stuck in leeway separated but not divorced. Her mentioning OM who is a cop or Tinder it just puts me in such a negative place. Yes I say dont mention it boundaries, respect etc. She agrees says she respects me gives me reasons. She always reasons her way out of or through everything. I just want to say I dont care about your reasons dont do it around me or dont be around me but I cant say that. I cant lose my cool. That is the biggest turn off... have to be calm and act like I dont care.

Anytime I expect anything positive or do anything Id normally do with a woman its a step back or negative outcome. Just seems so farfetched that shes going to make her own 180.

But I told her Id pay for 3 months and we could talk about things then so Im going to try to stick to it.

It does help that you think Im doing great though. Because it doesnt feel that way to me sometimes.

[Did]

Been reading some other posts on here... Im still much too concerned about what shes thinking. When my mind starts going in that direction I have to just note it and put it to the side... Detach!

[Parkema]

Hi Did,

I've been reading a few of your most recent posts and is typical fodder for us LBS! There are so many on here who have traveled the road your on and loads you can learn from and AS is the bus driver...

I not so much preach process but its so true, you need to believe in the cycle of a R do the principles mentioned in DR and concentrate on you and your D3.
Control is such a hard concept to understand when faced with an A but eventually you'll understand your wasting so much time on something you cant control.

Your post mentions patience and is so relevant with A's and times another, time is powerful and destructive to R's if you don't understand its affects!
I want to put some hope in here - A's usually end, statistically they are bound to fail but don't let that affect YOU detach from her and allow her to continue her journey whilst you create a better life by GAL'ing like mad.

Detach but don't isolate.
Respond but don't initiate.
Remain the 3 C's in her presence cool, calm and classy.
Show a confidence and smile all the time especially around her.< contagious!

GAL'ing is key to survive the time needed for her to go through the process YOU MUST DO THIS. You will realise that IF she tries to make a go of the A your GAL'ing will put you in a position where you just wont care.

Get to work.

Mark.

[Did]

Thanks Parkema. What do you mean about time - powerful and destructive to Rs if you dont understand its affects?

[Did]

Planned on taking daughter out to dinner since I am working in the area where she is with my wife. W asked what time I said 430-5.

Just now, W texts me I was thinking of asking you to stay and talk and have a glass of wine but by then Ill be so tired. My response was Id be open to that but if youre too tired another time is fine...

If we do talk - keep it light and fun dont pursue. No relationship talks. Any other advice?

[hongaku]

Re-read the LRT section of DR, especially the part where MWD describes what to do if the spouse begins to show some interest in spending some time with you.

[Loves77]

Don't think expect ANYTHING. she threw a line to see if you would bite. I wish you would have responded "maybe" and left it at that. If it ends up happening, you end the time. You leave first.