My wife's midlife crisis

[ciluzen]

atFaceman,

You seem to have a pretty healthy attitude about this, despite being pretty low right now. Your mood will wax and wane with the MLCer's actions, despite your best efforts. That's normal. How could it not?

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to approach this in a healthy way;self care, DBing, attempting to understand. There are feelings there that may not be fully understood even by the MLCer themselves.

I've been D since around November of 2016. Its hard to believe that for me. I immediately started the process of taking pre-requisites for a masters degree in marriage and family therapy, got into the program I wanted, and have less than one year to go before I finish. I see clients at two different internship sites as well as going to classes. I can't escape thinking about XH with each thing I learn or with each client I see. Apparently, I do my best work with couples. It can be emotionally draining, as I get to hear the strugggle often from people who are going through their own MLC...and don't even know it. But it has allowed me to hear it from the horses mouth, so to speak, and gain some understanding of what my XH was/is going through. So much pain and confusion. That "fog" is not just depression. It seems to be that point we get to, a normal developmental stage, where we question what its all about. Is there something more out there? Does our partner really love us or are they just there? Do I really love them? The excitement of the honeymoon phase has worn off and now its all responsibility and routine.

Maybe they feel their partner is too involved with kids and they feel left out, bringing up attachment issues from their own childhood. Maybe they are the partner that feels their life is all about caring for others and they decide they are feeling overworked and underappreciated and want to feel free again...me-time. Maybe they feel stuck ...in their job, their life, their routine...and start fantasizing about change; something to bring excitement and unpredictability and a semblance of that feeling we all had when we were young and the world was in front of us and full of shiny possibilities. Sometimes its a change of clothes and a new hairstyle. Sometimes its a new interest, hobby, lifestyle. Sometimes its the attention of another person. It wears off, eventually...or wears down. If we're lucky, they learn about themselves in the process, or reach out to someone who can help them to gain some understanding of where those feelings of panic, pain, lostness are coming from and help them pick through it while retaining some understanding of the importance of communicating and sharing needs and wants with their partner.

I have watched as my own XH has struggled...he's a tough one. He really will not acknowledge emotions and stuffs them down hard...even though they bubble up through the cracks at times. He even speaks of emotion and feelings negatively..as things not important and not to be shared. He's not a "touchy-feely kinda guy", though he is...it just comes out as little yelps of pain and surprise, a tightness in his jaw, or softness and wetness in his eyes which he quickly laughs off or screams out. I had a talk recently, where I acknowledged some memories of something that I had gained a deeper understanding of, and had met with him to share my new insight and apologize. He was astounded, showed he felt understood, accepted the apology with a surprised, happy, even loving look on his face...then immediately pulled out his phone to show me his latest ski pictures so he could change the subject and not look me in the eyes again...too much emotion for him to deal with. Or maybe he saw my hopefulness?

I seldom contact him anymore, but he will randomly reach out to me at times. I believe that DBing and treating him respectfully, kindly, with concern while trying to give him space has been helpful in making me seem somewhat safe and consistant to him. I will admit, I've lost my $h!7 a few times with things I've found out and reacted to which may have set us back, but I'm learning. He's still in MLC and may even come out and decide he's better off without me, but even though the behavior is bad, I still feel some sort of pull to him. And as much as I received validation from the fun of dating, I'm done with that for now.

Its a slog. It has no known end time. The best advice I can give you is what you've heard over and over again: to be patient, consistant, loving and respectful. To listen and validate their strengths. Maybe even their looks and choice in flattering clothing, if there is insecurity there. Ask clarifying questions (not to many) to show that you are listening to understand when they talk. Respect their need for space and privacy...most likely you have become an emotionally unsafe person whether because of past reactions or because they sense your need to influence them when they are not ready.This takes time. A lot of it. When you are with them, to be a safe person you just need to be there...fully but not intrusively. That eye contact...is paramount.

Good luck and be prepared for anything. That light-house story? I suggest you memorize it, find the true meaning in it, and hold it close to your heart.