Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Good Morning and I hope you all had a great 4th holiday!

After my"venting" which made me feel a ton better just to get it out, I stayed off of this site until this morning. I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting too dependent on the site. I also wanted to be sure I wasn't dwelling too much on my sitch. Sandi, it seems you can see into my mind and know what I am thinking. I didn't create this situation, but I do put a lot of pressure on myself with how it will work out. I have, for good or bad, always had the way of looking into and playing out plans for the future far ahead of time. Looking at a business, forecasting for the next 3-5-7 years and beyond, seeing what will happen if/when/how this will occur, etc. Sometimes I can work through an issue overnight and "see" the outcome based on the choices before me. I am not clairvoyant. I don't believe I am delusional. Everyone who knows me either well or even someone I recently came into contact would probably say that I am stable, consistent, and reliable of which I am and have been my entire life. I go to work everyday (just like everyone else) and make it happen in that way. I am outgoing, personable, likeable and have had friends that I still speak to from high school, college and beyond. As far as what I did for yesterday, I went to the couples party that my family has attended probably for 10 of the last 14 years. I took my kids. My W was feeling very bad healthwise and had stated that she wasn't going anywhere. The kids and I went. My D had a teenager issue (nothing to do with me, just teenage drama) and I took her home early prior to the fireworks starting so it kind of just ended up being my son and I, but we had fun, enjoyed the evening. My W, I think, enjoyed the time alone. We were very close so I called prior to running my D home to let her know that I was bringing her. My son and I and our friends watched fireworks, ate, drank and had fun. Do I dwell on my situation? Unfortunately I can honestly say it is the main focus of my life. I would and I try each and every moment to "put it out of my mind" and remember that time is my friend. I can only dream that my mind would allow me that. I am being more honest on this board than I believe I ever have in my life outside of prior to the BD from my W. If, If , If.... It is all that I think about. I, I , I... it seems that all I speak about sometimes is myself and that is why I feel "selfish". My focus is totally on my MR and it seems that if I could just detach better, give it time, that things would have the possibility of working out. WHY do I say that? W has done nothing to move this forward. Over the last 2 days, we have connected and talked (briefly) about things. She seems to be interested in making sure I am attracted to her. I know she is testing my boundaries. She had an issue with a friend (that I am so NOT a fan of) that happened and I totally supported both her and her friend through the initial part of this issue. I believe she thought I was going to either go "off" or just dismiss the issue entirely. Instead, I was truly myself. Caring, honest, sincere and interested both in her friend's problem and her feelings towards it. She seemed taken aback a little by this. I took it as a sign, not of one of my 180's, but that my true self was showing through in a time of crisis.

So what has happened in the last 48 hours outside of the holiday fun?

My D and I made a dinner together, have plans to hang out this weekend and I am working and paying attention to her needs much more.

My S is AWESOME! I just need to focus on his needs a little more. As you stated Sandi, it doesn't have to cost money to make the memory. We have started playing board games together and watching more movies together. I absolutely recognize that it doesn't take money to make memories, it only takes quality time together no matter what you do!

W is still lost and confused. Nothing with regard to moving the D or S forward. In fact, we have been more cordial than ever. I don't read too much into that as I know that sometimes cordial means she may be making active plans. Just weird things that have connected us over the last couple of days. I know this will bring the boomerang effect and she will run away again soon prior to even thinking about our MR. I didn't sleep well last night, only about 2 hours so I was lying in bed tossing and turning most of the night. She moved around from time to time and several times she reached out, touched, held or was otherwise was in physical contact with me. I don't now what to read or think about this (again, my own mind is sometimes my worst enemy), but I felt it was a good sign. I have not mentioned it to her, nor will I.

Just to recap. My vent on Tuesday felt awesome to just get off of my chest. It helped me release and refocus for the last couple of days. I have a ton going on and I know that. Possible job change, possible relocation, possible S or D, so a bunch of fun going on!! I would normally be able to shake all of this off if my MR was good. The MR part has thrown a big curve ball into the mix. I am not going to deny that. It has rocked my entire world. BUT, it has knocked me down and I know that the only way to get back is to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward. If we both decide to work on our MR then we can, but I do know that it is a major possibility that we will not work things out and I will find myself out there in the world without my W. Not a pretty picture to paint, but I know in my heart that my kids and I will be ok regardless of my W's decision.

Back at work and it will be a slow couple of days. I will get some productive things done, continue my GAL and look positively towards the future.