Afraid of the dark PART 3

[Davide]

Ste7e,

Good stuff. I hear you. I am now out in Chicago and getting out and about has been good for my detachment as well.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, so keep it up. It doesnt make it s@ck any less, but it will be better in the long run.

I am going to be out in Oregon July 5-8 I think. I have never been before, but am heading to Portland and Crater Lake National Park.

[Ste7e]

Argh I blew it yesterday
Woke up to texts from WAW asking me to sign waiver of D notice
Told her I couldnt until I am back in 3 weeks
She then called to say she couldnt take care of pet at my house if I didnt sign it and take care of it that day
Talked for an hour and a half got into a fight over the phone and totally melted down
I asked her if she loved me and she flat out said no
In the end I agreed to sign and send it back
I called back later and cried on the phone alot
I am soo overwhelmed and exhausted out here in LA and had been doing a really great job of GAL and been making some serious plans for opening a business when I get home and working on detachment
And this has just ripped open my emotions and knocked me down where I just want to go home now
I feel like all the headway DB I was doing I destroyed by the conversation
Feeling hopeless and admittably suicidal emotionally (do not worry I would never hirt myself) just feel so defeated and worthless

[Ste7e]

Ok bouncing back much quicker
Tried to get waiver notarized this morning but it apparently needs to be done in the state I am from
Called WAW and told her that I would not be able to sign until I am back in 3 weeks but that I could cut my trip short and come home now to deal with it and not put her out with watching the pets in my absence.
She repeatedly said not for me not to cut my trip and work short and that is was ok and that all that mattered was that I tried.
Which was in complete and total opposition to the day before where at all costs I had to take care of this now.
Which was a relief and made me feel like I still had some agency over the changes I am making for myself and maybe they do matter to her also.
I have alot of questions about pursuit at this point.

[LH19]

I called back later and cried on the phone alot

S,

You have to get your $hit together. You cant be doing these things it is causing major damage. Are you in IC?

I can answer all your questions about pursuit. DONT!!!!! She wants nothing to do with you right now and will only make matters worse.

[Ste7e]

LH
I am in IC now but it is over the phone long distance while I am out here in LA and only once a week. I am maybe taking on too much in my life right now and just totally reached my breaking point. I have been doing extremely well and operating at a level I havent for years but contact with WAW about D stuff just breaks me and I backslide.
I was really l blindsided yearerday and so afraid of slipping into depression permantly again. So to see I emotionally bounced back in about 24 hrs is encouraging at least.

[Davide]

Hang in there Ste7e. It is great that you are bouncing back faster. That is a sign of real progress. The phone call sounds like a misstep but you cannot beat yourself up over them. It doesnt help your mental state or your sitch. Plus we all make mistakes in this. It is completely new, foreign and immensely stressful. One mistake is not going to decide the outcome of your sitch. It is about the cumulative effect of all the positive steps.

[Ste7e]

Agreed I just thought I was further along on my cumulative steps
Two things she said which I though were weird
First she commented about how I need to make the changes I am making for myself not her which I never said or implied I was doing
So she at least sees changes
Second when I cried she really softened and we were able to talk like humans to one another
She commented about how I cant be happy all the time so maybe my positivity she thought was all fake (maybe I am coming across as fake)
She doesnt trust what she is seeing

Can someone explicitlly explain again what exactly constitutes pursuit and why we should avoid it

[Ste7e]

The last couple days have been really hard
The reality of my situation has really hit me
And the idea of going home to nothing is crushing
I have nothing to lose at this point my ego is gone might as well just completely follow Sandis rules to a T moving forward they couldnt make anything worse
I know that I will be fine eitherway
Just very very very disappointed

Ironically in this process and time away I have become much for frustrated with future job options and career paths than anything to do with my WAW

[mtb1981]

Can someone explicitlly explain again what exactly constitutes pursuit and why we should avoid it

Read the pursuit thread if you haven't, or again if you have...

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

[MMM12]

Steve, you have to get yourself together.
As a woman, what youre doing is a total turn off and not going to work.
You HAVE to at least pretend like you GAL.
I know it hurts. Please follows Sandis rules