Fmly1st, I also wrote about my concern about my husband committing suicide on my thread. It's hard when you love someone so much and you want to help them. Unfortunately when they eliminate you from their lives then your involvement will push them closer towards instability rather than bring them back. I discreetly asked one of my husband's colleagues who I trust, and who knows our situation, to contact me if she notices any erratic or suicidal behavior prior to when I moved away from my husband's city. If she had ever contacted me I'd then contact my husband's family or friends and I wouldn't get involved. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. It probably was, but other than that I've been kind, cooperative, and emotionally stable around my husband to avoid aggravating him and that's probably as much as I can do. It's likely to be the same for you - if you remove yourself from the marriage but remain kind and cooperative then your wife will do what she wants to do but she can't blame you and you can't blame yourself. When she gets to the point where she realizes she destroyed her life then hopefully she'll reach out to you at that time and will be motivated to change and reconcile. What I'm trying to accept is that there's a process these spouses need to go through before it'd even be possible to start reconciling with them and unfortunately there's nothing we can do about it. In the meantime it sounds like you're a wonderful father and you yourself may benefit from venturing out and making new friends and strengthening your relationships with whoever is close in your own family - it's not as good as having your wife but I'm sure others who care about you will want to support you during this hard time.
Your concern was her moving out and what she would tell her parents about you. You did not want to be the bad guy, and you want them to talk sense into her.
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What im concerned about with her getting ready to move is how she explains this to her parents. She will not move without telling them first. I know that she is going to trash me in that discussion, prob say im acting crazy thinking shes in an affair,,etc. Even though i know she is and have proof. Im thinking i should have a conversation with them first to tell them the truth and maybe they can have better luch getting thru to her. Even though my wife adores and respects her father, im afraid she might buck even more and walk away from everyone.
It went from that ^^^^^^ to concerns of suicide?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's kinda what I'm saying as well Sandi. We all understand the concerns about other people, but this particular concern seemed to pop up when you saw apartment viewings.
I must say... sometimes I think LBS really do overreact. I look at myself and wanna smack myself over reactions I have had. I think he is really upset that the wife seems to be looking to move. But to be honest, I'm sure all walk always or want-to-be-walkaways have looked into it.
Its such a complicated sitch(like many im sure). My wife previously expressed to my mothed thG shs contemplated suicide in college because oc depression. And recently she told me that she just bought extra life ins in case all the stress kills her. She,doesnt seemed stressed when shes meeting him at bars and texting constantly.
Yes, im worried that when this all comes out shs could potentially try something. Im also concerned about about being able to trust my wife in any shape or form. Shes been lying to me like crazy and threatened to have my arrested oved the mbr issue. And given her reckless behavior i feel thd need to let her father know. He would be so angry with me if he finds out that i knew about this all along. Shes almost killed herself a couple times in the last year, drinking n driving, choking on vomit, etc.
I go back n forth on this because i have let her go and dont want to show anything where im trying to influence/control her. But this isnt about that. This is about putting family first, including my kids. I was absolutely devastated yesterday listening to my 18 year old daughter burst into tears because she fears that my wifes issues could be genetics and that she will suffer the same like her mother. I cant tell you how much that bothered me.
Yes, my wife will do whatever she wants. And eventually she will crash. But my kids and i are going to bare the brunt of all this and the last thing we need is for my inlaws to hate me for not letting them know their daughter went completely off the rails. If my wife hates me even more or if it pushes her more into his arms, so be it. I cant concern myself with that. My whole outlook on potentially reconciling has changes after learning that she has basically been living a double life for the last couple years at least. And the sad thing....i really loved this girl! We had something really special, an energy that i never felt before. But now its gone!!!!
And the sad thing....i really loved this girl! We had something really special, an energy that i never felt before. But now its gone!!!!
F,
Reread your quote above. Thats how you felt, not how she felt. People who are in love and have something special do not carry on multiple year affairs.
If you are truly only care about her well being and are not considering reconciliation as you stated above, why not just file for divorce? When your in laws ask you why you filed you tell them it is because their daughter is a liar and a cheater.
You are right. I guess she never loved me. And i am going to start the d process, but its going to take some time and some planning. The house burden is complicated because it was one of those toxic mtgs that we just recently modified.
But thats another reason why i feel the need to speak with her parents....i feel i owe them that much. I have no expectations for her or i as a result of conversation, other than her being really angry and potentially she walks away from everyone! Shes in limmereance big time!
I feel horrible saying this. But I have gone the parents route. I wanted his mom to know my aside. In the majority of the cases, the parents will hear you but still side with their child. You keep stating that you do not want them to hate you. If your wife is a messed up as you say, they already know.
Why do I feel that your motives to talk to her parents are more of a reaction? Let her tell them. They know their daughter better than you think, and even then they completely understand, they will most likely back off from you.
You cannot help her, man. She is going to do what she is going to do. You are NOT responsible if she hurts herself, you are NOT to blame in any way. You should NOT reach out to her family other than to respond cordially if they reach out to you. You are making things matter in your mind that DO NOT matter the way you are convincing yourself they do. BACK OFF. Focus on you and your kids. Period.
You are making things so much worse for yourself than they need to be. I do understand you love her and miss her and everything else that goes along with this horrible experience. But it is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. You are going to drive yourself crazy with thinking you can do anything about this whatsoever. You can only work on you and be the best you and the best father you can be. That is literally all you can do. Your W will come around, or she will not. You ARE going to be okay either way! Believe it!
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
