Can I really do this #4

[sandi2]

Nobody is telling you to shut off your love. I don't think I've ever told a LBH to stop loving his W.

I want to just say "ok" and make plans. I don't want our children to suffer through this even though I know they already are.

Your children need you to have fun (not necessarily entertainment), whether your W is involved or not. Okay, so you have this great love for her. Don't you think every LBH feels the same way? The greater your fear of losing her....the greater you feel love. It's enmeshed and you can't seem to separate the two. If you read very many posts from LBH's that's just arrived, I think you'll see how they all have the most beautiful woman in the world, and how their love is the greatest of the century. And the more they fear losing her, the more intense these emotions become.

Am I just selfish for hanging on? Would it just be better if I just pulled the plug, ended it so they could move on? I just don't know. AND I don't know if I am strong enough to do that. We have been together the majority of both of our adult lives. I know bad things happen out there. Life [censored] sometimes. I just always thought that our vows meant something and no matter what we would always be there for one another.

Selfish? Why are you thinking this way today? What does this have to do with family activities?

So, in my moment of weakness here in sharing, I hope you are as straight forward as you have always been in your response. I read the books, read the posts, know what I am supposed to do. Some days, some moments are easier than others. My S last night asked again (almost daily now) when we are going to go on vacation this summer and where we are going. How do I tell him that right now we can't go and we can't afford it. He doesn't understand.

Okay, so I'll share some of my thoughts. Maybe you won't see any connection or how it applies to your sitch. I grew up hearing my parents tell me they could not afford something I wanted. I had two pair of shoes per year, barely had five changes of clothes to last out the school week, and never received gifts except on my birthday and at Christmastime. (And oh boy, I remember not getting what I wanted for Christmas!) As you may have guessed, we never had a vacation trip. That's not to say we did not have good times. We were poor, but we had family fun in ways that did not depend upon money. I see so many young families today that don't know how to create fun. They think it has to be bought. They confuse fun with entertainment....which usually requires money. They think they have to take the kids to a theme park, or whatever. I also see them going into deep debt, rather than telling them there will be no vacation.

You are not the first, nor the last, that has worried about not giving their family a summer vacation trip. Somehow, the man ties that in with how he measures as a man. At least, that's the impression I get. For the record, I have had one hero during my lifetime. It was my father. Yes, the same man who could barely provide the necessities of life for his family. I'll just leave it at that, instead of going into a long story about him.

When my father passed away, the extended family started having Christmas celebration at my house. We eat a huge meal and then play games till time to open gifts. These old games are ones that I remember playing as a child at my grandparents. Nothing is purchased to play them. Everyone has so much fun, and laughs till they cry. The kids love it, b/c nobody plays these old games anymore. I'm just saying that those memories cost nothing but participation.

Your kids may be disappointed, if they are used to having a nice trip every summer. However, it's not going to leave an emotional scar for you to tell them you can't afford a vacation trip. Just be truthful with your son, and stop putting off telling him. Tell him in an age appropriate way that he understands...and that you are disappointed and it hurts to tell him that there is not enough money for a vacation trip this summer. Let him feel whatever he feels. It's part of growing up, JS.

You don't like being the bad guy. Nobody does, and in reality, you aren't a bad guy just b/c you can't afford a vacation for the family. Kids may not know how to process disappointment, but they have to learn. He may be more able to cope if you will be honest and open with him about it, instead of trying to prolong it b/c you dread telling him. To me, it's worse by letting him assume the family is still going on a trip. Just find a time when he is calm, and softy explain to him.

Not being able to afford a nice vacation, doesn't mean you failed at being a good parent. Just as it doesn't mean your MR is in trouble b/c you failed at being a good spouse.

Yes, as parents it hurts to see our children disappointed, but I am concerned about your thinking at the moment. This all seems emotionally enmeshed with your feelings about the sitch in your M.

I am becoming concerned about your health, JS. This pressure is building in you, and a lot of it could be prevented. Staying focused on positive things, and what you can control....while letting go of what you can't control. Staying balanced in your thinking....is important to not having a nervous breakdown. Maybe I see more hope in your sitch than you do, IDK. I just feel you bring a lot of emotional stress by how you think.

So forgive my moment of weakness as I take a moment and change the lightbulb in the lighthouse.

It's okay.

Now, did you make a decision in what to do for the 4th, or does it hinge on your W?