Patience & DB / Detach or Divorce

[Davide]

Your W sounds like mine to a large extent. My W is very sensitive and my bad moods would affect her greatly. I definitely relied on her for my happiness especially when depressed and that put way more pressure on her than she was able to handle.

Are you initiating good night texts or just responding? That wasnt clear to me. If your W is anything like mine she needs to feel completely free from all the pressure we put on them, the expectations, the burden of making someone else happy. Initiating contact puts the pressure back on, it raises their spidey-sense that there is neediness or pressure. I know that it is a common refrain here that you cant "nice" your way back into your WS heart. For me that is tough as well, because I want to be friendly and pleasant in interactions as well.

I am sorry I dont have answers for you Did, but I am following your thread and wanted to offer some support.

[Loves77]

Wow. That sounds so much like situation. Except reverse. I feel like the teenage girl chasing a boy who doesn't like me. I think I put reacted too much this past month and it has scared him off.

Anyhoo... I would only respond to her nice text. But some tiny advice, maybe every now and again don't respond. There really is no harm in it. You can say you fell asleep or whatever. Try not to fib though. It will be pulling back some. She will notice, I promise you. It almost sounds like you are too available. Whatever you do, when she reaches out again, act calm and friendly. Kinda like a "my bad - so what's up?"

She might not react but I'm guessing she will.

[Davide]

Love77

Sorry about the gender reversal!

I don't know if I respond too much. I have been gone for 3.5 weeks and only received one message in that time, which I responded to the following day. It is almost true NC. Great for detachment, not so great for much else.

[sandi2]

but what about texts like I hope you and D3 sleep well? She sends me that one every night I have her..

I doubt newbies appreciate it when I tell them they use their children as an excuse to contact their spouse.......but it is exactly what happens. The WW contacting you to ask how the child is doing while she is with you........is keeping you emotionally attached. You initiating a good-night text is pursuit, anyway you look at it. Your little girl just happens to be your excuse to contact WW. This is not co-parenting, IMHO.

[TBSakaJ9]

Did when my daughters with their mom I have never initiated texts or calls to them to wish goodnight, to chat etc. sandi is right on all accounts.
When you dont have your kids you should be trying have as much fun as you can.

[Did]

Ok thanks for the input. So if she initiates the text ok to respond but I shouldnt initiate the nice texting... No more goodnight hope you sleep well texts.

Even though when I was doing that a few weeks ago she was responding with I have less anxiety etc.

I will continue to pull back and hope she pursues at some point.

Patience is tough for me Im so fed up and so doubtful she will come back. I know she is on dating sites because she told me about a guy who superliked her on Tinder yesterday... guy happens to be an ex of a girl Im friends with this girl loves the guy...

Had a feeling last night she was with a guy... but not in my control, nothing I can do.

I had a great time with my daughter watched fireworks in new neighborhood with a bunch of families. Had a few beers. If W was with us it would of been perfect but still a great night.

[LH19]

I know she is on dating sites because she told me about a guy who superliked her on Tinder yesterday

WTF kind of conversation is that to have with her. What are your boundaries?

[Loves77]

I agree. That is just too much. The fact the should even tells you is very odd. I would discontinue any type of talking about dating other people. Just stay quiet and if she brings it up, change the subject.

If you ask her to stop talking about it she will know that you are jealous. Considering you have let her talk like this for a while it will take a few times of ignoring it for it to stop.

[Did]

I do stay quiet. I have told her I dont want to hear about anyone she is dating.

She is playing with daughter in the other room and i told her again i dont want to hear about OM or tinder etc. That it is a boundary and level of respect.

She responded with she is not seeing anyone but she understands... sigh patience right...

[Did]

W tagging me on Facebook real estate referrals - I am a realtor. And sending me pictures of our daughter saying Angel baby. After Mynor previous comment she said she does respect me along with her not seeing anyone. We briefly discussed schedule for the coming weeks. I have a packed week ahead of work then planned to take daughter to beach for a few days.

During W visit to get daughter she said her neck hurts I used to always rub her neck I said is there anything I can do to help. I was going to make her ask me to touch her not just do it. Probably soft if me and should of just said sorry your neck hurts. My love language is physical touch. I always want to hug bye but have not been for a couple weeks. If she initiated it fine. But I am not going to.

This slow process is mind blowing for me. Keep telling myself it is an experience and learn from it. Easier said then done.

Thanks all for support and opinions.