Patience & DB / Detach or Divorce

[AnotherStander]

Opinions on dating? W and I have had no sexual contact in about 13 months. We have both been with other partners and dated. 10 months ago she was serious in a rebound relationship and told me I should get on dating apps. I started dating. I should not have listened to her but I was a mess at the time. Had not read DB or DR NMMNG etc. I have not been dating in months but now we are in different homes and different towns.

I started dating about a year after BD. In retrospect I think that was too soon, 18 months to 2 years would have been better as I clearly had not moved on yet (even though at the time I thought I had). But that's me, it's different for each person. How did it go when you tried dating before? Sounds like it didn't go well, do you think it would be different this time? IE, have you changed, or is your mindset still the same (regarding your M) as it was then? You really need to have 100% moved on before you're ready to date, any less than that and it will just be an emotional struggle at a time that I think you would agree you don't need it.

[Did]

You are right on dating. Its selfish and impatient to date. Plus a disservice to the new woman. I just dont know what to do that works at this point being that we are now separated by 30 minutes. She came to pick up our daughter today and we hung out for about 30 minutes had some laughs. I didnt pursue or push for a hug or anything. I did tell her some of the new neighbors and kids were going to celebrate the 4th outside in the court and she was welcome to join. She didnt seem interested. Im going to stop including her in plans even though DB / DR talks about inviting spouse but not changing anything if they dont come. Part of me wants to just meet halfway to exchange our daughter because it leaves me pretty down after seeing her... or maybe I should man up and be happy / content around her even if i feel sad afterwards?

I guess I just need to find a renewed focus on me: career, GAL activities like workout, play lacrosse, hike, socialize with guy friends (even though must are coupled up). May give it another go with pro lacrosse next year, a team is coming back to Philly near where I live. Ive been working out a lot and am in the best shape Ive been in years. Still playing with college guys once a week and doing very well. It just doesnt seem to matter as much as having a partner to share and experience life with, wanting more kids before my daughter is too old so they can be somewhat close in age...

I dont know how the he*l she acts like she has no feelings its just unbelievable to me. I guess she is better at compartmentalizing things because of issues that went on with her family when she was young... When we were spending time together at her parents a couple months ago and I was just being happy and fun, paying attention to our daughter she was saying stuff like I have less anxiety around you. And she wants to hug. I guess I just need to really work on this being an experience and build my inner strength, self discipline, patience. Sounds good when I write it... but I miss her and the family.

Thanks for the support & advice!

[Did]

W has offered to help set up my new place- get black out curtains etc. Thought of buying her silverware and some things she needs in exchange. But then I re-read Cadets first post and pursuit and distance. This has happened 4-5 times already where she starts to be nice and come back and then I react and jump into it way too quickly then she flies the other way. I will set up my place myself. If she starts being nice I will continue to be distant. I will not invite her to spend time anymore or include her in activities. She can pursue me and invite me if she chooses to. No more initiating hugs... but what about texts like I hope you and D3 sleep well? She sends me that one every night I have her... I guess I just should not send texts like that.

Contact her as little as possible... and if she starts being nice again then what? Just be the nice neighbor. Trying to be the lighthouse and still have hope. Trying to be patient knowing Im not a patient person and paying her support monthly doesnt help. At least after talking to the attorney this money can be counted towards alimony if we do D. Just have to be clear in the memo of checks.

We live 30 min apart so its either we spend time together when we exchange D3 or we make plans to hang out. Really miss the girl I love that used to fall into my arms and want to be together all the time. Shes so cold and hard now. Gotta just let her go she isnt that girl anymore anyway seems like the girl I married is gone forever... going to focus on detaching. Shes gone anyway.

[hongaku]

You are answering all of your questions with the correct answers. Let her pursue you and do not pursue her. Period.

[Loves77]

Let her pursue. Let her wonder. It actually sounds like you are in a good spot with her. In my opinion at least. I WISH I had as much contact with mine as you do yours. I however, completely turn him off. Lol.

[Did]

Loves Im sorry to hear that you turn him off as you say. Are you bettering yourself? Working out, eating healthy, cooking, reading / learning, becoming a better, healthier, stronger, deeper person? I am trying to every day but definitely slip up at times.

My W did just get her own rental... Im paying 1325/mo for plus 1000/mo and we each got 45k from a house sale. So yea she should be pretty decent to me Id think... I agreed to do this for 3 months and then we will re-evaluate and see where we are at. She is so focused on support and money while Im focused on the emotion and relationship. Im going to try to care less or at least come off as if I dont care about her as much.

If we divorce it would be probably more up front and less per month. Hopefully she will be working by the end of the sumemer but I kind of doubt it which [censored]. She wont get a part time job she acts really entitled. I have said that to her a couple times and of course she loses it. So I stopped I cant try to change her or better her etc.

We get along for the most part. Unless we talk about anything like our relationship or if there is anything negative between us she cant handle it. She cries or just shuts down. So yea its not the time for us to really figure anything out. She really seems to like me more when Im not available so thats what Im going for but its hard as Fck because I really am available.

Ive been trying not to talk about anything serious or negative to her but with moving and figuring out money its been impossible. I really want her to start working after mid July when I can have our daughter just about any time but I cant force her to.

When I was working a lot and busy she was randomly texting me my anxiety is so much better around you and Im sorry for all the pain Ive caused you. Then there has been a step back since moving and the stress and arguments that arise with half of our money going to her etc. Again patience...

She was looking up rentals like a year ago and I checked her email and got so mad. I couldnt believe it, she didnt work Im this attractive successful guy she wanted to have more kids with less than a year ago now she wants to get her own rental... who was going to pay for it. I just knew I could get her back and said we couldnt afford a rental while we had a $2700/mo mortgage. So we sold our "forever home". I understand now she must have felt like a prisoner. She lived with her parents for a year. I just didnt understand then. I screwed up so many ways the first 8-10 months. If I had acted like I am now Im sure we would be together again and probably wouldnt have been with other partners etc.

Anyway, we facetime like once or twice a day to talk to our daughter. She called me this morning around 8am and I asked to facetime tonight at dinner time... I really think its our daughter that I miss more than anything. I mean of course I miss my wife but its been so long since weve been intimate and had really good times. I still feel connected to her and would choose her over anyone but I know there are other women out there. But there are no other women I have children with... when I dont have my daughter its like I feel incomplete or like my life is just a mess and what am I doing... Like Im not a good enough dad or person to be there for my daughter every day.

I dont know if the facetime is pursuit hopefully not. Our daughter is the most important thing especially to my W. I love her and try to the best dad I possibly can plus she brightens up my day. I wish I could have her every day but its outside my control.

Trying to be patient. I assume my posts on here are getting boring. With some of the intense situations going on out there in the forum. I just want to get my dam* wife back and family back. I love her and want her to just freaking see the great guy and father of her child. She tells me she sees me for the man I am and how admirable it is. But the timing isnt right or she is traumatized etc. I cant believe she doesnt run back but Im sure our timetables are way different.

Patience is the hardest thing for me... and being bored / lonely. Trying to GAL activities with guys is tough, had plans with a guy tonight then he texted me that he and his Ex (recent divorce) were going to the vet to put their dog down... ouch.

Been working out just about every day did 75 min intense yoga class this morning last night ran and did pushups hit some hills too. Thunderstorm tonight may get some meditation in... all this rambling here and I guess Im procrastinating dinner and getting work done.

Thanks all for the support its nice to be able to communicate with everyone on here and not have to worry about pushing people away.

[Loves77]

I was just saying that. I just had baby boy 5 months ago and have lost over 60 lbs and still going. He is physically attracted. But stays away bc of our situation. He was ready to move back a month ago but then flipped. It gets old.

[Did]

Feeling pretty lonely. Dont really have anyone Im close to around here or in general. It was just W and I for years. A lot of friendly acquaintances but miss the family more than anything.

I guess I just have to feel the pain and grow from it. Build a life and better future for myself and accept that it is what it is. Still hurts though thats for sure.

Whether I want to or not I feel like the only choice I have is to move on from my W. She shows no feeling no caring about me or our relationship. My go to has always been women for validation or sexual conquest to feel better... external factors. I recognize this more since reading NMMNG.

Going to set up my place and try to be productive. Always feels better. Strive to reach my potential consistency...

[ovrrnbw]

You are right on dating. Its selfish and impatient to date. Plus a disservice to the new woman. I just dont know what to do that works at this point being that we are now separated by 30 minutes. She came to pick up our daughter today and we hung out for about 30 minutes had some laughs. I didnt pursue or push for a hug or anything. I did tell her some of the new neighbors and kids were going to celebrate the 4th outside in the court and she was welcome to join. She didnt seem interested. Im going to stop including her in plans even though DB / DR talks about inviting spouse but not changing anything if they dont come. Part of me wants to just meet halfway to exchange our daughter because it leaves me pretty down after seeing her... or maybe I should man up and be happy / content around her even if i feel sad afterwards?

I guess I just need to find a renewed focus on me: career, GAL activities like workout, play lacrosse, hike, socialize with guy friends (even though must are coupled up). May give it another go with pro lacrosse next year, a team is coming back to Philly near where I live. Ive been working out a lot and am in the best shape Ive been in years. Still playing with college guys once a week and doing very well. It just doesnt seem to matter as much as having a partner to share and experience life with, wanting more kids before my daughter is too old so they can be somewhat close in age...

I dont know how the he*l she acts like she has no feelings its just unbelievable to me. I guess she is better at compartmentalizing things because of issues that went on with her family when she was young... When we were spending time together at her parents a couple months ago and I was just being happy and fun, paying attention to our daughter she was saying stuff like I have less anxiety around you. And she wants to hug. I guess I just need to really work on this being an experience and build my inner strength, self discipline, patience. Sounds good when I write it... but I miss her and the family.

Thanks for the support & advice!

Separated by 30 minutes? That's nothing. I drove 35 minutes 3 times a week to see my in laws before BD. I'm 30 minutes from anything fun or GAL related.

Keep fighting, Did. Keep doing what you need to do!!!!

[Did]

It seems very conflicting. She says I was emotionally abusive which I was to an extent. More of it was issues I needed to work on that I blamed her for. Relied on her for happiness etc. She is extremely sensitive which is ok... anyway she is recovering from this emotional abuse. I am working on myself.

So what seems to work is being nice, kind. The I hope you have a nice night texts. Waiting for her to text me but then responding nicely. Supportive, caring etc. Cool, calm, distant not saying much but definitely not ignoring her.

This seems kind of opposite of what some people say works.

Do what works, right? Occasional supportive text to show I care... but the taking away her safety net and having her pursue me is what I really want. Advice? Do what works, right? Or commit to not being there for her so much and see if she comes to me- LRT?