JMSTL Thread 6-Let's go for a test drive

[Jmstl]

So, if you aren't dating, the only alternative is sitting home alone at night?

Nahhhhh, I don't think so. Get a hobby, join a group, go out with the guys, attend a sporting event, go to a meetup.... then, who knows who you might meet?

Ginger, I do that as well. I've joined a writing group, I have my game development group, and I work on my class. Unfortunately, those groups don't meet often enough for my tastes.

[Jmstl]

So it seems, at least to me, one of the best things that has happened so far has been taking a small break from the boards.
It allowed my to just live my life and not focus on healing, which has then happen more or less organically.

I am in no way claiming I am fully healed (I never will be)
But focusing on ME, and not my SITUATION, has helped immensely.

I have met someone who shares my beliefs, my values, my interests, and who I have more chemistry with than anyone I have ever met. We are both cautiously optimistic.

My transmission issues seem to have gone away.

I am extremely happy as a person, with my situation, and where I am heading. Of course there is always room for improvement, but IC says I have made a huge amount of progress in the 8 months I have been going. She said I seem incredibly insightful. I mentioned that I basically had set up what I call 'markers' for gauging my healing process. She asked what some were, so I thought I would share.

1.Stop crying over the situation (x)
2.Emotional detachment(x)
3.Not wanting her back(x)
4. Being okay with being alone (x)
5. Being excited to start something new <--This is where I am

[Jmstl]

Been a while so I will give myself a little update.

Been dating someone since Feb, it's going fairly decent.
It definitely has its ups and downs and struggles, but there is overall much more communication here than there was with my marriage, and I happy that I have been able to have this for about 5 months.

I've dated others in that same time frame, and some of the interactions were just...sheeesh. I'm thankful for what I currently have

She is much more open minded than xW, so I haven't been left feeling unfulfilled physically.

She has no desire to be a wife, isn't in a rush to meet the kids, and flat out said she isn't sure if monogamy is for her in the long run (I haven't decided if I feel the same way tbh)

Emotionally, I'm still working on it, but I would say I am in a pretty damn good place.

It's been over a year since she left. The one year mark hit especially hard because it was the week before Kids went to Disney, which I realized made me pretty upset, because it was supposed to be a family trip and I was left out of it.

[Jmstl]

Well, it has been nearly 10 months and I have been with the same Lady. Things are going well.

The kids just met her last weekend and they love her. D has already asked 3 times when she can come over again

I got another call from xW this morning regarding something she brought up before

Currently we do an alternating days and weekends schedule since we have 50/50.

For the second time she has brought up that she wants the children to be with her full time during the week for consistency with school. She said I'd be allowed to still pick them up and spend time with them a few days a week but I'd send them back to her to sleep. I am effing furious. That gives me like 3 hours to spend with my kids on those nights. Most of it wont be at home either because of drive times. So basically I'd be her babysitter, activity chauffer and chef. What BS.

She said she wants to be consistent for school, and be responsible for ALL school stuff, since occasionally I miss a school thing or two. She also brought up how D said she has to wake me up a lot and she doesn't like it (She does on occasion, I have sleepapnea) I explained that D is a super early riser and that even when she occasionally comes and wakes me up, it's because she is doing so early, or that only my first alarm went off. (I have 3). EVEN THEN, We get everyone ready, have time to stop for breakfast and STILL get her to school on time. xW doesn't have a sleeping disorder, lives .5 mi from school, and she STILL brings D to school late on a consistent basis. So please tell me where the problem is again?


Firstly. Just no. Anything less than 50/50 is just plain and simple no. This is my line in the sand. She offered to let me have them for 3 weeks during the summer. Uh no.

Second-I agree that rotating days is a lot, and like last time I brought up a 2/2/3 or a 4/3 schedule that would offer a little more consistency. And yet it was rejected.

She has stated that she wants the schedule changed by January when they go back to school and said she wants to work it out between us, but will get a mediator if she has to.

I'm not paying for that.

Would a mediator HONESTLY take 50/50 away from a dad who is actively involved in their childrens life? I've offered solutions that maintain 50/50 and offer a little more consistency in who the children are with. like WTF?!!


Sorry, I really needed to vent.

[AnotherStander]

Hey JM, glad to hear things are going well with the new lady!

Try not to get angry about W proposing a new schedule, you're legally divorced and she can't just change a documented schedule without your buy-in. You can simply say "no". You don't like her proposal and she doesn't like yours, so both of you are left with the current court-approved schedule so there you go. Not sure why she thinks a mediator would touch a court-agreed schedule, I find that highly unlikely.

My ex and I have a weekly split and that has worked well for us. The two girls are grown now so it's just S15 that is subject to it. He NEVER EVER is late on my weeks. I mean literally, he has not been late once in all these years we've been doing this. When my ex has him he's late pretty much at least once every week she has him. It's aggravating, but at least she doesn't blame it on our schedule.

EDIT TO ADD- my S actually told me he lied to ex about what time he needs to be at school! He told her 15 minutes earlier than the actual time in the hopes that she would get him there on time. As a result she's managed to get him there on time more often this year although there have still been some slip-ups.

[Jmstl]

Reply. Thanks AS.

She brought it up again through email then said email wasn't the place to discuss it.

I talked to D last night and she is okay with a 2/2/3 but not with staying at Moms every night. She said she like to stay with me. xW said it was us who was making the decision, not her. (Good, glad we cleared that up so that what she wants can't me used against me.)

xW said 2/2/3 doesnt resolve the current problems, so which I asked what the current problems are. She talked about consistency and D wanting to feel like a child without adult responsibilities foisted on her. (uh she has no adult responsibilities) and wanting to be solely responsible for school stuff (Um then why are you always late?)

This was my response to her. I'm curious how you all feel about it.

The Children have a consistent morning and night routine. D and I now each have a checklist to go through each night to make sure that nothing is missed.

She is allowed to live as a child. She has no adult responsibilities pressed upon her. I cook the food. I do the laundry. I pack their lunches (unless she wants to help, in which I let her). She doesn't babysit her brother.

The example you mentioned about her waking me up sometimes was explained to you yesterday. This is NOT a common occurrence, multiple alarms are set up on purpose. And we still make it to school on time.

When D was missing karate with regularity, I did not attempt to alter the schedule.
When D has received multiple tardies at school, I did not attempt to alter the schedule.
I have never missed a piano lesson.

I have offered the change in schedule that I am willing to consider.



To clarify: She pays for piano, I pay for karate. I have asked multiple times for her to tell me if she couldn't take her to karate, and I would do it myself.

[Ready2Change]

H: "W, I agree that the children need consistency. My understanding is that they also need equal time with each of us to grow up healthy. I also understand that as they get older, they can go for longer periods of time between seeing the other parent. When you propose a schedule that is best for the children, I will consider it. If you keep proposing lopsided schedules, I will question if you have their best interests in mind."