So just an update regarding ng... the son situation does not seem to be an issue. His view of our future does not seem to be an issue. He is looking long term, which i like.
But this past weekend was a tough one for me. I am having doubts. I could be fault finding. But i dont think so.
I dont like how he communicates with me. When he is stressed he talks to me like im his teenager or a buddy. And i feel insulted and i could see that if i respond all the time, it will be an endless cycle of bickering. My personality can only keep cool for a bit. And then i snap. Which i did. If it goes beyond snapping, i have a potential for seriously damaging verbal lashes, because i will get to the heart of someones weakness.
It will not be banter, which is something he seems to enjoy.
An example so you know what im talking about.. me:"how did you sleep" Him: "not good. Too much noise. Plus YOU left the curtains Open and the lights were Glaring" Me: silence (wanting to avoid the argument of, why was i responsible for closing the curtain? Was i even the one that opened it. If you saw it open, why not just close it? Why are you incapable of any type of self awareness? Why do you look to blame every one else but you)
This was after him making a big deal that i went to sit on one particular bench that was further away and had less people on it then the one he was planning on going to.... such a small and insignificant thing, that he called me out on. Insinuating it was a ditzy choice in bench (it wasnt. Had less clutter and people around it to navigate with luggage). BUT WHAT BOTHERED ME, IS WHY DO YOU WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT A BENCH?? Why bring it up. Why criticize me for something that is just negligible. I mean who cares? Are you really that bothered by my choice in where to sit? Its only an extra 10 feet away.
I dont know if its just that obnoxious new york culture..(think my cousin vinnie) but i have just been through years of fighting and arguments and stress. I dont want to battle.
I dont think he means to belittle, but for me i see the dynamic and pattern and just dont want that. It is tiresome to me at this point. The constant complaining and negativity.
I found myself doing a lot of comparing of him to my ex. I actually missed my ex. I feel very bad that my ex viewed my criticisms as i am viewing ngs criticisms now. When we were younger, i was not good at picking my battles with ex. And my ex just wanted to avoid the banter. My ex, did not call me out for things or look for that type of argument. I felt so guilty i was crying about how i treated him (pre BD).
