Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Sandi. You are 100% correct.
I am still totally in love with her. I am doing my best to detach, but I see her walk into a room, any room, sweat pants, no make up, hair not done and I see my partner, my wife, the mother of my children and my heart leaps and then plunges all at once. I'm going to let go for a moment since I'm not with her and can share here openly. I feel her all the way through to my soul. I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't. She sees the little things, the db'ing, I am just so unsure as to how this ends up. I am so scared for all of us for our futures. I am a mature adult human being, but this is just so foreign territory to me I don't know how to handle it. We trusted each other with everything. We have children together. We have a family. So what if we had some turmoil. Everyone does. We have a love like I have never felt before in my life. Again, I wish I could turn it off. I am doing my best. I want to just say "ok" and make plans. I don't want our children to suffer through this even though I know they already are. Am I just selfish for hanging on? Would it just be better if I just pulled the plug, ended it so they could move on? I just don't know. AND I don't know if I am strong enough to do that. We have been together the majority of both of our adult lives. I know bad things happen out there. Life [censored] sometimes. I just always thought that our vows meant something and no matter what we would always be there for one another.

So, in my moment of weakness here in sharing, I hope you are as straight forward as you have always been in your response. I read the books, read the posts, know what I am supposed to do. Some days, some moments are easier than others. My S last night asked again (almost daily now) when we are going to go on vacation this summer and where we are going. How do I tell him that right now we can't go and we can't afford it. He doesn't understand. He just wants his family to go and have fun. My W, I'm sure, has had the same question posed to her and I have no idea how she responds.

So forgive my moment of weakness as I take a moment and change the lightbulb in the lighthouse. All of this just stinks. I wish it on no one. I am so thankful for everyone here as somedays you are all I have.