KitCat, I admire everything you've done for your kids. You have multiple kids as I recall so that's even more impressive. I did move to this city with the intention of working. I was hoping to delay full-time employment until my daughter starts kindergarten next year but I'll try to negotiate a 35 hour work week where I can work-from-home most days to make it manageable. I hope I can do that, otherwise a large portion of my income will go to a nanny for after-school care. I still have to finish up some consulting agreements in the next few weeks so I'll work to get the best offer during that time. Regarding my husband moving in with us, there's nothing to indicate he'd try to do that. He's still living 1,000 miles away in our old city and needs to sell or rent the house. Then, even if he moves up here, his family is an hour away and that's where he's been staying every time he comes. His father cooks his favorite meals and he can stay awake late joking with his brothers just like they're kids again. For sure he'll either live with them or he'll get his own place. I'd love to hear your story as well as your updates!
KML, I was reading that depression commonly co-exists with ADHD. A lot of my husband's behavior seems to be explained by ADHD so if I had to guess, that's his primary issue. Depression could very well be a secondary issue since my husband has diagnosed himself with depression in the past. There's no family history of anything, but when I first met my husband he described how he tried to become a refugee in a nearby country and it didn't work out so when he returned home he became severely depressed until someone helped him find a job at the place where I was working. Then he had a mini-episode a few years after we got married where he got depressed and then got admitted into a degree program and as soon as he got there he was partying and had a brief affair, or almost had a brief affair. That alone wouldn't indicate bi-polar, but then when he moved out and separated the first time 2.5 years ago he was depressed first, as I've written in the past and don't want to bore you, and then suddenly he met this nurse he fell in love with and he started body building. Suddenly he was spending hours at the gym every night, texting this nurse 50 - 100 times per day (I found out later), and he was taking these 'explosive energy' drinks to give him energy to lift weights. He stopped playing with our daughter, ignored me, and started to engage in risky behavior like drivng six hours to Canada one night to visit an old girlfriend and then drove six hours back the next morning. Then when I caught him that day and got mad and he moved out. The same thing happened again this past year. Depression / boredom followed by obsessively building a dream house he can't afford and dating another nurse, whisking her off to Dubai on a luxury trip, all while turning into a raging monster to my daughter and I saying he'll divorce me at all costs. So there's a cycle, but I don't know if it's bi-polar. Some of it may simply be his lack of impulse control and lack of ability to focus on priorities. He neglected his family and his job to build an elaborate house and live out his fantasies with his nurse colleague. That's why to some degree I think it's just ADHD - complete inability to focus. His morals and ethics are also weak.
There's no drug or alcohol use but caffeine has played a big role in fueling this wild lifestyle.
Currently I believe, and hope, that my husband has realized his lifestyle was unsustainable. He may still not recognize that he has a problem and may keep doing the same thing until he loses his medical license or he may decide to fix his life. I think a lot of it depends on whether anyone intervenes and tells him to get his act together. If his father or one of his best friends removed the enabling support they've been providing and told him straight-up that he needs help he'd probably do something. It can't be me and I can't influence his family or friends, so there's nothing I can really do except hope for the best.
I just hope our daughter doesn't inherit a disorder that will be difficult to treat. As a baby she would only sleep for 20 minutes at a time, needed to be held 24 hours per day, and even now she's very sensitive and doesn't sleep well. There's a term called "high needs baby" that fit her behavior. Thankfully she doesn't have autism and she's smart and well-adjusted now, in part due to my giving her undivided attention all these years but I don't know what will happen when I work full-time and she spends the majority of her life at school or with babysitters who may not give her personalized attention.
Sorry to always write so much - I'm still trying to get a grip on everything. My husband was a very very nice man before he first left 2.5 years ago. It's still hard figuring out what happened to that person. Even last summer when he was building this house he designed a special pink bathroom for our daughter, asked me to design the kitchen according to my wishes, and seemed to be planning for our future despite the roommate situation. He thought he had so much disposable income and I kept trying to tell him that wasn't the case. He thought he was earning enough to live the lifestyle of a multi-millionaire and I kept telling him doctors don't make that much. I guess I stood in the way of his dream, but now hopefully he'll see for himself that his dream wasn't realistic. Some of it is simply unrealistic expectations for someone who has no idea how to manage money or function in a society where material wealth is all around you. My husband see's everything he wants and just assumes he can have it because he finally became a doctor. He also see's his single and divorced brothers and friends dating easy, scantily dressed women so the temptation is too great to resist - why live at home with one boring average-looking wife and a crying baby when he can go out and have all the women he wants easily and without commitment? I don't think it's just bi-polar or ADHD alone, I think he's living the American dream and a fantasy based on movies and music videos. Unfortunately he had to destroy my life and our daughter's life in the process of realizing this dream and it appears to all be crashing down. We'll see what happens next.
Steve85, just in case you don't want to read that novel, yes, my husband won't be moving in. It's not even an idea I'm considering because he'll live with his family if he moves up this way.
