Yeah good to hear you know where you feel you need to make improvements for yourself and where you fell short in the MR.
I believe you were making progress as well. And this trip was just perfectly timed for you to get space and perspective. But what you'll notice is that you're still on a yo-yo of emotions. They may not jump around as acutely as after BD, but you're still on the pendulum and it can suddenly swing from one direction to the other.
I know that there were moments when I thought I was invincible and putting DBing into motion, and then a few days later I would crash and then come back up again, and then crash again. The time between those swings started stretching and I was having more better days than bad days. Even now, I will still have a rough few hours, but it's mostly about me still being hard on myself and letting my emotions to surface.
One of the things on Benito's thread helped my perspective a lot was that - no help is coming! Yeh, you can have friends, family and community and IC, but they provide temporary relief and help shoulder some of the weight. But ultimately, it is you in that room at night and you gotta face your demons. Once I understood that, it helped me a lot.
Also, don't stay so tied down to the idea of progress. You'll take two steps forward and one backwards. It's just the nature of healing and there is no consistent moving forward until you reach a threshold. And that takes time and leaning into your pain.
And your threshold marker changes - mine changed from focus on W and the MR and the constant obsessing to why I am having a hard time with some of my goals and what is not working and what is. Right now I am sidelined with two injuries and climbing and working out is completely out of the question for a few months. It was a major blow, but I got up and focused on how I could spend my time on other stuff.
So be kind to yourself. These are going to be hard fought gains, but failure is part of success. You're on the right path. Enjoy your GAL and time with people, and take in the travel.
Thoughts control the emotions. If you feel sad, think about all the good in your life. If nothing is good, think about how you're going to overcome all of it and be the better for it. If you feel alone and scared, lean on friends, counselors, family, and lovers. We're all connected and if I can help, let me know.
I spoke with my IC for an hour, mainly about the issues raised here. He basically preached self-compassion and that he thought my path was working pretty well for me. He did point out (accurately) that he was surprised by my emotional reaction to Benito's post, and that I had handed over so much power over my emotions to people on this forum. It was a good point. It was hard for me to explain how comforting and soothing it has been to have a plan (which I adopted and modified slightly to make my own) to follow, a plan made by others and buttressed by the support and guidance of others here. That said, I shouldnt give over that power so easily to anyone. A large part of it is because I do at times question if my positive self-talk, mindfullness, mental reframing towards more positive thoughts -- if all those things were just a form of denial. They are not indigenous to my brain as I have always tended towards the negative, and it is easy to doubt how real they are.
That said, I had a wonderful day. An hour of morning yoga was a good start. Catching up with a friend I hadn't see in 14 years was amazing as well. A session climbing for the first time in a week. Dinner with my friend and two cute kids was the final piece of the day.
I talked with my friend I hadnt seen in 14 years about my sitch (she never even met the W) and it was good to get that out there. I also verbally acknowledged how hard it was when memories of past times with the W here would pop up, triggered by a location or just a stray thought. I talked with my other friend about how strange it will be for me to live in my house alone. I am past 40 and have never lived without family, a roommate, or the W. It will be lonely for sure. I say all this because in the balance, this was a great day, I enjoyed myself immensely and spent quality time with people I love, but it wasnt because I was ignoring my sitch. The good just far outweighed the bad, thats all.
Maika, thanks for the words as always. I feel for you with the injuries. I have been there before and it makes life more difficult. Even now, I have been struggling with leg stuff (related in part to driving so much, I think) and it has cut down my ability to exercise and even walk by a big chunk. That is such an important part of my GAL activities, and I think it is probably similar for you. Good luck getting through it.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/02/1807:48 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
