I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Thanks for taking the time to visit my thread and spending the time to read it. I do know that H has been abusive, but I've also felt like I mostly deserved it and he absolutely feels that I do. I truly have difficulty seeing where my responsibility begins and ends as I have made a major mistake in my M. I know I don't deserve to be punished for it for the rest of my life but I get confused as to how much is "enough". I just don't know what's normal, that's what it comes down to.

Yes, I had planned to wait to make any decisions until S17 graduates because there are so many big events this year...the kids know we go to H and I's hometown every summer and they have made friends there and come to love it...I kept procrastinating booking the trip but they need to see my Mother too. She's really getting up there in age and I have no idea how many more times she'll get to see my kids. So we have our summer vacation, D8 goes to summer camp for the first time, S17 turns 18, D15 turns sweet 16, and S17 graduates and goes off to college. We had been talking about Disneyworld before all this happened and the little's keep asking when we're going....I keep wondering if I should give them that memory as a family. That's a lot of milestone events in a family and I just want to be as present as possible. Once S17 has gone to college, we'll obviously know where he's going, how much it will be and I'll have his senior gift paid for which is $300/month until he graduates (money I would need if H and I separated).

I cannot believe how much you communicate with him. You know you are not following the advice given to you from this site... right?

I actually don't communicate with him anymore about anything besides the kids. Back in March we communicated a lot bc that's when he told me all these things...he was texting me relentlessly as he was out of the country. So we did talk a lot about the R and then he would text me randomly once he got home, mostly negative things but sometimes saying things like "I miss you in my life but understand your absence". I feel like everything he says and does is a manipulation. I stopped saying hello and goodbye, stopped telling him about my life, haven't called him in months, only text when absolutely necessary about the kids, I've found it very difficult to look at him or acknowledge him at all even when he's speaking to me but I've been working on that bc it's not a healthy thing for the kids to see. When I had surgery I asked his mother to take me, he said he felt like he should be there but he understood my decision. It's been over 1.5 months since we have talked about anything R wise and even before that it was him who initiated texts about it, not me. Kids have been all we talk about. Lately I have found that as I start to detach more (which is still sooooooooo far to go) that I am not as cold as I used to be and will acknowledge him more....tonight I told him I was keeping a migraine at bay and told him the details of how it came on this afternoon which is something I have not been doing...telling him personal things. Perhaps I need to stop that cold. Thoughts?

In relationship past, if H is upset with me, I have always been afraid to "escalate" things because he will always one up me. If I ignore him for an hour, he will ignore me for days and do whatever he can to make me feel left out. He's an extremely harsh person to be on bad terms with. However, I've just dropped the rope this time. At first of course when he told me he could no longer be a couple with me, I begged to work things out. But once he made himself clear, I stopped. I stopped communications, I gave him back my rings, I stopped inviting him to be a part of my life. Those are huge steps for me as I know there is no going back. I dove off a mini cliff and let myself fall and it was a really big deal. Of course he will never ever acknowledge my rings or the note that I wrote. It all still appears untouched. Head games from him. ALWAYS. But I did it and it's done and it was a stand I took for myself and my self respect.

Time for more GAL activities, what happened to the gun range?

Exactly, this is exactly what had me so caught up in your thread, the way you've been able to move on with your life. The gun range is July 21st, looking forward to it. I run most days, running a race is ok and you're right, there are tons around here. But that doesn't get me involved with other people really...I need to build a circle. Difficult to plan on doing things with just me and the kids...H will most always come. He is very keen on being a "family" and to him, that's what we're supposed to be doing...being a family for the sake of the kids. I can't really tell him he can't come ya know? I take opportunities to do things alone with the kids as they arise, but can't really plan it if that makes sense.

I love my kids more than anything in this world and I loved my family and I loved my H. Being forced to make these decisions and having to be the one to carry it through even though it's not what I want is like the worst torture. And he will torment me every.step.of.the.way.