Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[sandi2]

Continued from my previous long winded post..........

If she isn't comfortable with me directly reading her messages, we can find other ways to have transparency that satisfy both of us. The real issue is her dropping the defensive stance and understanding why extra steps are necessary at this time to restore trust (again, restoring trust is not a priority for her like it would be with recommitment). She can't seem to concede the fact that it is natural for me to need more transparency than I normally would before the A. It's the whole resistance to being in that weaker role of truly admitting she did something very wrong and needs to be fully remorseful, etc

Look 44, she understands a lot more than you give her credit. The whole defensive attitude comes from her guilt. You have always been submissive to whatever she wanted, however she wanted it. She thinks if she holds out long enough, you'll eventually give up. I'll have to say it kind of sounds like you want to back peddle on some things. You sound like a man who doesn't know how to enforce his boundaries......so you want to stop "pushing & labeling", and just go with the flow (which is code for a nice-guy wanting to return to his comfortable old ways). Nothing in the sitch has changed.

Especially because she is stubborn and I think there are a lot of steps for her to go before she is near making anything "official", if that makes sense. I find myself at odds with the whole DB philosophy of non-pursuit Especially because she is stubborn and I think there are a lot of steps for her to go before she is near making anything "official", if that makes sense. I find myself at odds with the whole DB philosophy of non-pursuit when I think about how to demand more so that she isn't cake eating.

Oh well, if she's stubborn then that makes for all exceptions in the world! No, it doesn't. Look up stubbornness in the King James Old Testament and you'll see it in the same scripture as witchcraft. You'll see where God doesn't like it. That places some perspective on her stubbornness. Besides, all waywards have stubbornness, 44. Look, don't you think I recognize some of the language in these quotes above? I've seen it so many times, where the LBH starts saying how he is at odds with the DB philosophy. More times than not, it's all excuses b/c he doesn't feel that he has what it takes to implement tough love.

IDK what type of "steps" she needs to go through before committing to doing the right thing in the MR (I suppose that's what you mean by "official").

If her A is out of the picture, I don't see a reason to be too pushy about recommitment or labels.

44, she is sneaking around texting some guy. It may not be the same 19 yr old boy, but it is some guy. Women don't hide to text another woman. She has offered nothing for you to arrive to the conclusion her A is over. You can't see her texts, so to save face you decide her A is out of the picture.

Pushy, recommitment, and labels...............what it sounds like you are really saying is that you don't want to rock the boat.

Again, if the A is out, is it cake-eating to do "couple" things before I have total recommitment? Or is there a stage where she is in the turnaround process and I shouldn't be shutting everything down?

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Does this all boil down to you not wanting, or not being able, to say "no" to couple things? What is it, that is keeping you held back? Ever since you've come back fom the vacation, you've sounded differently........like you were trying to find an excuse to leave things like they were. Well, that's up to you.......but to answer your question, and to repeat myself.......your sitch has not changed. She has done absolutely nothing to show she wanted to cooperate. If things between her and OM ended, I think it happened while she was on job trip. She is hiding and texting someone, and if it was not another guy.....and if she had really broken off the A......she would have gone through.......and probably still experiencing some withdrawals, and I think she would have given you some kind of evidence of when they last texted. With all of that said, an affair, alone, does not define her waywardness. It is what is in her heart. And, may I ask what on earth have you "shut down"? As far as I can tell, things just kept beeping along, like there had never been a confrontation.

and if we ever do get to recommitment this will be something I draw a hard line about, but right now I do not believe there is an active relationship between them.

I thought you drew a hard line when you had the big talk. ^^^^^^This seems so turned around to my thinking. One minute you don't think you should push and talking about having steps........and then you say, "But if ever do get recommitted this will be something I draw a hard line about". What about in the meantime?

Perhaps I can be harsher and the whole thing will speed up, but while I'm moving in the right direction and constantly reminding myself the changes can only happen slowly anyway, I struggle with knowing just how much to push.

What changes are you talking about can only happen slowly?



I'll have to finish this later.